Are my friends BU ?

[Bearcubbaby]

They have organised something for either a Friday/Saturday night for every weekend in March. Of course I can say no, but I've felt obliged to say yes to it all. I have nothing else planned but I do sometimes like a weekend of no plans and fri/sat night on the sofa, type of thing. If I said no then they should want to know why I couldn't come. 1 person in the group, who is a bit of a ring-leader (said in a nice way) wouldn't accept "no, just because I don't want to' as an excuse. I work 50 hours a week, I am exhausted by the weekend.

Channel your inner Phoebe

I've said upthread that OP just needs to say I can't make it and re-iterate that but I also don't agree that the 'friend' is acting in good faith as she doesn't accept 'no I don't want to' as a suitable response.

So people trying to paint the 'friend' is helpful is misguided, I doubt this woman gives a shit about OP.

just coz I don't want to is a reasonable reason

Say it now - you've just looked at your calendar and hadn't realised how full it is. You're wrecked from work and need a bit of downtime so you're pulling out of X and Y. Hope they have a great time and you'll see them at A & B. Stand up for yourself!

Don't make up an excuse, just tell the truth, it's perfectly reasonable.

Has she? Read to me like she’s been non committal, has given the impression that she wants to go but that logistics make it tricky, which is going to make the others pipe up with things like ‘do you know the 356 bus goes between A and B’ or ‘you can meet us later if you won’t make it on time’. I know one mate said ‘because I don’t want to isn’t an excuse’ but that sounds like a joke. I’m sure the others must say no occasionally for a whole host of reasons!

I thought it would have been obvious that I couldn't come to the eve thing on the same day I'm out during the day, simply because of the tight timings. Maybe I needed to have made it more clearer that rushing between the 2 events would have been too much for me.
I have a partner and 3 DC at home. They also want to see me at the weekends. Plus I see my sister for a coffee most weekends too as we are both too busy with work & DC in the week.

Just say No, not this time i’m afraid.

you’re a grown woman with your own family that needs to see you too, you shouldnt need to explain that to ‘friends’ and if you do then they aren’t great friends to start with

its the first no that’s the hardest, and ignore whatever they say.

"Sorry, I won't make this one, me, partner and the kids are having a much needed movie night, all shattered! Have a great night and I'll see you next time hopefully"

You're unreasonable for not knowing how to say no
It's not hard

No sorry can't make it

You need to learn to say no and prioritise your own wants and needs. Don't be a people pleaser, it will make your life difficult in the long run. Just say no, I don't want to come out that night and don't try and justify it or make excuses. You're allowed to do what you want.

You don't have to make it clearer. You just have to say no and mean it.

You must learn to say no, you sound like people pleaser, I was one of them and it wore me out. I think it's great you have a group of friends that organise events but equally you don't have to attend everyone.

People aren't mind readers though. I have different friend groups/hobbies and frequently rush between events on the same day because I want to do both.

How are your friends supposed to magically know that would be too much for you?

It sounds to me you aren't communicating clearly ebough to them. Be more direct, loads of good suggestions made by previous posters, and if your friends still push back after you've directly said no you just reply "no, as I said it's too much for me so I won't be there. Looking forward to the cunema next Fri though!" End of.

Stop giving them something to solve. If you don't want to do it, then just say so upfront. If you cite babysitter problems (for example) then they can help you solve that.

"Sorry, I won't be back in time from X event" they can't solve that. Even if it's not true, not wanting to go because you are tired is a good reason

'I won't be coming'. Easy. Now just copy and paste that into a message every time this 'friend' tries to enter into a conversation about it. It really is that simple. You don't need to give any explanation...just state you won't be going. It's nobody else's business why.

That’s ^a really good answer

I just mute group chats when I fancy disconnecting abit.

They are allowed to arrange whatever they want.

YANBU to want to say no. Just say no.

It really doesn't matter whether or not they 'accept' your reason. They aren't your boss, they don't get to 'accept' anything. You just tell them you can't do it or be honest and say you don't want to go out every weekend.

If they make you feel bad about that then are they really the sort of friends you want?

If your friends want to go out every weekend then that's fair enough.

If you don't want to go then you shouldn't be afraid to say no.

They are not being unreasonable. You are if you expect them not to go out as often as they want to.

Not this weekend. I'm tired and need a quiet time.

I don't fancy this Friday as I've had a busy week.

I can't do this weekend as I want to spend some time with the family. I'd love to come next time.

I used to be like this, had a large group of friends who were out every weekend and I was such a people pleaser but was also miserable. Guess what? I don't speak to one single person from that group of friends anymore. I now have another smaller group who let eachother have their own lives and understand we cant always be there at every night out, and im so much happier. I also got better at just saying no. There doesn't need to be a reason, just say no. You're a big girl and true friends should understand

50 hours a week?! Is that sustainable? That's a huge amount of work.

Seriously? You’ve 3 kids, but apparently cant think of a good excuse? Literally uou can’t think of one?

Bless you OP, I just don't understand people like you. I don't mean that unkindly, I just can't get my head round it.

I also cannot fathom another grown adult "not accepting" your saying no to a night out. She wouldn't be any friend of mine, I can tell you that for certain.

What kind of friends are these?

Why can't you say what you feel?