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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think I must have burned bridges by not showing up to my first day of work?

20 replies

777s · 29/02/2024 10:36

I was due to start a new job last year, but was struggling with my mental health and a physical health issue. I was constantly going back and forth on whether to pull out of the new job offer. I really regret this and know it was awful, but on the Monday morning that I was due to start I emailed my new line manager to say unfortunately I could no longer start the job due to health issues. I know I was in the wrong to do this and highly unprofessional and should have pulled out much earlier on in the process. I had so wanted to feel ready/strong enough to start the job but in the end I just couldn't face it.

It's now a year later and I'm looking for jobs after taking some time off to focus on my health. I have obviously avoided applying for jobs in that particular company as I feel ashamed and embarrassed, but my industry is quite small and they are part of a much larger company. I applied for a job not knowing they are part of the same larger company, and the internal recruiter that I had worked with last year has now contacted me regarding my application, asking if I'm now ready to return to work now (so he definitely remembers me).

Do you think I will have burned bridges with this internal recruiter and all of the companies he oversees?

OP posts:

YoureTheOneBeepingTheHornOverACheeseBurger · 29/02/2024 10:38

I actually think it’s a positive that he’s contacted you. They could have just ignored your application.
I’m glad things have improved for you, good luck with the job hunting

Beamur · 29/02/2024 10:39

I agree. Better that you didn't start at all than started and messed them around.
They obviously liked you enough to offer a job last time round.

35965a · 29/02/2024 10:40

I think people do understand - it sounds like the recruiter contacted you in a positive way to find out if you’re ready, so he gets it. So try not to worry. If it comes up just address it that you regret you weren’t able to give more notice at the time but you are better now.

allgrownupnow · 29/02/2024 10:44

If you had 'burnt the bridge' he wouldn't have been so positive in the communication with you.
If they wanted you before, they could still want you now - you obviously have the right skills for them.
There is no shame in having to take time out for your health.
Surely, 'yes, I'm feeling much better now thank you and am ready to get started on an interesting job...' is your response.
Allow the positive messages in - you have achieved significant things: offered a good job, recovered from a difficult mental health situation, now employer still interested in you... run with it!

EBearhug · 29/02/2024 10:45

It sounds positive and doesn't sound like burnt bridges. I would reply saying I'd taken time to work on my health and yes, I am now ready.

Good luck!

MeinKraft · 29/02/2024 10:47

Oh that sounds positive OP, go for it

TiIIyM · 29/02/2024 12:38

Could be read 2 ways. "Are you ready to return to work now" could also be a bit passive, well obviously you are ready or the CV wouldn't be out there. But then again it was out there last time and you obviously were not ready. I'd just go for it, you have nothing to lose.

pontipinemum · 29/02/2024 12:44

Sounds positive to me. People get sick. It would have been a PITA for the company but they will have understood.

If they weren't interested they wouldn't have contacted you

Original poster

777s · 29/02/2024 13:40

Thank you, everyone. I was feeling really embarrassed, and honestly sometimes it still keeps me up at night remembering how I had to let that company down so last minute.

I've now emailed the recruiter back, even if nothing comes of it I feel like just having them get back in touch and be even considering to engage with me again (even at this very early, initial stage) has given me some form of closure.

OP posts:

DuckbilledSplatterPuff · 29/02/2024 15:24

35965a · 29/02/2024 10:40

this. Try again OP, and best of luck.

Sletty · 29/02/2024 15:31

I’d take that as a positive OP. Go for it x

AmaryllisChorus · 29/02/2024 15:37

777s · 29/02/2024 13:40

Thank you, everyone. I was feeling really embarrassed, and honestly sometimes it still keeps me up at night remembering how I had to let that company down so last minute.

It saddens me that you feel embarrassed still. It was inconvenient for them, and a very tough call for you to make. But you were ill. There should be no more shame in MH illness than there is in any physical illness. I sometimes wish the two weren't separated out so much. A sickness or malfunction of the brain - a major bodily organ – shouldn't be judged any more than a diagnosis of diabetes or heart failure.

If you genuinely feel well now, chat to the recruiter and explain that you prioritised getting your health back on track last year and now you are ready to work again. If you are. If not, no shame in that either. You didn't choose to be ill.

Notamum12345577 · 29/02/2024 15:40

As people have said, he wouldn’t have contacted you if you had burnt your bridges with them.

TheBayLady · 29/02/2024 17:39

That's really great news.

Original poster

777s · 06/03/2024 17:13

I have a call with them tomorrow, I'm quite nervous as I don't know whether to bring it up and apologise or whether to just brazen it out and only mention it if they bring it up first.

I know the company I previously was due to start at has some vacancies again, as well as the other companies they oversee

OP posts:

Tablefor4 · 06/03/2024 17:44

Hi. Clearly it will need to be addressed, but while you can be apologetic, I don't think you need to grovel.

Likely conversation will be the recruiter saying "So, @777s, we met and chatted last year, what's been going on with you since then?" (or whatever).

You can then say, "well, yes, I'm still sorry that I had to pull out of suddenly last year, but some ill-health meant that I was not in a position to start, I know that must have been difficult for you. Since then, I've recovered and am in a good place and ready to start working again. [or looking for more substantial jobs][oe whatever]".

I do think it's a real positive that the recruiter has come back, although they may well have more questions and perhaps want to send you to occupational health as part of the process.

Good luck!

ladykale · 06/03/2024 17:52

Agree that grace should be given for mental health but pulling out on the start date just shows you are unreliable and don't care about the impact it has on others or the organisation.

Surely you didn't only know on the first day of the job.

Had this happen at my company and wouldn't even interview such a person again truthfully

ladykale · 06/03/2024 17:53

Notamum12345577 · 29/02/2024 15:40

As people have said, he wouldn’t have contacted you if you had burnt your bridges with them.

It's the recruiter (who wants commission) as opposed to the actual company though...

Catladyireland · 06/03/2024 18:32

It's good they are still speaking with you, many wouldn't so they probably know how good you could be at your job for them. Life is long and things happen, just see how it goes

Calculuses · 06/03/2024 18:38

This is more common than you imagine and often people don't give a reason or even get in touch. The recruiter is contacting you, so they're interested. They might have some concerns about your ongoing ability to work, which you'll need to allay, but they haven't decided they don't want you.

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