Sister driving me nuts

[JennieM94]

Sorry this will be a long post
How do we give up on people who quite clearly can’t be helped?
My sister is and has been driving us mad for years.

• She was bullied at school and as teachers didn’t listen or do anything I was looking over her at school. All the other girls knew exactly who I was and learnt to just leave my sister alone in the end. This extended to social media as well as she was cyber bullied. She would often hang out with my friends because she didn’t want to/couldn’t get her own.
• At university (she studied mental health nursing) I would give her tips on referencing/spelling on her coursework etc. But she struggled and the course took her ages to complete.
• she’s always been overweight. Even as a baby she would cry if you didn’t feed her quickly enough. We have tried to help her for years to loose weight, she would sneak food saying she hadn’t done but the food would be gone (once she ate uncooked chicken nuggets). I gave up a couple of years ago after she continued to lie about it. My mum keeps telling me she is ‘really trying’ well she was round my house this weekend to house sit and there was 2 bags of cookies, 4 dominoes boxes. Need I say more.
• She borrows a lot of money from my parents (she’s been in work for a while now yet somehow still needs money) she mus be spending it all on food or random rubbish. Again my mum gives her it.
• she then kept getting fired. Issues like this happen every month to 6 weeks. She decided to work in something different recently and ‘loved that job’ now she ‘doesn’t like her manager’ again and mentioned she was looking for a Saturday job to get some more money (she lives at home where is her money going! Again probably food as my mum said she was bringing her lunch home back again) so I wonder whether she is about to be fired again. My guess would be they tell her she needs to improve in some areas etc and she just argues back with them. She cannot take criticism and doesn’t learn from it either.

Now she says she is going to do shifts at a nursing agency, which I have reminded her this morning that she is not allowed to do.

So frustrating! I know I need to just leave her to it, almost ignore any of this and just let her get on with it but it’s hard. I think I worry if something happens to her ie she hurts herself and then I didn’t do anything to help her? But then I cannot solve this for her. I pointed her towards counselling but she clearly can’t/won’t book it and probably expects me to do it for her.
Sick of it.

thank you so much for reading this if you’ve got this far ❤️

You need to focus on your own life, honestly. I don’t understand what any of this has to do with you.

Your sister’s weight, what she spends her own money on, her issues at work - none of your business.

None of this is your responsibility. You can offer her your support and allow her to accept it or not; you can say encouraging things when she achieves something and keep her motivated; you can keep advising that she speaks to HR or seeks out the wellbeing and mental health support available through the NHS to its employees if she asks you for advice about work or difficult work relationships. You don’t need to concern yourself with her diet or offer her criticism you think she should take but hasn’t asked for. If your parents want her to move out or aren’t happy to support her then that’s between then and her.

This literally has nothing to do with you. Ahw is an adult and can her own choices poor or otherwise

Back off. Let her so her thing without any interference from you

Time to work on your own feelings. Time to cut the ties. She needs to realise how life is and learn. It will be the making of her. And free you up

I have often thought that my siblings have made appalling decisions, it doesn't matter its up to them. Give support if its asked for.

She could well be having a moan that her sister is driving her mad interfering with stuff that doesn't concern her...

Even as a baby she would cry if you didn’t feed her quickly enough

Why on earth are you holding that against her? She was a baby.

You sound terribly enmeshed in your sisters life.

So she fucks up and over eats. Why does it affect you and your life?

It sounds like your Mum gives in to her, but that's your Mum's lookout not yours?

OK you worry about her - but this frustration you feel is unhealthy. Let it go.

None of this is your problem. Why is she not allowed to work shifts? (just nosey, again, not your problem if she does choose this)

Do you live with her?

Mine was like this for all her life until she died. I wish someone had told me years ago that she wasn't my responsibility. I wasted years.
Don't make the same mistakes.

Why is she not allowed to work for a nursing agency? That's extremely common among RMN. Loads are either agency or bank. This might suit her better if she struggles with having a boss overseeing her in her workplace (is it a MH ward? ) She could do shifts at different places.
It sounds like you are saying all the negative things you can about her. Why not take a step back. Her life is her own. If you seem resentful/ jealous I can imagine it will only end in tears. Maybe her life isn't what you would pick but you are not there to micromanage other people.

She has restrictions on her working by the nursing and midwifery council

She can’t work for an agency because they all blocked her for working due to various issues for whatever reason and she has restrictions on her by the NMC.

I’ve sent her a message to read over her conditions because she didn’t even know what they were(!!!) and told her that is the last I am going to say on any of these matters she’s an adult. Now I am going to just leave her to it. It’s force of habit because I was told to look after her growing up but I can’t do it forever! Takes the mick and it’s not helping her or me at all it’s not healthy

First post nails it.

She might be your sister but you have to stop living her life for her. If she is overweight, she's overweight. When she got bullied, she was bullied and you put mechanisms in place to stop that. Step back now and leave her be. She is an adult now and must be allowed to make whatever mistakes she makes. Stop being her safety net.

Honestly this has fucking annoyed me.

All babies cry when they're hungry. My oldest nephew is the lankiest kid ever and he used to scream so much he'd lose his breath. You did exactly the same as a baby.

Your sister's mental health sounds like it's at rock bottom and having you judging her all the time probably isn't helping.

None of it is any of your business.

@JennieM94 Ah, OK. Gawd, Then she shouldn't really be nursing at all if she does it half arsed. But yeah. You can't change her. Focus on yourself and just see her from afar when it suits you. Some people are just chaotic.

As long as you make it clear you are always there for her should she need you, you really ought to focus on your own life. As an adult, your sister is now responsible for her own decisions.

I know I need to just leave her to it, almost ignore any of this and just let her get on with it

Yes, yes you do.

Thank you 😊
I have written her a message when she told me she has signed up for agency shifts reminding her she can’t do them, should look over her conditions again and it’s her responsibility not mine and that’s the last I am going to say on the matter. Last time she wanted to me to help her get out of not getting fired and all sorts. Nope not anymore she is an adult it’s her life not mine. I also work in healthcare so have enough stress without having to deal with her stuff all the time, whether she puts it on me or whether I ‘feel’ it’s my responsibility to sort it out (I need to learn it isn’t for sure!) and just let her be exactly that, an adult. She either sinks or swims and I’m always there to offer advice but not to be a safety net when she messes up every few weeks. It’s ridiculous at this point.

I appreciate your comment, I was in a bad mood when I wrote that part so understand how it must have come across. It’s 30 years of anger being word vomited onto a page begging for someone to help me make sense of it.