To feel like I wasted my time?

[Socialq]

I’m feeling quite lonely and disconnected. Always felt like this tbh. I’ve tried reaching out to more people rather than my default of waiting for people to include me which never happens. I had the whole week off last week as my kids were off for half term and now going back to work today I have a niggling feeling at the back of my mind that I wasted it by meeting people. I got nothing out of it apart from feeling stressed and overwhelmed and then Over thinking my interactions after. Why do I feel this way? Can anyone else relate? I wish I hadn’t made so many plans, btw it was just coffee etc, nothing that took the entire day just 1-2 hours each day but I feel it wasted the week

Why did you ‘get nothing out of it’? What did you want from these coffees that didn’t happen?

@CheerfulBardo i thought it would help me feel better but I feel if anything worse than I would have just sitting home alone with the kids. I did it more for them so they had play dates. They very young do probably don’t even remember!

Perhaps you overdid it. One or two coffees in the week would be plenty for me! Think about what you actually WANT to do with your time, rather than what you think you should be doing with your time. For me, a week off would mean one or two catch up with friends, a trip to the sea alone or with partner/kids, some time mooching round the shops, a couple of trips to the gym for a swim, and catching up with laundry/tidying or DIY if any was needed. My friend would spend her whole time in garden centres or in her garden given half a chance. Meeting someone for coffee, even for an hour, is usually a 2-3 hour activity, between making myself look presentable, Getting there, doing the coffee stuff, and getting home again. That’s half the day gone.

I would've considered a week sat at home with children wasted. If meeting people is too much can you do things with the children they'll enjoy outside of the home?

Are they new friends rather than established friends? I'm just wondering if the overthinking on your interactions with them is because they are new friends and once they have become established friends you will feel more comfortable with them. And this has just been like an investment in the friendships rather than them being that enjoyable in the present.

Would you have preferred doing something else with them like doing an activity that you enjoy with them rather than the sole purpose to chat?

I wish more emphasis was placed on enjoying your own company, rather than needing to spend time with others .

Remember, your time is also important.

Would you have done the same activities if you hadn't been meeting others? If nor, is the confidence to do things alone the barrier?

I think you're spending your time with the wrong people. When my children were small I spent a lot of time with people who had children who were the same age and it was very draining

I think you need to centre yourself. What would you like to do with the children? What types of activities spread over a week? What wouldn’t have felt like a ‘waste’? You say you socialised for the sake of your children having play dates — but their friends’ parents don’t need to be your friends. Can you invite their friends over without their parents?

A chat with a stressed mum when you're both looking after small children is not usually going to be a great chance for a connection. I appreciate that this was disappointing but don't let this put you off from reaching out. I would also guess that your dc did benefit from it.

Maybe think about something that might allow more connection. Maybe joining a choir or meeting an old friend for dinner or going to yoga or something. I hope you feel better over the coming weeks.

Yes they’re new friends. Only just really met them in September. I feel everyone else in the school is already making friends and having connections so I felt left out and felt I should also do the same

I personally have no interest in meeting up with my kids school friends and parents for play dates. This is a newish thing that we certainly didn’t have when we were kids.

Once my kids are old enough to start asking for this themselves, then of course I’ll go along with it but, for now, I just do the things with them I enjoyed as a kid- pottering about in the neighbourhood, stopping to chat to our neighbours, popping in on my parents, going to a book shop, having their cousins round.

I’m sure some parents in my kids class have already chummed up but I just assume that they’re all well suited and are the type enjoy coffee/ soft play dates with children- happy for them and certainly don’t feel me or my kids are missing out.