Neighbour creeping me out a bit

[Herecomestherainagainandagain]

I don’t know if I’m just being a bit uptight and mean.

Lady over the road from us, friendly and comes across as kind. She’s lived there for a few years, her husband sadly passed away a couple of years ago, she seems to have a much younger boyfriend staying with her recently. She is or was when husband was alive, a Mormon.
She loves dogs and started by coming over to our gate and feeding our dog biscuits when she ran to the gate, it really annoyed Dh at first as Ddog would cry and bark at the window every time she comes out of the house (still does) and he said others shouldn’t feed your dog. He did mention it to her a couple of times, but she basically ignored it and carried on doing it
She now is similar with Dd, 5, who runs to the gate with Ddog and chats to the neighbour. She had bought her Christmas presents in the past, which is very sweet. The last year though, she often buys her random presents for no reason, sometimes lots of chocolates and most days sweets of some sort. It’s starting to annoy me tbh, she never checks with me first, would this annoy you?
I might be being paranoid, but I saw her looking out of the window when I was getting Dd in the car for ballet the other day and then she came out to her car. It’s happened a few times, usually when I arrive back home with Dd after school, could be a coincidence of course, but the other day it was in the car park by school (it’s a car park for a supermarket down the road from us too) I’ve just noticed her nosying out a lot and feel like my every move with Dd especially, is being observed. She works from home
Would this bother you? I’ve started to feel a bit uneasy

Tell her privately to stop. Perhaps say you are not wanting your daughter to get spoiled, or to think it's OK for anyone to give her stuff or any other socually accepted gentle excuse people use to soften blows iyswim.

then if she carries on you can hand stuff straight back to her in front of your daughter and say no thank you, we've talked about this.

Maybe even say its undermining you or something.

I've had similar in the past (although not malicious in any way) and it's why if I won the lottery I'd buy a house with no-one opposite.

Edit: I just re-read and noticed she works from home. It could be she's waiting for a delivery etc., I know I've been like that when I'm waiting for a delivery van.

YANBU
Something else to talk to her about is that she is putting Dd at risk by making her think it's okay to accept sweets and presents from other adults, not everyone has good intentions.

She's maybe lonely and wants to be nice to a neighbour and likes your little girl? So she looks out to see if you are about? I think you don't like her and are using the sweets as a reason. Just tell her not to give her sweets or say no thanks and hand them back. She doesn't sound particularly creepy to me. Maybe a bit sad and annoying.

I agree with this. It is not up to her to decide what she can and can't do with your pet or child. Tell her firmly to stop in private. And if she doesn't then you do so in front of your daughter.

My children are children are grown up now, but my dog is trained to take nothing from anyone without my permission. I know not all dogs (or children) can be taught that. But apart from anything else it is potentially dangerous to be taking food from strangers, whether you are a dog or a child.

@LadyMacbethssweetArabianhand I do like her and I feel bad in case it is this, which I think it may be, I just started to feel a bit uncomfortable about it recently. She has a good diet, but we occasionally give her chocolate etc too and at parties, I’m not keen on it being from another person also, it’s sweets too, the awful pretend sweet burgers etc, which she never really has. It’s kind, but I personally wouldn’t do that on a regular basis without checking with a parent. The other day it was a teddy with a big pack of Kinder various chocolates, which Dd then wanted to eat of course. It just seems a bit much

@Neriah This is what Dh said about Ddog from the start, she was also piling on weight as it’s biscuits everyday. He made a couple of excuses at first and asked her kindly not to and said our vet said not to have treat biscuits daily etc and she just carried on, but is very friendly and chatty. I don’t want to create bad feeling with her and I’m happy she likes and cares about my Dd, I just wish she’d back off a bit

I don't think anything she's doing is malicious however I'd ask her to stop or cut back on the chocolate and treats. It reads to me like perhaps she's a bit lonely and looks forward to your company? I think she's just trying to be nice but perhaps going about it in the wrong way.

@madeinmanc No, I can see she’s definitely looking at us when we come home/go out, she then comes out to her car as if going out
I feel really bad if she’s lonely, but I’m also fairly introverted and sometimes I just want to come in and out of my house with Dd without being monitored

@holjam I know and it makes me feel guilty, that could be anyone and maybe me one day. We’re v friendly with her and helped after her Dh died. We also get her a small Christmas gift and Dd makes her a card, so it’s lovely having a friendly neighbour and much nicer than an awful one, it just seems a bit much recently and I just had an uncomfortable feeling recently

not creepy, just lonely. I wouldn't refuse the sweets, take them and maybe give them to food bank if you don't want daughter to have them.

