How to split up when the other person doesn’t

2024Melanie · 2024-02-27T07:22:42+00:00

Ive told DH i want to end our marriage and split up. Ive felt like this a while so i know its not just a flash decision. Hes known ive been unhappy for a while (years) with his drinking, our lack of connection (i feel lonely and solo parent because of his drinking and him leaving parenting to me). Says he will change but still continues. Made no effort. i dont want to do this for the rest of my life. Trouble is, hes not getting what im saying. He wont have it. I just want to move on

HotChocWine · 27/02/2024 07:24

You'll have to move out so he gets it

pickledandpuzzled · 27/02/2024 07:24

You have to do it unilaterally. Organise and begin the process.

Line up your ducks- work out what you need. Start to do it. He’ll catch up eventually!

LauritaEvita · 27/02/2024 08:55

Something similar happened to a friend of mine and that also involved the husband’s drinking. What she realised is, that just as she’d had to be in the driving seat in their relationship, parenting, home life, joint finances etc (he basically did nothing and she was like a single mum anyway), she’d also have to be in the driving seat in their separation and eventual divorce.

Not a single thing happened without her instigating it. He would still be there now if she didn’t get and keep the ball rolling, despite knowing she no longer loved him, no longer wanted him there, was unhappy etc. none of that would have made him leave.

Best of luck. She’s on the other side of it now, seems much happier and he’s installed himself in another woman’s home.

Meadowfinch · 27/02/2024 09:06

Do you have a spare room?

If so move into it and move to a house-share arrangement. Separate your lives, stop sharing cooking, laundry etc. Split each bill 50%. Stop socialising together.

Collect all paperwork, then when you are ready, file for divorce. You'll have to drive it. He sounds like he'll drag the status quo out for as long as possible because it is convenient for him.

SleepingStandingUp · 27/02/2024 09:11

It sounds like the issue is you want him to move out and leave you with the children. Not unreasonable but would he even have anywhere to go? Can he afford to rent a place of his own? Are you able to pay for the house alone?

The easiest answer is to move out. Is the house owned or rented?

Original poster

2024Melanie · 27/02/2024 09:27

Were renting and its in my name not his so im a bit stuck there. I dont really want to move either as my rent is low here and i couldnt afford the £1.500 a month elsewhere 😞

I’ve completed a divorce application but just need to pay for that. I just feel i want him to leave (he has parents he could stay with temporarily/can afford to rent) before i issue it. He keeps telling me he loves me, doesn’t want to split up, bought a big bunch of flowers delivered to my workplace for valentines. Hes just not getting it

OP posts:

pickledandpuzzled · 27/02/2024 09:34

He doesn’t get to stay. It’s in your name- did he move in with you?

It’s better for the DC to stay put and visit him at his parents’ until he’s sorted himself out. He clearly can’t be main carer for the dc if his drinking is an issue.

pickledandpuzzled · 27/02/2024 09:35

Tell him it’s too late for flowers you’ve decided, and he needs to go and stay with his parents.

SleepingStandingUp · 27/02/2024 10:38

Wait for him to go to work, book a day off.

Then book a locksmith.

Then text him.

Bob, i've told you its over and i mean it. When you come back tonight, your clothes will be waiting, and your key no longer works. You need to respect my decision. Our marriage is over. We can discus when you want to see the children once you're ready.

Needamagicfairy · 27/02/2024 10:52

A friend had similar, she filed for divorce while still living together. Getting the papers sent to him seemed to finally make him realize and he moved out. She had been trying for months before to get him to leave

Summerintheforeseeableornot · 27/02/2024 10:55

I also filed for divorce without dh knowing. He moved out. Stop doing anything at all for him. Sort your finances out ASAP.

ADoggyDogWorld · 27/02/2024 10:58

Carry on with the divorce paperwork.

You may need some help getting him out - are you on good terms with inlaws?

toomuchfaff · 27/02/2024 11:45

SleepingStandingUp · 27/02/2024 10:38

Wait for him to go to work, book a day off.

Then book a locksmith.

Then text him.

Bob, i've told you its over and i mean it. When you come back tonight, your clothes will be waiting, and your key no longer works. You need to respect my decision. Our marriage is over. We can discus when you want to see the children once you're ready.

This.

You've got til X date (30 days is normal notice) - i want you gone by then - on X date you will no longer be resident here and will not be welcome or able to enter. Find a place and go.

As X date is approaching - enquire how his search is going - keep to the date. then Change the locks and move his stuff if he hasnt done it.

Dweetfidilove · 27/02/2024 13:02

He’ll get it when he gets the divorce papers.

Deathbyfluffy · 27/02/2024 13:05

File the divorce, end the tenancy when you're at the end of the fixed term and live with your parents.
With all due respect, the marriage ending against his will is a bit more of a 'problem' than your rent being cheap. I'm sure if it was reversed you'd be devastated.

Herdinggoats · 27/02/2024 15:29

toomuchfaff · 27/02/2024 11:45

This.

You've got til X date (30 days is normal notice) - i want you gone by then - on X date you will no longer be resident here and will not be welcome or able to enter. Find a place and go.

As X date is approaching - enquire how his search is going - keep to the date. then Change the locks and move his stuff if he hasnt done it.

Show quote history

This!!!

Haydenn · 27/02/2024 15:31

Deathbyfluffy · 27/02/2024 13:05

File the divorce, end the tenancy when you're at the end of the fixed term and live with your parents.
With all due respect, the marriage ending against his will is a bit more of a 'problem' than your rent being cheap. I'm sure if it was reversed you'd be devastated.

If her name is on the tenancy, she took on liability for the rent and it’s the kids home of course she shouldn’t have to give up the property just to get his sorry arse out!!!

Saymyname28 · 27/02/2024 15:36

If its in your name alone then pack him a back and leave it on the doorstep and change the locks (obviously you have to give your landlord/estate agent a key but so long as it's a comparable quality lock they won't care).

He doesn't get to refuse to split up.

Kdubs1981 · 27/02/2024 15:37

Deathbyfluffy · 27/02/2024 13:05

File the divorce, end the tenancy when you're at the end of the fixed term and live with your parents.
With all due respect, the marriage ending against his will is a bit more of a 'problem' than your rent being cheap. I'm sure if it was reversed you'd be devastated.

Asking for a divorce when faced with completely unreasonable behaviour is nothing to feel bad about. Why would she give up her tenancy and make her children homeless because she has hurt the feelings of an irresponsible manchild who won't take responsibility for his drinking or his kids?

Don't guilt trip the OP, she should have done this years ago by the sound of it