Can messy, scruffy people change?

[Shuffleshoop]

I've been wondering if it's possible to change if you've always been messy and scruffy? I feel really embarrassed and ashamed about having a messy, scruffy house and always looking a state. I do try but it doesn't seem to get me anywhere. I wonder if it's just my nature so not something I can change? If you've managed to change from a messy scruff to being neat and tidy how did you do it? Are some things innate or can scruffs change?

I already make a considerable effort. It just doesn't get me anywhere! At best my home is manageable and I'm presentable, but never clean, tidy, shiny or neat. I'm wondering if it's just not obtainable for some people and I should accept my limitations, or if it is obtainable then how?

It's not attainable to everyone no.

That’s helpful 🙄

It’s a bit of both. I’m naturally scruffy but I have to be quite polished for work, so I try to do it in the simplest way possible. I get a decent haircut and wear minimal ‘barely there’ make up. I decided to build a ‘work’ wardrobe and now almost everything is black, navy, cream, white, or beige, including shoes and bag. Not particularly inspiring, but apart from black/navy, everything goes with everything else. I choose fabrics that don’t need too much ironing. I keep my nails clean and trimmed but I hate wearing nail polish so I don’t bother with that. I keep jewellery simple - a gold and pearl pendant or a silver necklace. Plain pearl studs that go with everything.

House - I went through a phase a few months ago of getting rid of 10 things a day. It was amazing - really powerful, and it cleared a lot of space. Finding 10 things a day you want to get rid of takes no time at all and after a few weeks your house suddenly looks a lot clearer and less cluttered.

I wouldn’t say I look polished to within an inch of my life, but I do look tidy and put together most of the time.

Manageable and presentable is fine.

You'd be better served putting your energy into accepting yourself. Give yourself a break.

People aren't better than you because they're better turned out/their houses are tidier.

Obviously, if it's a health risk that's different, but just being a bit scruffy is fine! Don't let the people who hold all their self esteem in clothes/hair/make-up/house cleaning get to you. They're no better and no happier than you are.

Of course it's attainable.
Get rid of clutter first then it's easier.
If you have other people living in your house, they need to pull their weight too.

I'm a naturally messy and disorganised person but I ensure the kitchen, living room and hallway are tidy and clean every evening.

Do mini decluttering sessions once a week like a random drawer or shelf.

If you're thinking of an Instagram show home kind of scenario and you have kids at home, then that might be a bit unrealistic.

Because it’s true. Hate to be the one who raises it, but many people who have undiagnosed/unrecognised neurodiversity (especially ADHD) often have executive dysfunction. This means ‘boring’ tasks like being tidy and organised never take priority as frustrating as it is for the person. It’s not an active choice, not something they can ‘get on with’. It’s not something that can be fixed that easily, adhd medication can work for some, for others it takes an exhausting amount of effort to meet acceptable standards.

What makes you scruffy?
The clothes are tatty? Unironed? Badly fitted? Badly matched?

You can buy better quality clothes even second hand, make a point to iron, get style tips etc to dress nicer.
How often do you shower, what do you do with your hair?
Again it's about making time to comb and at least tie it up or get it cut nicely so it doesn't need putting up.

House etc, it's usually about storage. Do you have too much stuff for your space? Do you need more storage? Do you have kids and it's their toys?
A box for your mail, buckets for kids toys, never leave a room empty handed etc.

But it's time and mindlefullness. You have to constantly remind yourself to do it until it becomes a habit

What I will concede is that it's harder for some of us to remember and it takes longer to make it a habit for some of us. I fight the messy house battle every day

Look at the organised mum method group on Facebook. It’s very inspiring with lots of success stories of people who’ve got their houses in order including those with ASC, ADHD, severe depression and chronic physical conditions like arthritis and fibromyalgia. (I’m not saying that any of those things apply to you btw- just trying to explain how people with all kinds of starting points use the method to improve their homes and by default their mental health and confidence.)

Look objectively at your home. Is your furniture shabby? Do your walls need painting or cleaning? Curtains/blinds and flooring?

I was very messy in my youth. Then I got a flat mate who was really tidy and it shamed me into pulling my finger out. She never said anything; she’d just quietly tidy away the coffee cups I’d left lying around, and I’d often come home from work to find her cleaning the kitchen and it made me feel horribly guilty.

Once I’d got into the habit of tidying up as I went along, it stayed with me. And when I got a place of my own, I enjoyed keeping it looking nice.

Now I’m married to someone who leaves his shit everywhere and it does my head in.

My dh comes from a messy and scruffy (but professionally very successful) family.

it’s been quite a slog over the years tbh, he just doesn’t get my desire to be “house proud” and never will. He has definitely got better and tolerant of my way of doing things. And will tidy when asked. Our house is way tidier than any of his family’s, which is now a bit of a family joke (which I don’t find funny). He has his own study which is a total state but I tolerate that if he’s reasonable elsewhere in the house which Tbf he mostly is. He will never see things as I do though.

I am the sort of person who will always find a loose thread or a little mascara smudged. That's innate. But it takes sustained effort to look nice. Making time to go to the shops and buy new clothes that work together, looking online for make up tutorials and practicing them, finding the right clothes for your body shape and make up for your skin type etc.

