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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To stop being friends with this man

24 replies

leicstersbiggestfan · 26/02/2024 07:40

Been close, platonic friends with a man for 4 years. We really were one another's support and confidant throughout those years

Recently he started to suggest he had feelings for me. He started to compliment my looks a lot, made jokes about us kissing, told me how much I meant to him. Even used the word love several time.

I always told him I had nothing except platonic feelings for him.

Recently something changed for me (not sure what) and the next time he joked about kissing me, I agreed. I wasn't coerced in anyway. I was glad he asked.

The kiss was great and in the few days after, we talked about how much we liked each other and couldn't wait to do it again.

Then I told him that he had to be aware that I'd never get into a friends with benefits situation with him. If we carried on and it progressed to more kissing and sex, it would have to be in the context of us seeing if we might want to date.

I thought he'd jump at the chance, given everything he's said over the last few months, but he shut it down immediately and said he could never see himself dating me and he thought our friendship was "too precious to risk it".

I was utterly appalled. Seems to me he was just trying to get in my pants. He swears that wasn't the case but I can't muster any enthusiasm for chatting to him any more.

I can make head nor tail of his thought process (apart from the aforementioned pants-getting-in). He said he wanted to kiss me "in a friend way" which makes absolutely no sense at all.

He's been a dear friend for years so it's sad, but I can't see him in the same way anymore.

OP posts:

Fimofriend · 26/02/2024 07:59

He definitely thought he could get you to agree to a FWB setup. He just told you that you are not good enough for him to date but he'll "let you" scratch his itch.
FWB might have been his intention from the start.

C1N1C · 26/02/2024 08:07

I'm puzzled by this one. Most guys would pretend to want a relationship just so they could get sex... but he's basically shot himself in the foot by admitting that that's not for him, suggesting he values the friendship.

It's off the table now as you've said, so I guess the real question is, has it crossed into that awkward territory where you just want to give up on him completely?

Original poster

leicstersbiggestfan · 26/02/2024 08:12

C1N1C · 26/02/2024 08:07

It's off the table now as you've said, so I guess the real question is, has it crossed into that awkward territory where you just want to give up on him completely?

I'm puzzled too. I can't make any sense of it. And yes, I've lost all enthusiasm for the friendship now.

OP posts:

Stickyricepudding · 26/02/2024 08:15

Block and move on and don't give him another thought.

Cinai · 26/02/2024 08:21

Well, a redeeming quality here might be that he told you before you had sex what he wants, which is FWB. But if you’re not up for continuing the friendship, just let him know…otherwise, if it was a good friendship with mutual respect, then maybe you both can just agree that you’re on different pages regarding the physical side of it, and move back to platonic?

user1471517900 · 26/02/2024 08:29

So he just wants to get in your pants....and his move is to avoid sleeping with you so you can stay friends.

If that's the case, he's really bad at this game.

susiedaisy1912 · 26/02/2024 08:34

He scored a bit of a home goal there. He's not going to get any sex and has probably lost your friendship as well.

SaveMeTheLabelOfThatPerfumeOnTheTable · 26/02/2024 08:38

Cinai · 26/02/2024 08:21

This.Tbh, I've had a few fwb situations and this is pretty much how they've started - good friends where sex has been added in after mutual.agreement.At the time, it was because I didn't want a relationship for various reasons. I have no idea if they'd have preferred a relationship because I didn't want one and it never came up!I did suggest it to a friend a few years ago who turned me down because he prefers sex in a relationship. That's fine. We're still friends.Fwb is fine if its what you want. It's also fine if you don't. It's OK to stay friends if one wants the benefits and the other doesn't (unless they become persistent of course) and it's fine to not want to be friends anymore too.

ZenNudist · 26/02/2024 08:42

It doesn't sound like he's just wants sex. It sounds like he could have a performance issue ED or similar. Why would he be friends for 4 years, broach the idea of kissing then back off when you say you don't want a casual thing with him.

It's either that or he's commitment phobic.

Anyway 4 years isn't long. Avoid him. If he contacts you just tell him he's totally confused you. Don't block as such but definitely don't contact him. Make new friends you don't need this lukewarm nonsense.

fourelementary · 26/02/2024 08:56

Tbh I don’t think either of you have done anything wrong. I think he maybe thought he could have more feelings for you than friendship but when it actually progressed he maybe realised that wasn’t the case and that friendship was the better option. Maybe just take a wee break and let things reset and see how you feel. No one did anything wrong though so I wouldn’t fall out about it.

