Phony Happy Couples

[JayJa]

Doesn't it seem like the couples who constantly promote what fantastic relationships they have to everyone else online are actually the ones in the worst relationships?

I know of at least 5 couples, who have some of the most toxic or downright depressing relationships behind closed doors but it's all smiles and sunshine on their social media.

Surely happy couples don't need to shout it from the rooftops about how happy they are as they have nothing to prove to anyone. Whereas, the unhappy people seem to try and convince not only themselves but others that everything is perfect, almost like a mantra with daily/weekly updates.

It goes without saying I believe these types are in the minority but it highlights a bigger problem at large about how obsessed people have become with how they are perceived online not only in terms of relationships, but wealth and success etc. Have we become a society of narcissists or has social media just given the narcissists a platform to preach from?

Had friends who were married for 20 years... when they finally split they were genuinely surprised that absolutely no one was surprised. They thought everyone believed they were super happy.
It was weird.

I think all too often the wife thinks that they’re blissfully happy, but the man is having an affair with someone else. Seen this happen a lot in my social circle.

There are endless threads about this on MN and to be honest they make me far more cynical about the motives of the poster of the thread than the person who is posting on FB.

I mean sure some people do performative posts about their relationship on FB, just as everyone tries to put their best foot forward in all aspects of life. But it seems quite a jump to assume that anyone who references their spouse/OH on social media must be dying inside. Some are, some aren't, you can't generalise.

I honestly think anyone who is spending that much time going: "Look! Another post from Grace and Alex showing off about how much in love they are! They must be about to divorce!" needs to spend a bit more time on their own life.

There are definitely couples on social media that do this

Gemma and Gorka, for example, are always posting lovey dovey stuff. I don’t know if it’s real or not. I just think you would be quite insecure to have to broadcast all your thoughts and feelings to the world

So my experience is that the people in toxic relationships are really happy in those moments (read trauma bonded).

toxicity leads to an up/down volatility in a relationship where the good is really really good because the bad is so awful.

when you’re in an actually good relationship, you are just less intense period. That’s because you don’t have the gut wrenching pain of them treating you like crap and threatening to abandon you, and therefore you don’t clamber after them like a beaten, lovesick puppy.

a big fight means a big make up. This is what you’re seeing in these posts - the make up, we’re “soul mates” moments. As a hypothetical example: a man smacks his wife and tells her she’s worthless, her self esteem is in tatters…five hours later he rocks up telling her that he loves her and they’re meant to be together forever so she clambers into his arms and they kiss and cuddle and agree to take the kids to the park and they have a fantastic time and it’s all smiles and rainbows and she takes photos and posts them to Facebook to show off her glorious family. And then she wakes up the next morning, spills some tea and he calls her worthless, smacks her and threatens to leave her. And so the cycle goes on.

what you’re seeing in those posts with the big smiles and love hearts IS toxicity and abuse.

I cannot think of any couple who are an exception to your theory.

People who are genuinely happy don't seem to need to have their relationship affirmed on social media. All of the most "loved up, performance couples" on social media that I know, split during covid19.

I must be old fashioned. I just don’t see why people feel the need to post anything about their relationships online. Who cares? What’s the point? I genuinely don’t understand it. What a complete waste of time and resource. Baffled.com

But what is a "loved-up, performance couple"? How are you defining this?

I post pictures that tag my boyfriend if we do something fun, maybe two or three times a year. Does that make me a "performance couple"?

I get that people plastering their feed with "I love you so much" posts all the time are a naus to be around and I too would be suspicious of their motives. But the implication of a lot of these threads is that no one should ever tag or allude to their partner in any way. It just seems a bit controlling for people to feel that any reference to their spouse or partner will be interpreted as evidence that there is abuse or divorce is around the corner. Where are you supposed to draw the line?

I don't bang on about my partner on Facebook or Insta but I do reserve the right to occasionally share a selfie of us in front of the Taj Mahal if we'd done that. If we've done something really cool why the hell shouldn't we occasionally celebrate it?

This is so true. I have sadly noticed a link between friends who used to put a lot of "DATE NIGHT! XX" selfies on social media and the ones who are now divorced. It's like they were trying too hard, or trying to convince themselves.

You seem to be taking exception to something I haven't said.

I'm not talking about a couple of photos on holidays or at events .

I'm talking about weekly if not daily posters with hashtags everywhere like #Happywifehappylife, #couplegoals, #soluckytohaveyou,#hubbyoftheyear etc. for every single mundane thing that happens broadcasted constantly.

The ones where one look at the faces in the photos clearly show all is not well.

@ThirtyThrillionThreeTrees

You seem to be taking exception to something I haven't said.

I'm not talking about a couple of photos on holidays or at events .

I'm talking about weekly if not daily posters with hashtags everywhere like #Happywifehappylife, #couplegoals, #soluckytohaveyou,#hubbyoftheyear etc. for every single mundane thing that happens broadcasted constantly.

The ones where one look at the faces in the photos clearly show all is not well.