She is or was when husband was alive, a Mormon.
What does this have to do with the issue?

I'd be delighted! We have had lovely neighbours give ds sweets and presents over the years. Sweets get put to one side for after dinner.

I'd not allow the dog biscuits though,I've had similar with a someone feeding our cat but that soon stopped when I told them it was really kind but he is on a special diet.

@LocalHobo I’m not sure if it does have anything to do with it, but when her Dh was here, they were very much in our face. He was very cheerful and nice, but since he passed, she’s become quite different. She’s bought herself a convertible car, lost lots of weight, wears make up, different clothes, has a younger partner..just an interesting situation

@MrsPelligrinoPetrichor I think we’re too far gone with the dog biscuits now tbh and it doesn’t bother me as much as it used to. I’ve given up on it now!
I put them away for Dd, but she inevitably pesters for them all day/the next day

I would definitely want to prevent her from giving things to either your daughter or your dog.
I would go and see her and inform her that both your daughter and dog follow a healthy eating plan and you factor in your own treats for them.

I would try not to offend her but I would be very firm with her and if she takes offence I would just live with it.

Her behaviour is overstepping the normal bounds of neighbourliness and I would be wary of her as she must be aware from your husband’s contact with her re. the dog, that you are not overly pleased with her interactions with the dog.- but still she continues.

I'd be cautious about rankling her if she's unhappy and/or a bit obsessive already. If she "turns" on you, you've not just got an obsessive neighbour, you've got a nasty obsessive neighbour. Try to keep her on side.

Maybe be firm about not chatting and interacting when you're coming and going, but keep the route open for cups of tea and chats at more convenient times.

This is annoying me now!

She already gave two of those awful burger sweets on Saturday and gave two more this morning before school!
Its not needed

No it's not.

But clearly this woman is not going to stop unless you make her.
So first of all tell her to stop.
Then if she does it again, hand them back right in front of your child and say I have asked you to stop.

If she refuses to take them back or gives them again at any point after that, then you go straight to your bin while she watches, open the lid, put the sweets in it right in front of her, close the lid, walk in the house.

And accept that means you have to deal with a tantrum from your child and possibly from this woman. Your child will get over it and the tantrum of a neighbour who won't respect your wishes re constant gifts to your child is not something you should give a shit about.

I like the idea of keeping them for the food bank , charity or PTA stall. Your daughter could get a special treat when fill a jar or box.
You could say great put that sweet into the charity box for the poor children or similar ilk!
The neighbour might take the hint.

YANBU - tell her to stop feeding your dog and child more sternly.

YABU for describing her in unnecessary detail - what does it matter that she is a Mormon and has a young boyfriend?
You sound judgmental.

say “oh thanks, but these end up in the bin as I don’t allow my dd to have them. “ then take and put in the bin - everytime. She is not being sweet , she is being manipulative and ignoring the parents in a weird way to reinforce a friendship with your child. This behaviour is odd and needs calling out, you would not accept it if a man did this. I would intercept the sweets and put them in the bin. Don’t let your dd out of your sight when this woman is around, then she can’t give her anything without you seeing. This is not ok.

also just to add - this started with your dog and she was ignoring you, so this is an attack on your and your family, which has escalated to include your child. This woman in my opinion is trying to cause friction in your house.

Edited to add I've just realised this a zombie thread from February!

I hope you got it sorted OP.

This is the best response. And as @IncompleteSenten has said she clearly isn't going to stop unless you make her.

It's wrong for her to do it and for it to continue for all sorts of reasons - your daughter must not be conditioned that this is OK in any way, the taking of sweets from 'strangers' but also the idea that we carry on doing something we feel uncomfortable about 'because it makes the other person happy...' - that's a really bad lesson to teach a child.

Draw a line under it now, the very next time it happens, and rinse and repeat until she gets the message. @Neriah summed it up well too - "it's not up to her to decide what she can and can't do with your dog and your child".

And absolutely No to taking the sweets "for the food bank" that's just deflection and doesn't address the issue on the slightest, bad idea.