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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to say that some people can’t change?

45 replies

Queenconsult · 26/02/2024 12:18

Got into a bit of an argument with my DM at the weekend and I’m wondering whether I’m being unreasonable for thinking (and saying) that I don’t believe some people can change.

backstory - I’ve never got on with my DMs partner we’ve never clicked and the rest of the family feels the same way, he has very outdated views and isn’t very understanding to mental health conditions, additional needs, makes comments you’d expect to see in the sun etc. (hopefully you get the picture)

mum is of the opinion he is a product of his environment and that he is growing as a person over the years, they’re now engaged and we need to try and work past our differences.

The biggest issue I have is that he has made some really vile comments over the years about my younger sister who has OCD and my husband who suffers with depression, these comments were said in earshot of myself and he didn’t make much of an effort to whisper. He has been confronted each time and every time there is a big fall out.

Since having DS(now 2) I’ve been a bit distanced, I won’t spend much time with him, if it’s a large family event we will go, but don’t go to meals our just with mum and him anymore as I don’t like to be around him.

DM confronted me about this at the weekend as she wants to go away for her 60th next year with the whole family and I’ve politely declined as I don’t want to spend a lot of time around her DP. She thinks I’m being narrow minded in thinking people can’t change. I responded I think people in general sure can change, but from what I’ve seen and experienced her partner isn’t one of them.

AIBU to have been a bit blunt in saying that?

Do you think people can change? Am I being petty (I do hold grudges so find it hard to evaluate if I’m being ott or normal)

OP posts:
Theoscargoesto · 26/02/2024 12:50

People CAN change.
But only if they want to.

Foxblue · 26/02/2024 12:51

Gettingbysomehow · 26/02/2024 12:46

You want him to change and suddenly conform to modern ways of thinking?
He is perfectly entitled to think what he wants. He doesn't have to change for you.
A lot of people think how he does but don't admit it in public because of the fallout. At least he is honest.
You cannot get everyone to have the same opinions as you. If that was the case I'd have fallen out with half my friends and probably all of my relatives.
I just see them and don't talk about sensitive issues or change the subject.
It's a shame you let him get in the way of your relationship with your mother.

Genuine question, did you miss the parts of OPs posts where this man is saying horrible things about people who have medical conditions???

WhatNoRaisins · 26/02/2024 12:56

I think people can and often do change their views. I think people can, if they want to, potentially change their behaviour with work. I don't think you can change your personality.

Obviously I don't know if this man has serious character flaws or just some nasty views.

Octavia64 · 26/02/2024 12:58

I think the question of whether people can change is a bit of a red herring.

You don't like your mum's partner. (Neither would I). You are low contact because you don't like how he behaves.

Yes, people can change. But that's not really the issue here. You don't want to go away for the family weekend. Your mum is trying to argue you into going.

Don't go. You don't want to, and it'll either be you (and others) constantly holding your tongue around shitty behaviour or it'll blow up into a family row.

Your mum doesn't want to hear that her partner is why you are not coming because she wants the dream of a big happy family that all gets on.

I'd suggest agreeing with her that people can change, that maybe her partner is changing, and utterly refusing to go on the weekend. Say whatever -

It would be hard for DD
I have to work
I'm volunteering

Gloriosaford · 26/02/2024 13:00

In response to 'miserable ginger twat' I would fire straight back with 'shut it you rancid old git'
Shoot from the hip and with both barrels.

Original poster
Queenconsult · 26/02/2024 13:02

Gettingbysomehow · 26/02/2024 12:46

You want him to change and suddenly conform to modern ways of thinking?
He is perfectly entitled to think what he wants. He doesn't have to change for you.
A lot of people think how he does but don't admit it in public because of the fallout. At least he is honest.
You cannot get everyone to have the same opinions as you. If that was the case I'd have fallen out with half my friends and probably all of my relatives.
I just see them and don't talk about sensitive issues or change the subject.
It's a shame you let him get in the way of your relationship with your mother.

Nope. When did I say I want him to confirm to my way of thinking?

He can think what he likes, what I don’t like is the nasty narrow minded comments to family members and my husband.

