Toddler hair pulling and tantrums - how to manage

[pinkmoon3]

DS is almost 2.5. Generally he is a lovely kind boy, nursery always positive about him, no issues with tantrums there and never any hitting/hair pulling there, parents often say he has been lovely but does tantrum there sometimes too. I know tantrums are obviously normal but I feel so shit about tonight's very extreme meltdown. It's like I picked the devil up. Getting him ready for bed was like wresting a wild animal. Screaming for about an hour. When I got him into bed he was asking for a hug so I gave him one but he started pulling me hair so I put him back down.

I gave him another chance and he then had both firsts at my hair pulling on it so hard and also biting it, he is small but SO strong and it took forever to get both fists off. I put him back down and walked away and cried in my room and he cried himself to sleep.

He is always pulling my hair, even when not tantrumming and I'm just putting on shoes for example or brushing teeth so as these are things that need doing I can't put him straight down and it's hard to get him off anyway. Everything I read online says to explain it's ok to be upset/tired whatever but I won't let you hurt me. I don't feel like saying this is getting me anywhere and he can't hear me anyway over the tantrum can anybody please advise how they deal with extreme tantrums and something that actually works. He isn't massively, affectionate so not a huge fan of cuddles in general. Sorry it's so long. Thanks for reading.

Have you had your 2yr review with health visitor I recently had mine which lead to an ASQ-SE and one of the questions on there was tantrums of over an hour

What does your SENCO lead at nursery say at his 2 yr nursery review mine are putting LO on a caseload where every 6 weeks we will discuss the previous interventions and things tried to see if anything has helped with issues we are facing.

One thing we were recommended is using egg timers to help with transition from different tasks, e.g. getting ready for bed routines as it's visual thing as they won't understand in a minute

No, he's actually got his review this Friday, so I'll bring it up. He's absolutely fine at Nursery, there's never any negative reports.

The long tantrums are actually not that often but when they do happen, I feel like I don't know how best to manage them as it's no point talking when he's in that state as he can't hear me anyway and I've tried all. Its more so the hair pulling that is my main issue because this is usually daily and I'll probably have no hair left soon if it carries on.

Have you tried pulling his hair?

Oh goodness, no advice but just solidarity here as my LO is also a hair puller and it's bloomin awful, so so sore and as you say, they're so strong! The only thing I can do is hold their wrists and repeatedly say calmly 'let go' which does work in releasing me, but I haven't found anything which stops it from happening in the first place! Hopefully someone will be along with good advice 🤞🏻

You can try positive reinforcement or negative. Try star chart for good behaviour or changing a poor one. Not too much at once. Say mummy doesn't like hair pulling as it hurts. Put him down if he does it. Say great if he doesn't. Toddlers can be smart but annoying. Bad behaviour often goes with tired and hungry. Could also do naughty step or time out.

I always tell him not to do it as it hurts etc and also as he does it when I'm brushing his teeth or putting shoes on and things like that I can't really put him down as those things need doing and if I put him down he will run off.

I always read the same advice online about explaining why not to do it etc but I just feel like often it doesn't work in practice, for us anyway.

My dd is only 17 months and lives for pulling my hair. It is so frustrating and sore. This might sound bonkers but I have resorted to sometimes wearing a swimming hat 🙈.

She falls asleep on my bed and likes to pull my hair like a comfort toy, so I bought a doll with a big head of the same colour hair as me and slowly move the dolls hair into her hands as she is falling asleep.

Happens very often with me. My kid has recently turned 3. Would often pull my hair. I then hold his hair and say should I pull yours? He immediately leaves me. Then says sorry mummy. I think it's just a phase.

My kid was a chronic hair puller. On the advice of the health visitor, I bought a lightweight silk scarf and wore it for a few days so it smelled of me, and then gave it to my kid at 'danger times' when they'd normally pull my hair. It didn't totally fix it (didn't work for tantrums), but it did make a big difference overall!!

Could you put your hair up in a bun, with tight-fitting hat over? As soon as his hand goes in that direction, hold it and redirect.

DS went through a thankfully short lived stage of very long tantrums at about 2.9. It was usually tiredness but awful. So doesn’t necessarily mean ASD, although worth exploring of course.

I rang his dad once DS was in bed (works away) and he actually suggested half joking that I get a shower cap 😂 I'm sure he'd pull that off though.

He's actually so so stubborn. Sometimes it's like his way or the high way, if he's in a mood or not happy about something he will say no to everything even his favourite things. I feel a bit lost at the moment and feel like I'm not doing a good enough job managing his poor behaviour and worry that's it's my fault he's like this. I tried the sticker thing for teeth brushing but he wasn't bothered at all about getting a sticker even though he does like them usually.

It was definitely tied related tonight. I really don't think he has any SEN and nursery always say on his 2 weekly reviews they do for all the kids how well he is doing and developing.

It’s a funny age. I find three much easier then two, we have our moments but I hate terrible twos so much!

Yes my ds always turned into a demon when tired. And like yours the old ‘it’s okay to be upset but not okay to hit’ doesn’t work when they’re screaming so loud they can’t hear you!

I'm definitely looking forward to him turning 3 and hopefully being a bit more reasonable!

Can you put your hair up every evening? Or cur it shorter for a while? At this age I qould say that prevention is more likely to work that trying to stop him in full flow. Hair pulling makes you react and gets your attention on him. The noise you make might be interesting to him. If possible, identify things that will set him off and redirect beforehand. Is there anything different on nights where he doesn't pull your hair? It should get easier as he matures and can communicate better.

My hair is always tied up when we are home, I sometimes wear it down for work but always tie it up before I collect him (usually because I'm sick of it in my face my then) but this doesn't stop him, he still pulls it out. My partner actually asked when I video called him last week what on earth had happened to my hair, it looked like I'd been rolling around in a bush.

His speech and communication is really good and there's not much he can't say or tell me now. I can usually try and avoid some triggers but when he is tired like this there is just absolutely no working with him. He's often great after nursery and runs out beaming to me and the night goes reasonably well because he still naps there but refuses naps at home and when he's with my parents so like today when my parents have had him I only get the very grumpy overtired version of himself and he barley even acknowledges me when I go collect him.

There's no point explaining anything to him at this age in relation to unwanted behaviour such as hairpulling. He's doing it for attention, not in a deliberate way but just because he knows it always gets a reaction from you and he's almost compelled to try it again.. You need to stop him from doing it by physically removing his hand, preferably before he starts, very calmly and without reacting, just say "no hair pulling". If cleaning teeth hold his arms down with your other hand, if putting shoes on keep your head away, your arms are much longer than his, etc. You could also give him something to hold at those times if that would distract him.

I would also discuss with him at a calm time when he's in a good mood that you want him to not pull your hair all day today and praise him for not doing so. You may find he proudly says to you later "mummy I'm not pulling your hair today" (shortly before he then inevitably does, but at least it shows he's thinking about it!)

In terms of tantrums it's so hard when they are tired. I think it's a case of avoiding triggers as much as possible, so moving mealtimes earlier so they eat before they get too hungry/tired, don't bother with baths or changes of clothes unless it's desperate, even teeth cleaning I wouldn't force if they are really protesting. Literally just a clean nappy and 1 story and into bed. If they are tantrumming it's an expression of their feelings, if it's a result of being tired then into bed asap is probably the best response, otherwise if tantrum is a result of not being allowed to do something/have something I would generally leave him to it, periodically offering a cuddle.. I don't think there's a magic answer and I'm sure things will improve with time. I suggest Janet Lansbury for some easy reading on managing difficult behaviours. There are free articles on her webpage.