How do I get over a friendship breakup?

[ZippyHedgehog]

Hello from a new member. I've been a stalker of the site for sometime but only recently joined. Ironically recommended by the friend I speak of below.

My problem is I'm feeling traumatised by a friendship break-up. I had been friends with her for 20 years, we'd been through thick and thin together. I shared some of the worst times of my life with her and I've told her things no one else knows that I would definitely not want shared.

She met her new partner about 4 years ago, I liked him initially but found him to be quite controlling of her (loads of examples). I had a quiet respectful convo with her and she didn't take it well (massive understatement). Since then things gradually got worse to the point where we no longer speak at all.

Clearly this is a short version of events that happened over 12-18 months. I have realised she was controlling of our friendship and as a massive introvert with some quite severe mental health issues I allowed it.

But I miss her. We were still 'friends' on social media so I saw her sanitised version and I noticed she'd dropped in a few mocking messages about me which I'm quite devastated about.

Do you have any advice on how I get over this - I have since blocked her social media so that isn't an issue anymore. I know I'm probably better off without her, but as a quite lonely person I'm struggling. I wonder if I'm being unreasonable and this is normal?

You will get over it. She isnt good for you accept that

Give yourself time. Heartbreak, even from a friendship, can affect your body like grief does. Stay away from the social media, focus on other friendships, and just be kind to yourself.

YANBU at all it was obviously an important relationship for you and of course you must miss that. I had similar with a very close childhood friend whose behaviour became gradually more unreasonable until it reached a tipping point for me and we parted ways over10 years ago now. It was strange at first. It is a cliche but time really does heal all wounds. Good luck

Time will help and try and keep yourself busy.

Sorry to hear this OP. I think you'll need to give it time. Write down how you feel as much as you can.

Try and do whatever you can to feel less lonely.
These boards can be supportive, there are groups on Meetup that can be fun and possibly lead to new friendships; whatever pulls you forward into a new way of life.
Whatever you do, don't return to the friendship. Controlling people need people to control, and if her new relationship goes pear-shaped, she might just come running back to you.

She sounds dreadful.

One day, maybe many years away, she will see what you saw in her boyfriend.

I think you'll benefit from her out of your life.

Thanks for your kind messages.

I would mute her/not look at her on sm as it's rarely helpful. It's normal to feel Sad at the loss of a friend and it will get easier on time.

Its awful isn't it OP, I've been there and was surprised at myself how much it affected me. It made me paranoid about other friendships and I lost some confidence. At least you know why she dumped you and you know in your heart you were trying to do the right thing by warning her. You would have been a lesser friend to stand back and say nothing.

I think you posted her about her last week as well.

She doesn’t sound much of a friend. Keep her blocked and focus on building up friendships with women who elevate you.

Sorry to hear this. You might find the book "friendaholic" by Elizabeth Dayb insightful. It really helped me with understanding my friendships better and why I needed to let go of some.

Sometimes you have to make tough decisions that make you temporarily unhappy for the sake of your longterm MH. You were right to block her. It’s clear from your post, though, that this probably was not a healthy friendship for you, anyway, but that you continued to engage in it because of your own MH issues, and perhaps not having many other friends. It’s perhaps a good thing it has ended, for your greater welfare. I would allow yourself to mourn, but also turn your attention to making new connections.

Give yourself time. Read Venus Flaring by Susannah Dunn as this covers the breakup of a friendship perfectly.

Thanks I will get a hold of that book, that's really helpful.

This is my first ever post.

Throw yourself in to new things, look to the future and new beginnings xxx

I’ve been through a very similar experience myself and am still grieving. When you split from a romantic partner, there is a definite end to the relationship but this doesn’t often happen in female friendships. The fizzling-out and gradual realisation that you’re not wanted or needed in her life will have been devastating. As everyone else here has commented, apparently time will help heal.

If her boyfriend is controlling her, then she will probably come back asking for your support at some point in the future. You might then have to decide if you want to be there for her. In my case, I would be very reluctant to provide support for someone who had hurt me so very deeply. Although most women are guilty of deserting their female friends when they pair off with a man, I find it utterly despicable when the happy couple form their own little cult of two and push former close friends apart. I’m clearly bitter, but I totally understand how you must be feeling and I wish you a speedy recovery.

Things that have helped me are:

1. hobbies that occupy my ruminating brain
2. dog walks in the countryside
3. not drinking alcohol
4. being aware of my menstrual cycle (if I’m having PMT or not, or depending on your age, if you’re peri menopausal etc.)
5. investing in other friends and family
6. yoga and exercise. Days when I’m feeling really hurt can be turned around by going to do a weights or body combat class
7. Listen to this podcast featuring Friendship Expert Miriam Kirmayer. I really wish this woman would hurry up and write a book!

I had some counselling after the breakdown of a long friendship, I found it extremely helpful and it made me realise it was more a friendship of convenience. You have already worked out she was quite controlling which is a great step. Allow yourself a little time to grieve but it gets better, I have since met more (better!) friends since being able to spread my wings away from her!