I'm not particularly taking exception I have just seen this thread posted many dozens of times on Mumsnet and it always makes my scratch my head because I don't recognise the syndrome. I've literally never seen a post like this on FB or Insta with someone saying #couplegoals. It does sound excruciatingly embarrassing but they just sound like very naff people, nothing specific to being in couples.

Also how to you tell from someone's grin on Facebook that "all is not well"? Genuinely if someone posts a smiling picture on social media how do you extrapolate that their marriage is in trouble?

It just seems for some reason people are really triggered by couples posting on social media and determined to insinuate that its evidence of abuse or imminent marriage breakdown. Again, I think this has a lot more to do with the poster of the thread than the poster of the socials.

I don't disagree but it is good to be mindful not to come across as a boastful dickhead. There is definitely a balance to be had.

I haven't assumed that anyone who references their spouse must be dying inside. I specifically said: 'couples who constantly promote' and 'It goes without saying I believe these types are in the minority'

There are a few chronically-online celeb wives that do this, a couple in particular, where the women talk about how AMAZING their partner is and how FREQUENT their sex is and how much FUN they have together - except there is always a cheating history and/or multiple breakups in their recent past and most of the pictures of the husband are taken without his knowledge.

There is a couple who live in my village who I know a little and am FB friends with, they holiday a lot but seem to spend most of their time posting what they are doing on FB and then discussing something to do with it in the comments (photos of food and then a dialogue about how amazing it was and what they enjoyed most), it’s so bizarre , why not just enjoy your holiday and talk to each other rather than through FB and post your pics if you must when you get home). I actually think that despite the regular gushing of
live towards each other they must be the most unhappy couple I have ever met. I would be livid if my husband and I went for a meal together and instead of speaking to me he spent his time on the phone, maybe they like to think they are showing the world how lucky they are but I just pity them.

I post what I want to on SM - if I love the photo, it was a nice day, feeling happy etc - i’ll post it. I couldn’t care if it was seen to be too lovey dovey/bragging/showing off etc. That’s someone elses perception and not something that should concern me.

The only thing I am concious of is not being on SM too much as we all have those friends that need to do a daily post. We work all week so im most likely to post a few photos at the weekend and I would never worry or care what anyone thought of them. I take everyones happy photos at face value.

However, it is odd that your friend would complain to you about her marriage, then post happy photos. But are they working through problems? Maybe she was happy in that moment and wanted to enjoy it?

We always know when a certain couple are having issues because they start doing the old 'so blessed to have this wonderful man/ woman as the love of my life...' number.

This. 100%. I remember being so bemused by the extravagant loved up posts. It felt so fake and phoney. But now I realise that it was part of this exact cycle.

In her case, it was also partly part of the way he abused her - a key factor of his controlling personality was that she constantly had to prove she loved him, focused on him etc. It meant that she had to tie herself in knots to prove that going to the gym, meeting a friend, working late wasn't because she didn't love him and want to be with him. How she greeted him in the mornings or when she got in was a huge issue - she could come in with bags of shopping, and a sick child after working for 12 hours and he'd sulk if she didn't greet hi with a huge smile, a hug and a kiss. And social media posting was another "test" for her - "why didn't you post about me on fathers day? Don't you love me? Do you think I'm a shit dad?"

In HIS case, I realise now, he was posting those things as part of his cycle of abuse. So he'd call her names, send her a stream of abusive messages and then she'd be completely blindsided by a Facebook post in which he talked about gorgeous she is and how she's made his life so much better. Complete mind fuck.

I don't say it online (other than lovey dovey Valentines or birthday posts) but I will talk about my happy life til the cows come home! I love to big up my husband but that's because he is the most amazing guy ever. The only way I could wish he was better would be if he was a millionaire too.

That said, I do think that half the influencer type crap you see online is absolute horse shit.

We don't even follow each other on SM! I think he has a Facebook account, but I don't use Facebook.
I have different channels that I use, but he never goes on SM, and pretty much despises it.
We have been married a long time - we don't need to share anything with the rest of the world.

It is the same with all the celeb phot spreads in magazines and newspapers, all loved up and playing the perfect couple/family then 2 weeks later they have split, he's a cheat and she is telling us he was the worst ever.

Yep, we’re friends with another family that constantly post happy selfies of the two of them or the kids posing. Tag everywhere they ever go on FB, every meal they eat out and day trips or holidays require multiple posts per visit. If you didn’t know them well you’d think their lives were perfect.
They are always screaming and shouting at each other in real life. All really highly strung and not very happy.
It’s strange they feel the need to portray themselves as living this idyllic life.

At least on FB you know the identity of the person/couple and therefore have an idea of if they are full of BS .
On Mumsnet I am very cynical about those who brag about how wonderful their relationship is / how wealthy they are / the exotic holidays they go on etc . It could all be lies . Who would know ?

I don't know anyone who does this tbh. But then noone I know seems to post on SM anymore. Plenty of them are in toxic relationships though!

Themselves.