Aibu to take a step back?

[Kenthighst]

A neighbours partner has been seriously ill, I wouldn't be close to the woman but during the time he was in hospital (in another county) I brought her & the dc hot meals, drove hers to activities with mine, had her kids for tea & sleepovers. I always offered help as I cannot imagine what they were going through.
I met the woman this morning out walking & I enquired about her partner. She was very evasive, didn't answer me & made me feel like I was incredibly nosey.
I feel I have overstepped the mark & now I should take a step back.
I genuinely didn't mean to pry, if anything I was just attempting to make conversation.

She probably didn't mean to make you feel nosey but she's obviously unable to talk about it, for whatever reason.

I wouldn't worry about how you came across, it's perfectly natural to ask, given everything you've done for them.

I know that & it really is none of my business but I guess I felt invested enough to ask. The woman never refused an offer of help & was very grateful for dinners etc..
My husband said she has our no & knows where we are if they ever need anything..

Shameless bump before I head to sleep☺️

Whatever the reasons for her reaction, I just want to say it is people like you that make life beautiful and worth living

@Coyoacan thank you that means a lot. I honestly didn't mean to put my foot in it. She made me feel that the question was inappropriate & downright nosey..

I was saying to my dh personally I would have thought it ruder not to have enquired after her partner.

I think you sound absolutely lovely. I might also respond as your neighbour did because I have no way of thanking you enough, hate being the helpless recipient/being in need of help, have no idea how I could ever pay you back (I know you don't expect anything!) and would generally feel socially awkward about everything. Perhaps she feels the same?

I remember when my mum had a stroke, she was miles away in hospital as she'd been visiting a friend. I'd get back from the hospital and have a stream of really well meaning people contact me, all offering different advice, telling me what I should do and say to the hospital, blah blah.

It was exhausting relaying the news 10 times.

It might be that she's just tired.

You sound lovely and I'm sure she really is grateful but just exhausted.

Could something have happened to her DH?
Or maybe her DH doesn’t want others knowing about his health?
Or she could have felt saturated with talking about his health?
Or maybe she has a health condition herself now?
Could they have separated?
There could be so many reasons for it. I agree with others though, you sound like an amazing neighbour.

Some people like me have situational mutism and can't speak at times. I feel overwhelmed if someone does something nice for me, side effect of marriage with abusive XH. She might be overwhelmed or exhausted, it's more likely its about her and how she is or how her partner is then what you said. It's a perfectly normal querie, it's a polite question not a demand for answers and you don't need to feel embarrassed about that. Says me with social anxiety who would not take my own advice, but its not less valid because of that.

Maybe it’s bad news and she just isn’t ready to tell anyone about it, or it was too much to go into at the time.

You were definitely not rude or nosy. It would have been strange not to ask!

What you did was very appropriate. Her reaction indicates there is more to the picture.

When things went badly wrong with exH I avoided taking about him to people I didn't know well. It was such an awful situation and I couldn't face going over it to new people.

What was her actual answer?

@BeakyBlinders she blanked my question, glared at me like I had been very nosey & started muttering about the weather.

So maybe completely caught off guard on something she isn't able to speak about at the moment? She didn't actually say you were nosey?

You have been really kind and a lovely neighbour. Try not to worry about this; as others have said she was probably just overwhelmed.

That reaction sounds like panic to me.

I think she is having a hard time and feels unable to talk about it. Possibly especially in the street. Also, Were her kids with her?

Try not to take it personally, and remain friendly, say hello, maybe say open non-specific things like ‘ongoing best wishes’ .

Thanks everyonet, I have felt dreadful, like I really put my foot in it.
As my husband says she has my number & we're only a few doors down from them so if she needs anything she can give us a bell.

No the kids weren't there & she's always at great pains to ensure they don't hear anything about her dhs illness. I always ensured mine heard nothing that could be repeated in the playground.

No she didn't say it but her body language & face implicated that I had overstepped the mark.

Last shameless bump ☺️

I think you've been very kind and actually, for whatever reason, she was rude. I'd take a big step back. You've done a lovely, neighbourly thing to help out and she was off with you. I'd leave her to it now.

If she does want more help she can come and ask, hopefully with a bit more graciousness than she showed.

@Hatty65 I won't enquire about her dh again. I do realise I probably was out of line as we are not friends as such, she's lives on our road & the dc are friends.
However we had done done so much I felt invested. She really did make me feel like a nosey busybody. I was very embarrassed tbh.

But no one can tell you the answer here, OP. It could be any number of reasons.

She felt you were being intrusive.

His diagnosis is now much worse and she's not able to talk about it.

She feels guilty about accepting so much help from you.

She's deeply private, but feels you feel you're 'owed' information because you helped her out?

She's absolutely sick of recounting his medical condition all the time, even to people with the best of intentions, and it's making her snappy.

Something entirely different.

@Kenthighst I'd have felt the same as you. It leaves you feeling awkward when someone makes you feel intrusive - particularly when the only reason you've involved yourself with her (by the sound of it) was that her DH was ill and you kindly helped out with the kids so that she wasn't struggling.

Of course it's natural to say, 'How is your partner doing?' when you bump into someone - it would be weird not to ask how they were. You've done nothing wrong. As others say, there may be a multitude of reasons why she reacted as she did - but all of these are down to her, not you.

You did nothing wrong and have been kind.

@Hatty65 @smoor thank you for taking the time to reply. It really has played on my mind.
As the saying goes "once bittern, twice shy".. I won't enquire about him anymore if I meet her or I won't text offering help. She knows where we are & can call me.
The last thing I want to be is intrusive or seen as a busy body..