To feel zero optimism at all?

[BlastedPimples]

Just coming out of an abusive marriage of 20 years. Aged 52.

I was a sahm. Worked on and off throughout the marriage. More off as had 4 dcs. No career per se. About which I feel terribly ashamed and angry with myself.

I have a severe lack of confidence. Always have had. I just don't see how I can achieve anything despite having a masters degree in marketing. I just can't fathom how other people succeed and how it could ever apply to me. There is something wrong.

Ds (18) has stopped going to school. Has depression. Sees a psychologist. I cannot see how I can help him further with this and am terrified he's going to be the same as me. I encourage, cajole, help him where I can.

My other dcs are doing ok. They all attend school and are all doing well in that regard.

I feel so lost and alone. We live abroad in a foreign country. Can't leave and don't actually want to leave as dcs in exam years and also halfway through GCSEs. My languages aren't great here though I work on that.

I just feel like I have properly fucked it all up, face a life of poverty and there's nothing I can do to make it better. I carry shame and embarrassment and really don't want to be seen at all.

Ex h off course is off having a splendid life after a marriage of screaming abuse, adultery and violence. He also has a glittering career and is well off. And he actively sabotaged two of my attempts at retraining to get back to work.

I feel bitter and useless. And see there is absolutely no cause for any optimism.
Aibu to feel that this is it? I'm done?

Sorry you feel that way OP, unfortunately I actually agree, life is not worth living anymore. Hopefully a more positive commenter will arrive soon.

And exh has fucked up his taxes unbeknownst to me and it seems I too am liable for this massive tax bill.

It wont seem like it now, but things will get better. Thinking positively really makes a massive difference, I know that sounds silly, but it really does.

It's no wonder you've got low confidence if you've just come out of an abusive relationship and are in a country where you cant speak the language very well yet

Your only 52. Your not dead! You've potentially got 30/40 years maybe more left on this earth! Plenty of time to turn things around

Can you put your degree to use? Can you study somthing new? Volunteer somewhere to help grow your confidence?

Lots of people have retrained at your stage in life and gone on to have good careers / a decent income

It feels unattainable right now because your ( rightly so ) feeling very low. Once you start to feel less stressed you should feel differently

Do you have any local support?

I have a few friends here but was submerged in family life.

Now I work part time for a small charity which I hate because it's all about scrabbling about for money which is just a reflection of my personal life.

I just feel like I have no future. No money to retrain. Can't invest in myself. No time either.

Feckin' pity party all by myself, aren't I?

That sounds incredibly hard OP, anyone would struggle in those circumstances.

The only useful thing I can say is that many, many of us struggle with confidence. I have always had a good case of imposter syndrome despite doing well in my job and being good at protecting calm confidence outwardly. One half of me is secretly convinced I'll be fired for incompetence any day now (while the other half knows I'm doing all the right things).

Don't think you'll never get a job you enjoy - try and slowly build the skills, experience and CV credentials that will allow you to work in a field you want to work in. It's a long game.

We've employed mothers that have been out of the game for years in admin positions that worked for their schedules. They then typically move on to other roles once they've built up more recent time in the workplace, so perhaps an admin position in a marketing agency could be something to consider as a first step.