Possibly cheeky ask, re: recent separation & bills

[LurkingAndVenting]

Hello! This is likely a somewhat cheeky ask-- and I just wanted to get thoughts on it before I go and make the ask to my ex.

My husband and I separated back in October. We've not yet come to a full agreement for Child Maintenance, as both of our finances are in flux while separating our finances (with me doing almost all the admin).

We have 2 children between one another. They stay at his (his mum's) for two nights per week-- Fri & Sat night with an evening return in time for dinner on Sundays. Otherwise I manage everything during the week while's he's "fun time daddy" on the weekends.

We've had issues with the smart meter in the matrimonial home, where it hasn't been reporting readings since start of Feb and I had to manually give readings yesterday. That created a circumstance where I have to top up the account, and I want to know what's fair in asking him for his responsibility for payment there.

Usually the ask would be 1/2, but is that really fair? There's 3 people using energy here.

So would I be unreasonable in starting to ask from my ex, 2/3rd of shared utilities (energy, water, internet), rather than asking for half?

I look forward to your thoughts and feedback there.

^ Actually, I'm looking at this and still getting my maths wrong. 1/2 of 2/3rds? >< Manic!!!

If you're paying 50:50 for the kids, then 50% of 2/3 would be correct, assuming you're happy that usage is equal. But then it's starting to get quite nit picky. You might be in the house more, they probably generate more washing.... it could go on and on.

It's also hard to comment without knowing how you apportion everything else. I know long term plans are yet to be agreed, but how are all other costs being managed?

Getting into small detail (which helps if you're trying to be very very fair) can also make it harder. Can you agree just a lump sum that covers everything you need from him? (But which is based on a bottom up in case he asks?)

I see that he has the children 2/7 nights and you have them for 5/7 nights.

Does he pay for 2/5 of all other costs associated with the children ? Do does he pay for 2/5 of their clothes , toys, activities, childcare , school
lunches, birthdays etc

Because even if he does this, he is only paying 2/7 of the costs of his children and he should be paying 3.5/ 7. So it’s quite reasonable of you to recoup some of this cost in some way.

I don’t understand why you can’t apply to the child maintenance service now, his payments for his children are calculated on his income , it doesn’t matter about your other finances .

Not to do with the meter q but try to move to every other weekend and one weekday with Daddy or you will miss out on parties and weekend fun with your children, Daddy gets to be Disney Dad and you just get the weekday school grind.

I'm just trying to figure it out. 1st time doing all this =D ... his income is lower than mine but then I believe he might be subsidised from his dead parents' accounts.

Also, I've just been trying to get everything in my name, solely, for the matrimonial home and strip all that away from our joint account.

He's always put himself first, even with the kids. It's really gross. So I'm trying to solve for this bill in the meantime, while doing an overall comparison of costs vs child maintenance.

And I've not applied for child maintenance straight away for a number of reasons that have left me in despair and mourning through out. Also, switching from ESA to UC concurrently, and the UC doesn't look right.

The simple answer might be Child Maintenance based on what the UK.GOV website suggests. But again, where he puts his interests first and always, I don't want to get cheated there.

I hope that makes sense.

The nature of his job... its a stretch for him to shift those days. I am working on that, but that's a separate piece from the financials I'm asking about now. And I know for a fact, he'd be unwilling to go to every other weekend, because I asked and he turned that down.

Yeah of course it’s a stretch for his to shift his days. It’s also hard for single mums to find jobs that fit around their kids.

But that’s his life now - he’s going to have to inconvenience himself to look after his kids. Why are you still trying to protect him from the realities of being a parent ?

That is a great question! I'm not meaning to drip-feed, but our situation is very complex.

I don't think he's capable of finding the right childcare to fit his work needs. And I don't think he's able to support our children on weekdays due to the nature of his work.

He works at a prison which limits his ability to even communicate daily because he's not meant to have his phone on prem. So if school phones him on one of "his weekdays" -- they won't hear from him until around lunchtime or after work. Meanwhile, there might be a sick child that needs attention and then in that case, it falls to me almost automatically. So I might as well take the weekdays.

I am fortunate to have a job/career where I can flex. But also I do recognise where my ex has clearly taken advantage of that.

Also in our local area, childcare is really hard to come by... all slots filled up-- and I personally know, because done the work there for enquiring. I'm willing to take advice there so I can advise him to sort it out so that I can have my children on a weekend.

So would it be reasonable to tell him, "Oh hey, you're taking the kids on Thurs & Fri nights and I get them on Sat & Sun nights." <-- where I know that the resourcing for childcare in our local area is not available, and make it his problem rather than looking after our kids?

I'm happy to take advice on all that, secondary to my initial ask above.

Also, I can't trust my ex with money. About this time last year, our house was at risk because of business decisions that my ex made, without consulting me. And HMRC came knocking on our door. I had to talk them down.

My ex's mum just died. That situation was horrific. I personally feel like he tried to push his mum into a care home or kept her in hospital care so that he could live in her house, after we separated in October.

Between October and December (he finally moved into her house in December), he'd bought a bed to put in the children's playroom and set that up as his office space as well. And we were all miserable through all of that. After he moved out while his mum was still alive, he wanted a quick sale of the family home and that put additional pressure on me. It was only last Friday that I learned from him that he's no longer interested in a quick sale of the family home... and I asked him what changed? He said, its because he has somewhere to live now.

I'm not protecting him. I'm dealing with an abusive person and having to tread lightly.