TW SA - AIBU really scared about SILs new best friend

[Turnkeyssouth]

I am currently spiraling so please do tell me if I am being unreasonable.

DH is from a very close family, he has 3 sisters, two are older than him (and therefore me) and one is younger, she is 21.

We’ve never been super close but are friendly enough, I see her every week at family meals etc. she often brings friends to family events as she is the youngest and doesn’t have a partner yet or kids etc.

Now onto my issue.

When I was at school I was sexually assaulted by a boy I met online, I thought he was my boyfriend, stupidly met up thinking it would be a cinema date but was taken to his home and raped.

When I got home it was reported to the police.

I told some close ‘friends’ about the rape and that I had reported it, unfortunately it spread as gossip through the school, I was teased, people would shout out in the middle of class that I had been raped, I was sent inappropriate ‘notes’ across at lunch etc. after a week of hell I just told people I made it up to get them off my back. I dropped my complaint to the police and tried to get on with my life. But after then I was known at school as the girl who lied about someone raping her.

I moved area after finishing my GCSEs to do my A-levels and didn’t really keep many friends from school after that.

Fast forward to the present day, I find out my SIL has a new best friend, and it turns out to be one of the people who used to tease me the most for lying about being raped. There is an age gap so no idea how or why they’re suddenly friends. But they’ve just come off a girls holiday together.

I never told DH about the rape in general, let alone the whole fall out and people thinking I made it up.

I know it’s been over 10 years since this incident but I am now terrified that this girl will tell SIL that I’m a nut job who lied about being raped. Tbh it’s my own fault for thinking telling people it was a lie would help, but I can’t go back in time.

SIL regularly tags me in posts on FB so her new best friend will see that and probably put 2 and 2 together.

AIBU for worrying about this

am I being crazy for thinking this is an issue?

Must be so difficult to have this resurfaced.
Speak to your DH so he hears from you rather than a rumour.

I think you have to tell your DH what happened so he can have your back. I would also suggest telling your SIL if you can bear to so that she can dump her new BF if she starts on you.

Have you been able to have any counselling for the rape and the aftermath? It would be well worth doing, or revisiting if you can. Get help after rape or sexual assault | Rape Crisis England & Wales.

It’s only been the last few years I’ve really felt ‘over’ it but it’s brought it all back plus with added panic.

Im going to have to tell him but I’m so not ready for it

This must be awful for you. Please always remember that you did nothing wrong. Not then or afterwards. You were a child & hoped you could make the terrible situation disappear.
Understandably you've made the decision to move on with your life. If you don't feel comfortable discussing this with your DH, I'd suggest deleting your Facebook & coming off social media. I'd be asking what "friends" SIL was planning on bringing to family events. This friend is new and hopefully will fizzle out, especially with the age difference. If not you may have to address it in the future. I'd just start by saying she was a bully in school (which she was) and you want nothing to do with her.

How awful. Would you feel up to getting ahead of it, and telling your DH and then your SIL that the friend may think this of you but it's not true? You could just say "people" bullied you rather than accusing the friend in a bid to minimise the drama.

I’m so sorry that happened to you. Tell your DH.

Thank you, yeah I’m going to have to tell him, might as well rip the plaster off and try tonight as otherwise it’s just going to consume me with worry.

I’ll see how he wants to handle the SIL issue once he understands the situation, I’m just so annoyed with myself for telling people I lied, such a stupid decision and I hoped it was all behind me.

I had counseling for a year after (my Drs referred me) but might need to reach out again so will look on the link - thank you so much

I think I’m going to have to get ahead of it, as DH would be so upset to hear about this through SIL instead of me.

Once he understands the full picture I might see how he thinks it’s best to handle SIL as I’m not sure what to do.

Its hard because I can kind of understand why people would find it abhorrent someone would lie about a rape, and at 15/16 things are very black and white so I don’t really think it’s that ‘unreasonable’ for this girl to be mean about me but I’m just more worried about the fall out of having to tell people

Thank you, I think I needed to read that today, I still put so much blame on myself X

I think you lied with very good reason, you were being teased and abused at school for reporting what happened to you - that must have been awful and it's completely understandable you wanted it to all go away and for people to leave you alone. The shame is all on those who bullied you, and it's bloody awful to think kids of 15/16 didn't know any better than to harass you when you'd been brave enough to report the attack.

I hope this woman is now old enough and wise enough to understand the position 16yo you was put in, and why you acted as you did. Please do tell your DH - don't allow her - or your anxiety about her - to have any more power over you.