To leave class parents hanging?

[anxioussister]

i recognise that, in the scheme of things, this is a very first world drama. But I feel horrible…

My youngest started a new school this year - a school with a very active PTA. There are a number of parent fundraising events over the course of the year including a ‘spring ball’

The tables have to be purchased in groups of twelve. So there’s a bit of a bustle with organised parents putting tables together. I have a relatively relaxed life schedule now my children are all at school - and have been able to invest time getting to know other parents - and so have been included in a table for said event - tickets went on sale last week and sold out.

There was one other new girl in my daughter’s class this year (joining in year 2 so non-standard entry - the playground ecosystem very firmly established already -
it’s been a wild ride). I like fellow new girl, and her parents, very much. They have more complicated lives than I do and so have invested significantly less time in getting to know other classmates families etc

These other new parents have sent me a message privately + put a message on the class ‘WhatsApp group’ - asking if anyone is going + if we’d like to try and put a table together with them.

I feel like a HORRIBLE MEAN GIRL leaving it hanging. I also feel like a horrible mean girl saying ‘tickets are sold out already because everyone already organised themselves and didn’t include you’

I feel disloyal because we were ‘new together’ at the start of the year.

YABU - just leave it hanging like everyone else has (I feel like that’s horrible, I don’t actually think I can)

YANBU - send them a message saying ‘tables already got snapped up by organised old hands + DH and I happened to get included on someone else’s - let’s plan to do the next event together‘

I can’t work out whether I’m getting out of my lane by saying something or playing mean girl politics by not.

“We’re going! Already on a table though, apologies but v happy for some friendly competition :)”

What do you mean competition?

Don't leave them hanging, send the message to let them know tickets got snapped up and you were lucky to be included. Maybe suggest that if anyone drops out people should let them know. And if you do get on with them and you're happy to them make sure you include them next time. It can be tough to break into established groups and if they're left hanging on this one, may feel awkward about trying to join in more.

The above suggestion is good, and then depending on the closeness of the friendship I might also reply privately saying ‘Hey, I’m sorry I didn’t think to ask if you wanted to get a table together - XX asked if so wanted to be on her table and I didn’t think about it - let’s try and sort a table together next time’

Oh sorry, i thought it was a quiz night. Ok then, as above but ending “v happy to see you on the dancefloor!”

Just be friendly and stay out of any drama, basically.

"Ah; so sorry, X put us on their table for the ball! We'll see you there! We can plan for same table at the next one together though?"

Wouldn't mention re: tix, that's not really your lookout unless you're the sole seller of tickets or in charge of allocating etc.

Ah got you. Yes good idea

If its sold out there isn't much you can do. I would message her privately rather than on group if worried about embarrassing her to say 'I'm really sorry, we have a class table but it's full, but if anyone drops out would you be interested'. With that age group there is always someone who can't make it because their babysitter/child got sick

Thank you all for your wisdom + sanity - I’ll send a paraphrased version of this

I see no issue in sending a message just to say it's a popular event and tickets already gone (and that you were lucky enough to be included on another table) but some of your post doesn't read nicely.

What is this all about?

"have been able to invest time getting to know other parents"

• *"the playground ecosystem very firmly established already - it’s been a wild ride)"

"They have more complicated lives than I do and so have invested significantly less time in getting to know other classmates families etc"

Sounds like you're making excuses about excluding this fellow new parent which is incredibly unkind.

concerned accessible MN wisdom is atrophying my ability to make my own sane decisions… thank you all for keeping me on the straight and narrow

You’re making this a much bigger deal than it needs to be, just message to say “We’ve already been asked to join another table but hopefully see you there if you go!” All the detail about eco systems and complicated lives is irrelevant.

I can see how it might read that way. What I meant was that I have spent more time getting to know other parents and so have been included on someone’s table.

I find them very good company and, if I were the sort of organised person who liked taking charge of group events, they would very much have been people I would have invited.

I still feel relatively new though - and was pleased to be invited to join in with some others plans - so didn’t stop and think about whether it would be leaving people out.

which I regret now.

but have been offered some very solid advice from MNers

Would respond saying you are already going, and you think tickets might be sold out now, but to try contacting X person to see if there have been any held back/be added to waiting list etc, and that you hope they will be able to make it.

Definitely the YANBU one, but maybe leave out "organised old hands" as it might look like you are saying they are disorganised.

Would you offer them your tickets? Or are you really keen on going yourself?

That's the most thoughtful thing to do. Saying we're already sorted would be fine if they could still get tickets - but given it's sold out it would be decent of you to let them know that. And maybe next time there's an event that's likely to sell out quickly let them know.

A simple 'i think it may be already sold out' would do. They will probably be relieved. It's a win win for them. They look like they wanted to support the PTA but they don't have to socialize with strangers for the night.

Don't ignore them, that's just unkind and I'm not sure why you'd even consider it.

Just be honest, why wouldn't you be?

The PTA shouldn't be running events that can't accommodate every child in the school. Tickets for school events should always be available to all.

As far as messaging them goes, of course you need to speak up. The fact that other parents in the group haven't when they know full well the tickets have gone shows them for the Mean Girls they are. It's sad and genuinely pathetic.

PM them and tell them as far as you're aware the tickets have sold out. Just say you were in the right place at the right time to snatch one, or something. I wouldn't say you were 'lucky enough to be included' - it's yet more cliquey bollox.

Christ, imagine a school where parents have to kiss arse with the popular Mums to get their kids into a school disco 🙄

It is a bit cr*p the PTA is organising events with such limited tickets - but I guess it’s hard to book an event with an open number of spaces.

It is a parents only evening event - not something children are being left out of - although the more I think about the whole thing the less I want to go!

Go & have fun - it's not for you to sort other parents. This is totally not a stressful situation. Just reply & be honest - you're already going but could let them know if your table has any drop outs or you could organise a table together next year.

Surely someone is bound to drop out due to child illness etc. The organisers should PM them and let them know that it's sold out but they'll put them on the waiting-list in case of any drop-outs. They may already have done so.

If I were the organisers, I would have put a message on the group chat saying "Name, I'll PM you privately" so they're not left hanging and the other parents know it's being dealt with. But clearly not for you to do.

A similar thing happened to me when I was new to a school. There was a quiz night and people that I thought were friends organised a table without me and then the tickets sold out. I didn’t realise that there would be limited numbers but didn’t feel “established” enough to organise my own table.

Honestly it felt pretty crap and I felt very unwelcome.

I’ve made friends with lots of other people since but not this group, I’ve kept them at arms length and have always made sure that I’ve included new people in events.

I hate events like this for that very reason. People just don’t fit into neat groups of 12 and somebody always ends up being left out ☹️