Takenoprisoner · 26/02/2024 08:59

What an utter plonker. Are there seriously no decent men left with an ounce of integrity? sorry your friend turned out to be such a disappointment op.

rwalker · 26/02/2024 09:03

I think the reality of loose your friendship hit home

unfortunately that has happened now

if he was just after a shag I would of thought the easiest thing in the world would be just to lie

I think fantasy v reality has kicked in

Kitkatcatflap · 26/02/2024 09:08

Some men's vanity never ceases to amaze me. Of course he wanted a FWB relationship. What an idiot he is. Does he really think the genie can be squeezed back into the bottle and the two of you can go on as before - of course not. I don't blame you for backing away - he is flakey.

Lucythecleaner · 26/02/2024 09:12

He liked the challenge. I can't stand men that treat women... especially a woman that was a friend like that.

nc42day · 26/02/2024 09:15

I'd say he'd convinced himself that you were gagging for him, and the fact that you're not put him on the back foot.

There's always a risk to a friendship when it crosses over the line from platonic and here's an example. I'd agree, he's not very good at the "getting in your pants" bit, at all, if you've lost respect for him for whatever reason and you don't feel like continuing a friendship, then don't.

I've got a couple of longstanding male friends where there has been some blurring of lines historically, but we have retained the friendship, but it's not always doable when feelings are involved.

user1471517900 · 26/02/2024 09:40

So he wanted more than you did (which means he just wanted in your pants). Then you changed and wanted more than he did....and he told you this before any sex.....and he's still the bad guy here.

I'm not too sure what he's really done wrong here. Other than not wanting a relationship with the OP, which until recently, she didn't want either.

LauritaEvita · 26/02/2024 09:40

Yeah you’ll have to draw a line under it now and say goodbye to the friendship.

BobbyBiscuits · 26/02/2024 09:47

If he wanted sex then surely he would say all the things you seemingly wanted to hear in order to as you say, get in your pants. Could it be he genuinely likes you as a friend and though he liked the kiss, didn't want to go further romantically with you? He's saying he values the friendship.
If it's a case of you now fancy him, and want a monogamous relationship with him, but he feels different- then surely it's a shame to discontinue the friendship. But I guess if you feel the goal pots have changed then it's your choice. To me his reaction doesn't scream 'I want FWB/ casual sex.'

queenMab99 · 26/02/2024 09:48

It is up to you, if you want to continue the friendship or not, but I have to say, you have handled the situation perfectly. You have stated what you would want clearly, instead of just assuming he wanted to have a dating sort of relationship, which has allowed him to be truthful.

SaveMeTheLabelOfThatPerfumeOnTheTable · 26/02/2024 09:52

queenMab99 · 26/02/2024 09:48

This.

There are no assumptions on either part.

Midnightrunners · 26/02/2024 09:53

If all he wanted was to get into your knickers then he would have played along with you and end it when things started to get heavy. But he didn't so either this never happened or something else is at play. Maybe he fancies you but just doesn't want to get into a " full-on, meet your parents", relationship. And there can be many reasons for that.

Personally I wouldn't end. I'd try and get to the bottom of it ( no pun intended ) but I'm not you.

5128gap · 26/02/2024 10:02

Its not that complicated really. He doesn't want to be in a relationship with you, for what could be one of many reasons from not wanting a relationship at all, to thinking you wouldn't work as a couple, to having something specific in mind for a life partner that he feels isn't there.
He does however fancy you, and thinks it would be a nice enhancement to your friendship to make that sexual. Some people would be fine with that, you are not, so its best for you to take all sexual behaviour off the table, and then decide if you want to try to recapture your old friendship.
Personally i think it will be difficult as he probably wont give up trying to move in that direction now he knows you are attracted to him.
All his compliments and innuendo have been to try and move in this direction. He was probably spurred on to greater effort by you saying you didn't fancy him, as his ego wanted to change your mind, so its likely he will resume this if you carry on as friends.

pantherpanther · 26/02/2024 10:11

I had this with a friend. I think he wanted to know I fancied him but then said we couldn’t have a relationship… it wasn’t because he didn’t like me it was just because he didn’t think he was good at relationships and had low self esteem. Still made him a bad bet in that area but it wasn’t due to him being a typical ‘man’ about it.

moderate · 26/02/2024 10:23

Maybe he has had a previous experience with a friendship turning romantic, that didn't work out and he wished he still had the friendship.

Now he has had the experience of the opposite problem -- trying to stay friends and that not working out either.

Maybe he'll strike the right balance next time.

Sounds like he didn't communicate well, if he was talking about love. Still, when you communicated clearly with him, he didn't try to string you along. To me that would be worth something.

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