This has been bugging me for ages....

[purpleduck]

I don't think I am being unreasonable, but this is the story:

My bro and SIL split up about 2and a half years ago. He had lots of trouble with depression, mood swings, could really be miserable.

She was unfaithful.

I don't agree with being unfaithful, but my brother can be Very Hard Work.

Anyhoo

Last summer when I went back to Canada (i get home maybe every 2/3 years) I visited my SIL.

My brother is seriously ticked at me, and won't return my calls.

He ignored me for all of my stay in Canada (except the first time I saw him, which was BEFORE I visited SIL).

There is alot more to the story, but I don't think I am being unreasonable to still see SIL. She is my children's AUNT, and a damn good one. On their B-days, SHE is the one that remembers.

So, what do you lot think??

fuck him

I think it is HIS problem NOT yours, good luck

i mean - ignore him. that last post was a little ambiguous...

yanbu, you're being the sensible one trying to stay neutral. Why should your children lose their aunt?

Oh this is a tough one. He is being quite unreasonable but he obviously feels that you are being disloyal to him. I would probably concede to him that you were wrong and that you didn't realise that he would be so upset. I think if he is fragile you probably should support him tbh.

Is she still the children's aunt if they have split up?

i think you did right thing

Message withdrawn

YANBU.

I am still in touch with my own ex husband's siblings!

Wow so little compassion. Being very hard work and depressed isn't an excuse for being unfaithful, and although it is 2.5 years later he is still upset. Glad none of you guys are my siblings.

true i suppose.

Sorry , but I can see why your brother is upset , He is your family - for whatever reason she is not anymore . He is entitled to think that he can expect some loyalty from his own family ... when people are upset and vulnerable from whatever life throws at them it is back to the safe shell of their family they return...
I wouldn`t have visited without checking if it was ok - occasionally it works out that all parties are happy with all contact - but IME that is rarely the case.............

Actually I've just tried to purt myself in the op's brother's place and if I was him I'd be so hurt that she still saw my ex, so although I put earlier that you are not bu, actually it might be best it you didn't see her, he's your brother after all.

Just read that back....can anyone make sense of it!!! I know what I mean, does anyone else? Sorry!

Carmenare -there are 5 of us all together, and the thing is, we all WERE very compassionate. We all talked on the phone endlessly, my sister (who lives 10 mins from him) was always having him around and generally Being There For Him.

The thing is, he never even asks how we are, how our dc's are (my sister has a severly autistic ds, and my other brother's daughter had a very scary seizure which she had never had before), and my brother doesn't seem to care.

He has been neglecting his own dc's (my neice is 9, and she has said that she is on her own til sometimes 10.00 when she is at my bother's house, while he is at the BAR!!)

I feel very that I have lost my brother. Not only because he won't talk to me, but because he is still so ANGRY, and won't do anything to help himself.

At the time I visted my SIL, she had offered to have my dc's while I went to my best friend's wedding. TBH, I was thinking only of my dc's. My (ex) SIL is totally a Kid Person - I knew they would have fun. Plus it was SIL's turn to have her kids, and I wanted my children to spend time with their cousins.

We all have tried very hard with him, but we just can't do anything for him.

Urban - you seriously did not have to clear up the "fuck him" comment...ewwww!

Ok well seeing as your dc's cousins were there and ex Sil was looking after them for you his reaction might be ott. I didn't realise that he had children(poor things). He sounds really fucked up, he should be getting over it and obviously is struggling, perhaps an email to him might clear the air?

BTW, I do get why he would be upset. I do. BUT, I had 2 aunts and uncles that divorced when I was younger, and I never saw them again. I remember as a child that I had no idea who was "properly related". I don't want that to happen to my kids.

And now the situation is just getting worse, as my bro won't speak to any of us, so if we want to have contact with our neice and nephew, it HAS to be through SIL.

Why ignore her just because she has split with your db..?!

If you had a good relationship with her prior to the spilt and things are still ok between you two then why not..!!

It must be hard for your brother BUT he needs to grow up and realise that life goes on and not be so childish about you seeing his ex.
YANBU. X

I have tried to call him lots, just to say that I don't want our relationship to be like this. We were always close, and this feels like a "one strike and you're out" kind of a thing.