To have advised friend to not mention affair?

[Aintbaint]

Truthfully I don’t actually know which is the ‘right’ way - friends group is 50/50 on this…

Friend has been married 20 + years, 3 children - 3, 6, 13. DH came home and announced he’s met his soulmate and wants to be with her so wants to sell house and divorce. It’s come out of the blue, has known this woman about 6 months through work.
He’s a services type role so away a lot, but that has also meant friend has been a SAHM for 13 years.
Shes screwed, no job, no income, no savings and no pension. Plus the youngest are still very young. The DH wants to buy a place with the new woman.

It’s all a big shock and clearly going to have a massive impact on the kids. She asked what she should tell them… is it ‘ sometimes adults have to separate but we both love you very much blah blah blah’ or is it ‘daddy is a fuckwit who’s choosing his new girlfriend over his kids and family’

I mean WHAT do you say under these circumstances?

YANBU - for the sake of the kids make it sound mutual and disguise the fact daddy’s thinking with his penis.

YABU - tell the older kids dad’s got a girlfriend, they’ll soon find out anyway? Let them know how he’s destroying the family unit. It’s not mum’s fault.

I also wonder why saying, in effect if not literally "your dad prefers to live with another woman than with us" is badmouthing him.

Obviously that wouldn't be a good thing to say to your children, but i don't see why OP (or anyone else) should have to wait until the DCs work it out. And while they are with their dad, who knows what he's telling them? which is why doing it together is probably the best move, if it can be done without too much emotion.
(not least because i do prefer the idea of the mum and dad both being there to see the DCs reactions, and support them together)

All good comments. I having had an update I think her intention is to have the dad speak to the older children. The oldest worships him, I can’t see this going well at all.
really feel for friend and those kids. He seemed like a really good, engaged father when he was at home.

‘I also wonder why saying, in effect if not literally "your dad prefers to live with another woman than with us" is badmouthing him.’

What an awful thing to tell your kids though. Even though it’s true . He’s in cloud cuckoo land if he thinks he chucking his wife and kids out of their house to sell it when they have no alternative.

Been there. Mine were about 3 and 5. He intended to move in with OW pretty much straightaway and I refused to take any element of "blame" so we sat together and I made him say that he wanted to live with another lady and you can't live with two. At the time they were weirdly ok but a decade on their feelings are changing and they regularly express a feeling that he chose her over them (he moved a distance away). As they are now adolescents and starting to explore relationships they are angrier with him now than they were back then. He of course, when he agrees to talk about it at all (he usually shuts them down) runs the Script about being unhappy for ages etc. I tend to say that we each have our own versions and that a lot of time has passed and their relationship with him is not really my business any more. If they choose not to see him they are now of an age to do so. As the kids involved here are of such different ages it is likely they will need different approaches but its crap however it goes.

Relatio had this exact scenario. After a protracted and vicious divorce, she came away with the house, half his Forces pension and £100,000. Don't let your friend agree to anything without a solicitor.

Ideally tell the children together. But Daddy is moving out to live with another woman. Eventually he will have a house and they can go and stay.

Don't slag him off to the children, however distraught friend is. It can have the opposite effect to what you would expect. Kids think, "She's being very nasty about Daddy. No wonder he left."

yabu

Ideally mum and dad should tell the kids together. “Dad has decided to live in a house separately, dad still loves you kids very much”. When the kids ask why, dad should explain factually that he loves the children and that love is forever, but sometimes grown ups don’t stay in love and dad no longer loves mummy and dad wants to live with his new girlfriend.

It sounds as if they are moving in together straight away, and the 13 yo will figure it out immediately if daddy is with another woman when she goes to visit. Why should the 13 yo have to listen to lies about a mutual separation? It will just breach trust even more and make healing harder.

The 3 yo won’t really take it in - will just want to know that daddy will see them at the weekends sometimes (as dad works away a lot, perhaps not much change there!)

The 6 yo will need some help to process what’s happening but ImE if you can avoid acrimony will recover. It’s the teenager I’d be most worried about and will need really special and probably separate conversation.

Yup. He and OW are apparently going to buy a place together asap. She also has a family. I think they both seem like they’re not being realistic about how easy it’s going to be to sell homes they own with a DH or DW, split things amicably and get on with their new lives…

but what is the alternative? even if you don't (as i don't think anyone should) but a 12 year old will hear that.
And you simply can't discount the dad spinning some line to the kids that make mum out to be the bad guy but they have to live with her because she's mum.

IMO it is better for both parents to get ahead of everything and tell them together.

If she doesn't tell them the truth, the kids will blame HER. Kids have a tendency to lash out at the person closest to them and idolise the parent who is away a lot. She doesn't need to tell them he's an arsehole. But she can tell them that "daddy has decided he no longer wants to be married and has found another woman he wants to be with. We both still love you and he will always be your father" or something ever milder.

But I would not hide the truth and give him the opportunity to tell them himself and manipulate the kids.

‘If she doesn't tell them the truth, the kids will blame HER’

bloody hell, she’s got enough on her plate without that.

I think you've raised a good point that DAD needs to be the one to tell the kids, with both parents present; he needs to be the one to explain and field the questions. hes the one that's started this and he needs to have the responsibility to deal with it and that includes communications to the children.

In reality the message needs to be that dad is making the choice (fact) he wants to be with someone else (fact) and is leaving the family unit (consequence). There's not bad mouthing - that's fact and consequence. Stick to fact and consequence; those are undisputed.

If he starts with stuff such as "mum never did X" so that made me leave" - that's blame - needs to stay a whole lot away from that place.

Tell the truth, but do it sensitively. Children aren’t stupid, they work it out.

Never bad mouth kids parents to them. They'll work it out for themselves. Be the good guy.

Re your friends situation:

As a married person with no prospect of work and a child under school age, she will be entitled to more of ex's assets than someone with a career tbh. Including a proportion of his pension, a good proportion of income for maintenance, and a larger share of profit from property or even potentially to insist the house is not sold until youngest is 18.

She needs good legal advice and quick, and probably to request mediation to agree a fair settlement.
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