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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be frustrated with how husband communicates with me

10 replies

ohnowhatdidido · 26/02/2024 01:19

Baby DC is unwell. I was giving her a bottle of milk and cuddling and trying to get her to stop crying so I asked if DH would call 111.

DH called 111 but was having the conversation in the hallway but I wanted him to come into the room we were in so I could also ask 111 the questions I had.

After the phonecall, this was the exchange between me and husband.

Husband: you know how you asked me to come in the room so you could hear the call.. I don't do that to you because I trust you." (Lately we've been on a lot of calls with doctors and 111 and medical people regarding DC)
Me: I didn't ask you to come in because I don't trust you, I asked you to come in because I wanted to ask a question
Husband: Ok well I would like to hear what's on these calls too
Me: that's totally fine but you've also never communicated that, so how am I supposed to know
Husband: I'm just scared to ask you in case you have a go at me
Me: why are you putting this on me?
Husband: I'm not putting this on you, it's my fault, it's my fear

And just as background, any medical calls about DC we relay the info back to each other. And usually I will leave the room if DC is being too loud or crying to hear the person on the phone or if she's falling asleep or something in order to avoid disturbing her. There is no reason for H to feel like I don't relay information to him.

Edit: This was an example of tonight, but this is how he speaks in general

OP posts:

TheSlantedOwl · 26/02/2024 01:31

You both sound very stressed and worried about your baby DC, understandably, and from what you’ve written that’s all that comes across. Maybe there’s more to it but neither of you sound unreasonable from your account.

Hope your DC feels better soon.

NoOrdinaryMorning · 26/02/2024 01:37

Sounds like you're in some kind of perceived but unspoken of 'parenting competition' with each other. Been there! No good can come of it.
Talk more

Garlickit · 26/02/2024 01:47

OK, I agree it's understandable that you're both anxious and probably sleep-deprived, which doesn't tend to make for measured and considerate conversation.

What does this mean?
Husband: I'm just scared to ask you in case you have a go at me
Me: why are you putting this on me?
Husband: I'm not putting this on you, it's my fault, it's my fear.

H seems to be saying you jump down his throat when he tried to include himself in the medical calls. Then suggests that it's an irrational fear of his?

I'd love to know more about this and whether it's a feature of your life together.
If you do push him away or if he merely fears you will (why?), it sounds like voluntarily including him could ease this particular situation, allowing you both to feel more like you're working together to get your baby the right care.

I hope you've all had an easier night.

Picklestop · 26/02/2024 01:50

I don’t think he did anything wrong. You asked him to do something and then it seems like you don’t trust him to do it properly. If you want to ask a question then make the call yourself.

KnowledgeableMomma · 26/02/2024 02:02

You both could have finished this argument before it started by just having every call on speakerphone so you both can hear.

I would have a very hard time trying to have a conversation with someone on the phone WHILST simultaneously having my partner ask questions to relay. If there was something you had to ask, switch baby to partner and have your turn on the phone.

I don't think he has done anything wrong. He was open in telling you how he feels. And both of you could have some better phone etiquette you agree upon before the next phone call.

HoHoHoliday · 26/02/2024 02:22

He made the call in a different room while you had the baby, you were annoyed because you wanted to ask a question yourself. Couldn't you have told him your question before he left the room? Or didn't you trust him to ask the relevant questions perhaps?
It seems the set up is the same reversed. If he has the baby you leave the room to make a call and he doesn't get to have his say but he's pointed out that he trusts you to lead the call.

"Husband: I'm just scared to ask you in case you have a go at me
Me: why are you putting this on me?"
This part of the exchange is worrying. Do you snap at him often like this?

I hope your baby gets well very soon!
Once the baby is sorted perhaps some relationship counselling would be useful to help you both understand each other's communication styles and find common ground.

Niknakk · 26/02/2024 08:10

Surely he made the call out the way because the baby was crying? Why couldn't you just say to him please ask them this question?

Catza · 26/02/2024 08:16

Your husbands communication is absolutely fine. He brought up an issue in a non-confrontational way, he told you he was concerned about you having a go at him and you…. immediately had a go at him. He then tried to placate you by saying it’s his own issue.

crumblingschools · 26/02/2024 08:24

If your DC is particularly poorly are you just both stressed?

ntmdino · 26/02/2024 08:34

OK, reading between the lines, his "I want to hear what's on these calls too" suggests that when you're the one calling, you exclude him. The "I feel like you don't trust me" part suggests that you often take over. Do you often find yourself saying, "FFS, I'll do it myself..."?

If those things ring true for you, then he's just trying to be a part of the parenting process, and you're the barrier. The rest of the conversation is just an illustration of that, as other commenters have mentioned.

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