Massive back story but in a nutshell my ex husband is an abusive idiot with narcissistic tendencies.
Since we officially separated 4 months ago, he has done nothing but make life difficult for me and ds who is 5.
He has shown little interest in ds and when he has seen him, he's introduced ds to his new girlfriend straight away and confused ds massively as well as continue to abuse me in anyway possible - lots more I could add but I won't unless asked.
I have filed for divorce. We don't speak unless necessary. I am doing much better now - finally. And living a much calmer life.
I have never felt comfortable sending ds to his dad. Ex has broken the trust massively for me with his actions. He also never FaceTimes ds. Never asks me how he is. Is late with his maintenance (cms are involved) and had cancelled the last 2 visits. He has not seen ds for 4 weeks now and this was only for 2 hours as ex changed the plans.
The arrangement I gave to ex was every other Saturday. Ex could have more time if I saw an improvement and felt like he actually wanted to have ds in his life. Instead ex had gone the opposite and it now feels like he wants nothing to do with ds.
As mentioned, he cancelled the last 2 visits. We have since spoken on the phone about this. Ex blames his mental health for his actions (he always uses his mental health as an excuse for everything) and stated that he didn't know when he could see ds again. In the same call he then said instead of having ds for one full day, he would have ds for 2 nights a week for tea.
I told him I would think about it but my answer is no for the following reasons:
Ds would not be collected until between 5/5.30. He is only 5. He is absolutely terrible at night time and it takes me a good 1.5 hours to get him to sleep each night. Sometimes longer. If ds is out 2 nights a week, it's going to make it harder for me to get him to sleep. He has really bad anxiety and is waiting to be seen by our local children's mental health service. I know that it wouldn't benefit him.
I don't want ex at my house due to the last time he was here (4 months ago) I had to call the police regarding an incident caused by him. I have not seen my ex husband since and my mum has been helping with the handovers. I think I could handle seeing him again however I don't want him at my house under any circumstances. Which means if ds were to go to his dads for tea, that means me driving him to my mums house (15 min drive) and back each night. I have 2 older children too and this just doesn't work for us.
Lastly - we had the arrangement. Every other Saturday was has time. I don't believe his mental state is the reason for not seeing ds. It seems to me like his Friday nights are now for drinking at the pub. Or Saturdays are for being in the pub - or both.
His new girlfriend loves a drink and nightlife. A 5 year old child won't fit into her plans. My ex has apparently moved straight into her home with her children who are older.
So I called ex today (had to speak about other divorce stuff too) to tell him I was sorry but having ds for tea 2 nights a week simply doesn't work for us however he is still welcome to have his Saturday and we can look up at building the nights for tea once I can get ds hopefully sorted and better with his sleep and anxiety.
His reply was 'just leave it, I won't bother having him'.
No concern about ds. Nothing.
So that's it. He's not seeing ds at the present time.
Does anyone think I was being unreasonable to say no to ds going for tea?
As this was a phone call, I sent a follow up email to him explaining that it is his choice to not see ds and he is welcome to come back to me when he's 'in a better place' 🙄 I said we can slowly build the contact up again if he decides he would like to see his son. I just did this to make sure I have prod that I am not stopping contact. I am just stating that his idea of contact does not work for ds or our family.
Thoughts welcome - I just feel I need to stop letting him walk all over us.