Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To think this isn’t rude but enforcing boundaries?

29 replies

Bygoshyouare · 28/02/2024 15:02

Name change.
DM lives with me and two of my children (11 & 15) since my dad died four years ago.
When we moved into current house, she refused to live in the annex as intended and as such I have been in there, with DM in the ‘main house’ with bedroom near to DCs.
She has become progressively intrusive on our lives - constantly talking, humming and singing around the house, banging doors closed instead of using door handles, has a happy dog that she will not train and believes she has every right to walk into whoever’s room she pleases on the pretext of ‘gathering laundry’ or ‘making beds’.
I have said all along that the DCs bedrooms and mine are our private spaces, and told the DC that they were responsible for tidying their space, putting out their laundry / dirty crockery, etc. They’re pretty good - not 100%, but not bad.
That hasn’t been good enough for DM , though, who has carried on helping herself, taking it upon herself to pick through their things ‘tidying up’ and has caused minor damage to DCs things at times through carelessness.
Having had enough, I told my DM of my plan to install fingerprint locking handles to mine as my DCs rooms, and have bought some hanging ‘do not disturb’ signs for use when DCs want time to themselves or when I am trying to work from home.
DM has hit the roof, saying that I am being rude and making her feel like ‘some sort of criminal’
AIBU?

OP posts:
murasaki · 28/02/2024 15:10

If she won't move into the annex, she needs to move out. You and your kids deserve privacy. Can you help find her somewhere else? You shouldn't have been driven into your own annex. It's almost as if she is trying to take your place, hand that rocks the cradle style.

Hatty65 · 28/02/2024 15:13

I'd tell her to leave frankly. She doesn't sound unable to live alone - she sounds an interfering, bossy nightmare. And yes, she's massively intrusive. And rude.

What on earth made you let her move in and instantly dictate that 'she refused to live in the annexe'? Surely you should have said, 'Fine. Find your own place to live' at that point??

Lanawashington · 28/02/2024 15:15

I'm a people pleaser too and know relationships with mums can be difficult, but how on earth has this carried on for 4 years!? As soon as she refused to move into the annex as planned and made you unable to live in your own house, she should have been out. It's not too late

craigth162 · 28/02/2024 15:15

Agree...annex or leave

murasaki · 28/02/2024 15:17

I would love to know who thinks you are being unreasonable, and why. You are not by any stretch of the imagination.

anyolddinosaur · 28/02/2024 15:20

This site has a number of trolls.

Unless there is a big back story, like she paid for the house, she moves into the annex or she moves out, it's her choice.

AegonT · 28/02/2024 15:21

Yes annex or leave. You did a good thing taking her in but it's been four years now and her behaviour isn't fair on you or your kids. Prioritise your family unit.

Scaffoldingisugly · 28/02/2024 15:22

If her ddog isn't trained she needs to rehome it or attend classes.. If she won't behave she can join it..

Oneearringlost · 28/02/2024 15:22

Hmm, I'm assuming you have asked and been firm about these boundaries over the last 4 years?
Without a warning, as with a toddler, immediate, out of the blue action would be unreasonable, however, assuming she has been asked many times and politely, NOT to invade DC and your privacy, what you are doing is not unreasonable in the slightest.
What was she like before she moved in, when your father was alive?

Lollypop701 · 28/02/2024 15:22

who paid for the house? If she put money in then the options are to tell her annex and stop interfering or you’ll sell up and she can get her own home again. With no key to your home

murasaki · 28/02/2024 15:22

Is the annexe self contained, e.g. bathroom and kitchen and separate entrance? If so, a bolt in your side, and she can knock on your front door like any other visitor. If not, your problems will remain the same....

GlitteryEars · 28/02/2024 15:24

When we moved into current house, she refused to live in the annex as intended and as such I have been in there, with DM in the ‘main house’ with bedroom near to DCs.

WTAF.... You've been walked all over for way too long. She needs to go in the annex or live somewhere else.

OriginalUsername2 · 28/02/2024 15:24

You should be in the house, she should be in the annex. No wonder boundaries are all over the place! You should be the head of the house here, but she’s in your position.

MrsTerryPratchett · 28/02/2024 15:27

I assume you're in the FOG. Google it. And take some assertiveness courses.

2catsandhappy · 28/02/2024 17:19

"Hey mum, the dc are 4 years older now. On my next day off I am moving our furniture into the main house and moving you into the annexe. If you remember this was the original plan."
And do it!

CeciliaMars · 28/02/2024 18:42

I couldn't live in that situation. But fingerprint activated locks is ridiculous! I would say the situation isn't working for any of you, and work out how you go back to living separately. This will depend on how finances were combined in the first place. To be honest, the minute your DM refused to live in the annexe and made you live separately to your DC, it would have been game over for me.

EveryKneeShallBow · 28/02/2024 18:48

I live with my daughter, her partner and her children (my house). We have very clear boundaries and are nothing like your set up. Her behaviour is entirely unacceptable you need to tackle it head on. But fingerprint locks is a ridiculous solution. Talk it over, re-establish acceptable boundaries or end this arrangement which is unsustainable.

GreatGateauxsby · 28/02/2024 18:51

fuck the fingerprint door handles.
This is nuts.

She needs to move into the annex or move out

buswankerz · 28/02/2024 18:55

Well she needs to move out doesn't she

Whenitsnotalwaysraining · 28/02/2024 19:03

What are the criteria under which she moved in op?

Did she buy the home? Are you contributing to the mortgage? And charges? Who pays for food etc?

How are the household tasks distributed? Who cooks and cleans? Do you both work full time?

On the outside, it looks like your dm is being very intrusive and disrespectful and I can’t believe she took the main bedroom! She’s allowed to sing though! And the fingerprint locks are a completely mad substitution for a proper conversation.

But depending on the answers to the questions above, she may have an entirely different view of your living arrangements and instead of it being your dm living with you, she may perceive it as you and your dcs living with her!

BobbyBiscuits · 28/02/2024 19:08

I would just get basic locks for the doors she tried to enter and lock them when the person leaves. Then gently introduce the annex as her best place to be. If she refuses after gentle coersion then you will have to tell her to find elsewhere.

pinkfondu · 28/02/2024 19:09

She has refused to respect the reasonable request to stay out, you are not the problem

bfsham · 28/02/2024 19:25

Who owns the house?

Alwaysgoingforit · 28/02/2024 19:31

All sounds a complete nightmare, bth it would be better if OP came back and answered some questions, unless......

Rubbishconfession · 28/02/2024 19:35

I don't understand you're putting up with this if it's your house?

Move her into the annex and install locks in your room in the main house.

Swipe left for the next trending thread