Smug parents

[newmum0604]

Why is it ok for parents to take credit for certain behaviours or skills in their children but not others? (For what it's worth I don't think any credit should be taken)

For example if a child is a good eater the parents take credit for that and they couldn't POSSIBLY imagine why any other child would be fussy other than the parents must have weaned them on Oreos and KFC.

Or if their child is a good sleeper it's because of the perfect bedtime routine they instilled from birth and if another child doesn't sleep well it's most definitely because the parents have never thought to give them a bath and wind down before bed.

I think I'll start going round telling people whose 2 year olds aren't talking yet that it's their fault for not reading or talking to them, I've cracked it!

Wait... You're not supposed to wean on Oreos and KFC?

Fuck

Parenting is hard. You take whatever wins you get.

Yep. But if they are doing anything ‘bad’ it’s never a result of their parenting.

I half agree

I think there are certain areas where good parenting does have an impact. For example on the fussy eating, when having DC I knew most go through a fussy stage around 2, but kids are unlikely to only eat a certain food if they’ve never tried it. Before then DD never touched a chicken nugget, or crap in general. So when she went through a 4 month fussy stage she still ate well (beans on toast, omelette, the odd curry)

same with sleep, those without a routine often struggle

Parents spend their lives apologising or trying to gloss over guilt that they didn’t teach their kids/sort something etc. like someone above says you take your wins and are so relieved and proud you can say something worked!!!

I agree. I do think good parenting can help but a lot of behaviours are just luck. My son has been a good sleeper (mostly) since he was born. He slept through the night pretty much from day one. I definitely didn’t do anything to make him this way and deserve no praise. I just got lucky.

You can have a perfect child followed by a demon so the smugness won't necessarily last! My first slept like an angel and l was full of self-congratulation until l had number two, who didn't sleep at all until he was about 15! Same genes, same routine - totally different outcome. Just do the best you can with what you've got and ignore the smuggos - there's a lot more luck involved than people like to admit.

Why shouldn’t they be pleased that the choices they’ve made have panned out?
The things you mention don’t just happen. A child doesn’t just magically become a healthy eater without some effort from their parents. For some children getting them to be the way they are has taken a lot of energy and commitment.
Nurture matters for a lot of children. Different choices mean different outcomes.
This is not always true. Some children are going to struggle with food or sleep no matter what.
As others have said you take the wins and it’s ok to be proud of your children.

Well I didn't say they can't be proud of their kids, they absolutely can!

It's the assumption that everyone else has failed without even considering they might have done everything the same way but had a different outcome.

I know what you mean OP. Of course people can put the effort in for their children and be pleased it pays off, eg feeding them a varied diet and now they eat anything. It’s the suggestion that people whose children don’t do so well at those things are to blame for it, and that if they’d just parented their way, they would have had a better outcome. Which is usually bullshit.

Thread about a thread. Which is not allowed.

“My children aren’t fussy, if they don’t eat their main meal I won’t cook them anything else.”

Oh wow, is that how it works? Because after I cook a tuna pasta bake, if my children don’t eat it I will offer to make them toad in the hole or spaghetti bolognaise

I know exactly what you mean, it's the same with exam results, if Tarquin gets a sack load of As it's because his parents have worked hard since -9 months before he was born to achieve this. However if he doesn't get a sack load of As then it's the fault of lazy teachers etc etc.

You want a better one? ....... my last midwife told me that talking to the baby in the womb was scientifically proven to eradicate ADHD ...... this was baby number 3. Myself and my eldest have diagnosed adhd. My eldest and middle have asd too. Baby is already being flagged for it ........ can't of talked to them enough!

I agree with you 100% OP. My child is an absolute angel. It's not just the case that I think she's an angel either - she absolutely excellent at school, excellent reports never in trouble etc. And she does and has always been willing to eat a really healthy varied diet.

By the standards of many who post on here I am the shittest parent in the world, and so's my daughter's dad. Well not quite - we are not abusive, we both love her very much, and of course we do our best to encourage her to make the right moral choices. But things like food and bedtimes and screen time and all that, we in no way ever lived up to the standards talked about on here.

We are just lucky. Nobody could ever have deserved a child so perfect.

Compared to my comfort levels, I feel a lot of people on here are very desperate to control their children (all this "my house my rules" stuff, or "my child my rules", which personally I find quite sinister). A natural corollary of this need to control will be to then take credit for anything the child does go on to achieve.....

I'm sounding judgemental here and I shouldn't - we are all different. For me, kids are just a massive blessing, and we should be thankful for them in all their infinite variety and wonderfulness, rather than trying to claim they are a reflection of us ourselves.

Because there is no definitive data either way. There is no proof of the degree of infkuence in the nature vs nurture debate. It's possible to do baby led warning on organic unprocessed foods and have a fussy child, just as its possible to provide no space to study or encouragement or support and have a child who gets into Oxford. It's a natural phenomenon for people to over estimate their own influence in any situation

This is MN where all the smug mums come.

Unresolved issues you need to work on?

otherwise why does it matter what other parents do, if you are not doing anything wrong it is not about you

I could never. I have 2 children that are so different in all the aspects you mention. My son has always eaten whatever is put in front of him and still requests fruit and veg just for him (I eat a lot of fruit that is solely mine so he asks for his own supply!) Yet my younger daughter is very picky with food. She always has a separate meal to us. My son used to have night terrors. Sleep walking. The works. It was very difficult for years. Yet my daughter can fall asleep within minutes of being put to bed. It's less about parenting and more about pure bloody luck.

Well, the parents OP is talking about do make it about others by saying stuff like “why don’t peoples kids eat the same as they do?”

This is brilliant

ADHD highly hereditary and a common symptom is talking too much a lot…

if only all these mums and dads with chronic adhd talked whilst their baby was in the womb eh!!

Last parents evening my dtd’s form tutor said “I just want to say you’re doing a great job raising polite, well rounded, happy dc - they come to school happy every single day and that’s due to a loving family background we don’t always see.”

it surprised me as I think my dc have a “normal” but not outstanding upbringing, but I guess the reality is there’s a huge contrast and number of dc who don’t have that homelife and while eating a varied diet can be limited due to nature it can be hugely influenced by nurture and separating the two is tricky and emotive.