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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Opportunistic MIL, advice sought

11 replies

paddingtonbearr · 26/02/2024 14:58

Today marks the first anniversary of the biggest loss of my life. One I've not recovered from, just tried really hard to accept and adjust to for my children.

We have been no contact with my in laws since last November. This came from many years of hurt and toxic behaviour accumulating to the point where my husband set out what had upset us, to which we never received a reply. Months have passed and I hear from other family members MIL/FIL are victim playing and slagging us off left, right and centre.

My MIL has not once made any contact with us (we have very very young children). I recently saw her and she stared me out quite aggressively.

Today, of all days, on a very sad anniversary for me, she has text me to say she is thinking of me today but thinks of us every day. I am enraged. I feel like she's sat on this opportunity for these months, to use my grief and vulnerability as a way in. On the face of it it seems a kind thing to do but she has done this for PR purposes, cleverly adding my husband into the message too. However, she is extremely manipulative and toxic and I see this as her trying her luck as a way in without doing any work to apologise and make proper amends. We've no intention of rekindling a relationship with the in laws, after all the hurt and complete lack of apology or acknowledgement.

I was hoping for some advice on responding to this type of thing? I want to make it clear that she has exploited my grief and that she shouldn't contact me again? Help much appreciated. Thank you

OP posts:
Redshoeblueshoe · 26/02/2024 15:01

I am so sorry this sounds awful. I suggest you just block her on everything. There is no point in telling her because clearly she won't listen.

Shoxfordian · 26/02/2024 15:01

Block her number, don't send any reply at all - silence is a response

PurpleLamb · 26/02/2024 15:03

I'd reply with a simple Thank You. She can't then say you were ignoring her. And that reply doesn't open up any dialogue or questions. If she's sincere, she'll get back in touch again.

If you're truly not bothered about being in touch ever again then just ignore or leave it to your husband to respond.

Thedogscollar · 26/02/2024 15:05

Ignore and block. You never want to rekindle a relationship so it's no loss to you.

Galeforcewindatmywindow · 26/02/2024 15:08

I am also nc with mil. If she ever did text me I would be shocked as blocked her 9 years ago! Delete and block. Wouldn't even tell dh tbh. She isn't worthy of even a conversation..

Herdinggoats · 26/02/2024 15:10

Just ignore it. She is waiting for you to call her out. Just don’t give her the satisfaction. If your husband says anything just say that it was obviously designed to stir things up
on a difficult day and you don’t have the energy to respond and leave it at that

shenandoahvalley · 26/02/2024 15:13

Ignore it for the rest of today if you need to.

Then tomorrow afternoon or evening reply with "Thanks".

Don't worry about what other people think; they will know what she's like, or will find out in due course.

Your grief is probably heightening your emotions about your MIL, which isn't to say that they're not valid but that they're probably exaggerated today of all days.

So, act accordingly. She's not your priority. Her message isn't meaningful to you. You don't care much about her feelings. She belongs somewhere in the background of your life. A simple "thanks" when you're ready will reflect that.

She's not your DM, she doesn't have backstory with you, you don't owe her anything. It's your DH's relationship and the only thing you owe her is whatever your relationship with your DH requires, which sounds like not much.

StopTheBusINeedAWeeWeeAWeeWeeBagOChips · 26/02/2024 15:25

My own mother did a similar type of thing, sent the photos she had of my son back on the anniversary of his death with a message that made it sound like she was being nice. She wasn't.

Of all the days she could have picked she chose that one.

I didn't respond at all. She got the satisfaction of telling everyone her made up sob story of her being lovely and me being a bitch, which was what she wanted all along, and I just didn't engage at all.

Whatever response you give, other than absolute silence, will not get the reaction you hope for, so just disengage entirely.

Aquamarine1029 · 26/02/2024 15:28

The best response is no response. Don't give her what she's looking for. Block her to avoid anymore of this nonsense.

Niknakk · 26/02/2024 15:32

I see it as her acknowledging your grief on the anniversary and nothing more. Just say thanks.

2024Melanie · 26/02/2024 16:19

Block her

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