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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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17 replies

CyanLurker · 28/02/2024 14:48

At this point I just need to hear your opinions and try to relax from the nightmare I live day by day and listen to your opinions to know if I am crazy or if I am right. Me and my boyfriend came on vacation to his country , the idea was to stay in a cabin that his parents have on another island to have more privacy and not stay at my in-laws house. Sandly we have been here longer because my boyfriend lost his job at that time, it has been 8 months here and it will be one more year due to the new job he has now. The nightmare started as soon as we arrived, my in-laws started coming every day,they have an extra key, so they enter whenever they want, they opened the door whenever they wanted, they came in even if we were not here (we have even jumped out of bed on a Sunday because they appeared and opened the door), they never tell us when they come, the worst thing is that it is every day. Next to the cabin my in-laws had bought a house for a move in the future, what a coincidence that a week after arriving they were already starting to make the necessary renovations because mysteriously they wanted to move as soon as possible (I know they want to do it because we are here). My father-in-law has been coming every day, without missing a day (if God blesses me he may not come one day and I can relax), he comes and stays all day. They know absolutely everything we do and unfortunately even how we live. You can imagine that I have to clean every day even if I don't feel like doing it just because I know that they can show up at any moment and that makes me constantly tense. As that house is almost finished, my mother-in-law has also been coming over very often and if I go out to the gym or for a walk... I have her at the window as if she were Rapunzel, asking me where I've been, that means I'm already mentally preparing myself to see her there watching everything. I am too shy and sometimes I like to be alone, my boyfriend has talked to them and has expressed that we want more privacy but nop, not changed anything, they only make light knocks and enter, they do not wait to be attended or they text when they are already outside. I can't afford to walk around without a bra or try not to comb my hair one day or leave dishes to wash the next day... I live on some islands, they have their house 20 minutes from where we came and they still came every day... even if there was a storm outside. Me and my boyfriend love each other but this is starting to put our relationship at risk. Thanks for reading me and sorry if this is too long , my English is not the best.

OP posts:
GreyhpundGirl · 28/02/2024 15:11

Why are you still there? Why can't you go back to your home country?

CyanLurker · 28/02/2024 15:18

Thank you for answering! i have not returned to the country where we lived because i love him and i love to accompany him and support him in the job opportunity he has now but i have started to consider going back alone.

OP posts:
Hadalifeonce · 28/02/2024 15:24

Change the locks, get a bolt put on the doors.

hedgehoglurker · 28/02/2024 15:32

Sorry to be blunt, but the solution seems quite simple. You should move out of their house, if you don't like their rules/ customs. They aren't going to change.

jeaux90 · 28/02/2024 15:34

Move out or move back. The fact he says nothing about personal boundaries also is of concern.

Do not have kids with him.
Do you work?

Aquamarine1029 · 28/02/2024 15:36

The only way this will change is if you leave.

Aquamarine1029 · 28/02/2024 15:37

To add, love isn't enough to deal with this nightmare.

ShanghaiDiva · 28/02/2024 15:37

Move out. It’s the only solution as they will not change their behaviour.

OriginalUsername2 · 28/02/2024 15:41

Go home.

I want to hug you, this sounds like a nightmare.

Honestly, go home. You get what you’ll take. Show everyone and yourself that your boundaries are strong by removing yourself from the situation. When you’re home you can figure out what to do next.

Tempnamechng · 28/02/2024 15:42

You won't have privacy from them whilst you are guests in their house.

CyanLurker · 28/02/2024 15:45

I completely agree with you. Although we initially moved to another island for this reason, they have followed us and continue with their rules here, after all it is a cottage in their garden isn't it? I hope my boyfriend accepts the idea of renting somewhere else before they move because I am fed up, although between us I fear they will follow us with their visits until the end of the world...let's pray it doesn't happen. My boyfriend set boundaries but I think there is a severe case of Enmeshment because I haven't seen them respecting! I work but am looking for a better job option as I am about to graduate. We don't have children although I doubt we can look for one with them coming in all the time 😂 I fear the wonderful relationship we have may be affected by this

OP posts:
Aquamarine1029 · 28/02/2024 15:53

Op, you have to very seriously consider if you can handle these people being in your life forever. They are not just going to magically change, and if your boyfriend isn't willing to make very hard boundaries, nothing you can do will change anything, except for leaving him.

OriginalUsername2 · 28/02/2024 15:57

I would STRONGLY advise you not to have these people become your in-laws and your babies’s grandparents.

If you were older I’d say maybe you can set some boundaries but honestly, as a graduate benefiting from these adults I don’t think that will work for you in this situation.

In life, always make sure you’re in a position to say “fuck this” and get yourself out of any situation. Right now you say you can go home. I’ve been in a very similar situation and not had anywhere to go. I’ve never been so miserable in my entire life and then on top of that, Covid happened and I was locked into the situation x100. I nearly lost my mind. Don’t be me! Go home.

CyanLurker · 28/02/2024 16:05

Thank you for your answers, I have read them carefully and I agree with them. My in-laws are nice but very invasive, my mother-in-law is very insistent when she wants something and that is something that bothers me because it goes against my personality , as I said above I am shy... and it is a big problem. I am 26 years old and my boyfriend is 35, as you can see... he is a little old to have these visits all the time or uncontrolled attentions, I have recommended him to start therapy to understand the enmeshment that I see from his parents towards him. He is not an only child, he has siblings who live in another country but I think he is a kind of baby Jesús because ughhh is to much.

OP posts:
soscarlet · 28/02/2024 17:31

Could you be loudly having sex (or pretending to) every time they pop round? It might embarrass them into leaving you alone. They sound awful.

Lovingitallnow · 28/02/2024 17:34

Is it possible they're doing it on purpose because he came for a vacation and 8 months later is still there?

Rubbishconfession · 28/02/2024 17:48

My father-in-law has been coming every day, without missing a day (if God blesses me he may not come one day and I can relax)

my mother-in-law has also been coming over very often and if I go out to the gym or for a walk... I have her at the window as if she were Rapunzel, asking me where I've been

Thanks for reading me and sorry if this is too long , my English is not the best.

I think your English is fab, you're very funny!

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