You cant just go shopping once and buy things you like and expect to look good forever.

Start by recycling things that cant be fixed or are too faded or donating things you dont actually like or find flattering. I just donated a load of stuff I loved wearing but was wholly unflattering.

You can look nice but you do need to approach it as a project and have a massive clear out, make a plan on what you want e.g 3 nice jeans (mom fit in pale wash, black skinny jeans, dark wash flares) 5 work tops, 5 pairs of shoes (flip flops, trainers, boots, walking shoes, work heels) etc. What do you have that fits that list? Will it work together? Do you still need office wear? Do you need more office wear and less casual clothes?

A house can be too neat and tidy.

My grandma was like that. She'd take your drink away to wash up almost before you had finished it. Nothing out - no ornaments no books no nothing.

It was very uncomfortable.

I aim for manageable and presentable. Show home is too much work for me.

Don’t be so hard on yourself OP. I’ve been the same way for years, and dealt with a lot of embarrassment and shame about it.

Over the past year, I’ve realised I very likely have undiagnosed ADHD and this plays a massive part in why I find it so hard. Just accepting this has made things easier as I don’t feel lazy and useless anymore, and I’ve been able to make positive changes. I moved house and at the same time did a massive declutterring - mainly clothes as this is where I struggle the most. Also, having a dishwasher has made things much easier for me, and washing up was something I often let get out of hand - now that one area is tidier, I feel more like I can keep up with other things.
Try to set small goals that become habits, and don’t expect to have a sparkling home in the space of a week - it takes a really long time to make proper changes.

Noone house or wardrobe is accidentally tidy. It takes sustained effort.

I'm naturally lazy and love watching tv but also a massive fidget so I put on my bluetooth headphones and a comfortable old show or a podcast and clean. I dont mind the cleaning as long as I can listen to stuff. Work with yourself.

Can you elaborate?

De clutter
Stop Buying things
Deep Clean
Create systems that work for you-

Do you come in and fling your keys down and work bag in the hall? Get a dish on a table for your keys and a hook for your bag in the hallway.

Lay clothes out the night before and make up lunches.

And the biggest game changer for me-

don't put it down, put it away

I'm chronically messy and scruffy, no matter how hard I try not to be. I genuinely don't understand how people with normal lives and without paid staff find the time to be anything else really. I do my best to keep on top of things, but there are only so many hours in the day. I think I've got some sort of executive dysfunction though.

We need more context , OP.

Do you live alone , or with kids / partner? If the latter, it's not all down to you.

Are you comparing yourself to someone who has a completely different life to you. For example, we know a family with a really tidy house. The house is empty while they are at work. They have no clutter as the moved to the UK as adults with very few belongings.
Same with comparing to social media.

As long as you and your house isn't dirty.

Some people are inherently more untidy than others. I'm pretty untidy. I'm also the type that will look at the crumbs on the floor and think, oh, the hoover should come out..TOMORROW. Which never comes..Well, it does but not as often as I'd like. Some people are very ordered and tidy, they need things like that to be able to concentrate. For me I tend to generate quite a bit of mess when working, cooking, trying to fix something etc.
As long as you are not causing a health hazard, living in dangerous surroundings, fully neglecting cleaning/ hygiene, then just do your best.
There's a lot more to life than having an immaculate home and looking like a catalogue model. No-one is perfect. 'Perfect' is imperfect anyway!

Yes, absolutely possible to change things, though I accept I'm never going to have a house out of an IKEA catalogue - because my life is not a photoshoot.

Start small, and work upwards, consistent small changes work better than huge one off ones. Getting into a habit of decluttering is a good one.

Be mindful whether what you are asking of yourself is realistic though - sometimes living spaces are large and overwhelming, sometimes we have too much stuff and too many people in it, sometimes decision making is just too hard, sometimes just washing your hair is too bloody tiring - so do keep checking back in with people.

Things change :)

Do you need to focus your efforts elsewhere for a while? As an example, if you always spend 1 hour a week cleaning bathrooms and floors, you'll never clean the oven. So spend the hour cleaning the oven and another deep clean job and live with a messier bathroom for a week longer. Offset it by using the toilet brush daily or keeping a cloth next to the sink to wipe it down and avoid toothpaste stains.

I really struggle with this. It doesn't come naturally to me and most things I've tried don't work sustainably.

I am diagnosed with ADHD (non hyperactive) I didn't know this was a thing. Medication for this and understanding my brain processes help. For example I know that I struggle to form and maintain habits but I've been able to stop beating myself up for this and work around it.

The other thing that has helped is a podcast called A Slob Comes Clean. She seems to have the same issue as me with cleaning and tidying. It seems from listening to her podcast which documents her process of finding out what worked for her, that people who tend towards naturally messy have a few things in common that we tend to overlook, or false beliefs, or common behaviours that get in the way of us following the typical advice that is always given to stay clean and tidy eg do a little bit every day, never leave a room empty handed, follow a routine, clear out areas by pulling everything out, get rid of all your stuff etc.

I have tried to follow systems like the organised mum and I get behind on them and then it's overwhelming. Slob lady is the only one that's actually worked for me. Even then it's not perfect but I do know from her systems what I need to do to get it to a more manageable place again.