OP posts:
Octavia64 · 26/02/2024 13:06

I think him calling her husband a miserable ginger twat is a bit more than just no falling in line with modern opinions.

That's quite a personal insult.

Original poster
Queenconsult · 26/02/2024 13:08

Octavia64 · 26/02/2024 13:06

I think him calling her husband a miserable ginger twat is a bit more than just no falling in line with modern opinions.

That's quite a personal insult.

Oh yes, and when confronted he laughed and said ‘depression, what’s he got to be pissing depressed about’ these are the types of uneducated comments I object to

OP posts:
Gloriosaford · 26/02/2024 13:10

This man might change if he receives appropriate 'pushback' in response to his behavior . . eye for an eye tooth for a tooth style?

HippyCritical · 26/02/2024 13:12

Your mother's the one you should be concentrating on here IMO @Queenconsult , she's the one not respecting your boundaries.

Gloriosaford · 26/02/2024 13:12

How about 'foul mouthed bald asshole'?

Startingagainandagain · 26/02/2024 13:23

''@gettingbysomehow

You want him to change and suddenly conform to modern ways of thinking?
He is perfectly entitled to think what he wants. He doesn't have to change for you.
A lot of people think how he does but don't admit it in public because of the fallout. At least he is honest.
You cannot get everyone to have the same opinions as you. If that was the case I'd have fallen out with half my friends and probably all of my relatives.
I just see them and don't talk about sensitive issues or change the subject.
It's a shame you let him get in the way of your relationship with your mother.''

Modern ways of thinking?

It is never acceptable to make disparaging comments about people with mental health conditions, especially family members who are standing close by.

And no 'a lot of people' don't think 'how is does'' unless they are bigoted, ignorant and beyond rude.

It is not an 'opinion', it is a fact that you should respect people who are struggling depression, OCD and so on. Really is basic common human decency.

Her mother is letting this man get in the way of her relationship with her daughter, SIL and their child. Not the other way around. A mother who lets a man randomly have a go at her daughter for having OCD really does not have the priorities right.

Original poster
Queenconsult · 26/02/2024 14:29

HippyCritical · 26/02/2024 13:12

Your mother's the one you should be concentrating on here IMO @Queenconsult , she's the one not respecting your boundaries.

Well she doesn’t force me to be around him, I get some of her view as he has been a great husband to her, and been there for her in some really awful periods so I can see why she wants me to just ‘get over’ everything that’s happened, but I don’t think he will ever actually change. I don’t think he will ever become a better person deep down

OP posts:
ion08 · 26/02/2024 15:32

No matter… this 60th celebration family get away sounds like it would be nothing short of a shit show of unpleasantness and tension. i wouldn’t want to be in that environment let alone expose my children to it

ion08 · 26/02/2024 15:33

what’s your partners thoughts on whether he will attend?

FirstTimeMum897 · 26/02/2024 15:37

Your mother can choose who she marries/spends her life with. But that choice has consequences. If she chooses to shack up with a twat, of course you won't want to spend time with them, nor should you. Life's too short.

Niknakk · 26/02/2024 15:42

It's up to you what you choose to tolerate or ignore. I personally wouldn't miss all occasions with my Mum because of her 'D'P. I'd just ignore the knobhead.

Original poster
Queenconsult · 26/02/2024 17:15

ion08 · 26/02/2024 15:33

what’s your partners thoughts on whether he will attend?

He is happy to go, he has always said he doesn’t want to be the reason why there is tension.

I just don’t want to be on edge waiting for the next issue to come up

OP posts:
ion08 · 26/02/2024 17:20

how do you feel about your children being around this man and his abhorrent views?

and your partner doesn’t want to cause tension but not being happy to holiday with someone who has been deeply offensive about him?

There is an absence of spines going on here

lottiegarbanzo · 26/02/2024 17:40

People can only change if they really want to. They can't do it for someone else, or because someone else wants them to.

Doesn't sound like this bloke wants to. Why would he? Your mum's happy with him as he is.

Your holiday time is precious, don't waste it on something you don't want to do. Though, any chance you could holiday nearby and meet everyone else for a day or two.

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