Mothers 70th. AIBU?

[Ozzy91]

My mum has invited our whole family (wives, husbands, children etc) to a house in Kent for three nights, to celebrate her 70th birthday.

The dates are 13th, 14th and 15th September. However I am due with our second on the 3rd September and am having a c-section which will take place on 27th August. This means I will have a 2 week old baby and be recovering from a c-section and so have spoken to my Mum and said that we won't be able to join but that we can celebrate back home on her actual birthday (17th). I am now feeling very guilty about this. But am being told that it's okay to have said no. So please tell me, AIBU??

She said she didn’t mind, so I’d take that at face value. Also, presumably she knows about your caesarean so would have checked dates with you if she was desperate to have you there? Is there more to this? Is she testing you to see how important your birthday is to her? I may be projecting my own mum’s behaviour there!!

@Laughtillyoupee not projecting at all! My mum can very tricky and will say it's fine but then I'll be punished in some form or another. I honestly don't think she would have even thought to check dates with me first. Her birthday is very important to her so I can't imagine she would want to celebrate too far from the actual date.

did you want to go and she’s uninvited you? i’m not clear

she sounds ghastly and i personally would not want to holiday with her and i wouldn’t want my children in her vicinity either

@ion08 no, we've all been invited today via the family WhatsApp group. I've had to tell her I can't come as will have had a baby 2 weeks prior via c section. Just concerned that I'm being selfish or something. I have deep seated childhood issues which I believe is why I react this way. lol.

my point is….

having a newborn doesn’t rule out a family holiday. For me it would have represented sitting on sofa with baby whilst being pandered to.

So are you hurt your mother has assumed you won’t go? or are you worried that she will be pissed off because you’ve declined?

either way… she doesn’t sound a pleasant individual and i wouldn’t want to be around someone like that with my children 🤷‍♀️

ah so you’ve told her you can’t come

very surprising that she had forgotten your due date!

anyway…. step away and don’t give this scenario another thought. take what she says at face value and don’t give another thought

Whether she has remembered the due date or not, she can’t change her birthday. Some people like to celebrate their birthday on or near their birthday, I know it is my preference. I expect she thought she could hardly not invite OP but at the same time didn’t expect her to come. OP has declined, mother has said fine, I’d leave it at that. Nobody is being unreasonable.

@ion08 thank you. I think this is what I needed to hear. I'm aware that this all probably sounds crazy.

Did she know about your due date before sending the invite?
Just looking at the dates and I think you must be 12 weeks pregnant so only just getting the due date and it's plausible you hadn't told her yet

That would change my opinion as inviting you not knowing you were pregnant is different to knowing it's right around your due date and not referencing that in the invitation.

YANBU, OP. No adult needs to make such a fuss about their own birthday, for goodness sake, and it's not compulsory to attend.

Seriously? Poor OP will have to be in the house looking after a two week old baby while friends and family celebrate with her DM? I imagine she wants some home comforts or at least to establish some kind of routine with a literally brand new baby!

Two weeks after a C-section I was no was comfortable enough for car journeys.

I needed rest, comfy pants and looking after, nothing else. Stay home and don't feel guilty.

No YANBU. However you might find that you feel ok to go there and make sure that all the family wait on you hand and foot!

@Ozzy91 do not go.
i had swelling at 2 weeks post op and didn’t really have much that fitted. If you damage your stitches or scar are they going to come to your house and help you parents? Recover? No! You’ll be having a harder time.

you are having a major operation with the need for medical down time. People down play it coz a lot of people have c sections but also a lot of people don’t so have no idea of the umbrella of recovery outcomes people have so are not giving evidence based advice. you have no way of knowing how you will feel, how your baby will be and how we feeding/sleeping will be established. It’s just one of those things.

it doesn’t matter what everyone else thinks- you need to recover. That’s valid. Don’t go. You can’t control other people’s reaction to that fact but most sensible people would think you are totally reasonable. Also I couldn’t have done a long drive with stitches as it was sore getting in and out of car positions.

enjoy your new baby and your little family. Celebrate on another day. Don’t give your mental energy to someone who sounds mean during your childhood.

Of course YANBU, and it's ridiculous for anyone to think you would want to go to some massive 3-day fecking family party 2 weeks post section. I went to a wedding 17 days after my c-section, some years ago, but it was 10 miles away, DH drove, parents looked after our baby, and I was glad for a night out. (We came back at 1am and didn't stay.) I was still a little sore, and a bit weary from very little sleep for 2 weeks, but DH told me I did have to go, as it was only a workmate. So I wasn't forced or bullied into it.

In your situation however, I would be VERY reluctant. It's 3 days AWAY with your baby, you don't know how you're going to be, or how the baby is going to be, or how you are going to feel. Family or not, I would be declining. I hope your mother doesn't try to make you feel shit about it @Ozzy91 but if she does, that's HER problem.

Good luck with your pregnancy and your new baby!

She has trained you well! No she is being unreasonable not accommodating you or doing something you could go to easily with a small baby if you wanted to like a short lunch. But only if you wanted to. However, try and pretend that she is an adult who says what she means and she has said no worries if you can't go so take that at face value (appreciate that is hard).

yanbu at all