To feel like I’m walking on eggshells the whole time with 12 year old ASD daughter 😢

[Confusedallthetime0]

I feel I’ve gone from being a pretty confident person and mother to a shell.

Nothing seems good enough and the only time she seems remotely happy is when she’s spending money but even that is very short lived.

No matter how many courses I’ve been on, how many support groups I join, life just feels so difficult as I have to watch everything I say, she is highly critical and tells me daily that I shouldn’t have had children if I don’t know how to be a parent ( this is usually because she doesn’t know what she wants to do or eat and then gets really frustrated when I offer the wrong ideas )

She has taken to telling me how fat I am ( Size 14 so not slim but equally not obese as she keeps telling me ) and how embarrassing I am generally

My self esteem is so low now and I want to be a positive happy mum again

I don't agree with posters who say it's not to do with her ASD. It is, because she reacts inappropriately, as my ASD child does, to tiny discomforts/inconveniences and thinks only of her self and her feeling and wants and needs.

Am sorry that you are dealing with this. Sounds like she's doing if to the family as a whole too, though you are bearing the brunt.

Thing is ASD is not an excuse to behave like a bully. Has puberty made it worse too? She will most likely increasingly find out how little people tolerate it outside of the house. Perhaps the consequences need to be harsher. A silly question perhaps but are there any groups for her in your area?

Wishing you the best, it's a horrible situation to be in.

Have the parenting courses/groups been specific to parenting ASD children? What was the advice? Is she at school - how is she there? Does she upset others with blunt comments in school?

If she is low on empathy then she needs facts - fact is her comments about weight to you are hurtful and she must stop. She doesn't need to empathise, she just needs to know that when she targets you about weight, there is a consequence.

The negativity might then shift to something else, in which case the negativity is about her getting her feelings out and she will need help to get them out in an appropriate way that does not hurt others. You may need professional autism trained therapist for that.

For dinner, limit choices to 2 things you know she will eat (although I don't give much choice at home - we all eat the same main meal but I will accommodate eg no mushrooms in pasta sauce - DD is autistic and I suspect DH is too).

I also think getting some time for yourself is paramount here. You need to work on your self-esteem so that a 12 year old's opinion about your weight, how you dress etc isn't something you take to heart. Do you get out the house to just be you? Out with friends? Hobbies/interests? Does DH support you and step in to take the mental load or do you feel it all on you?

Ds is 19 and like this. It's absolutely soul destroying. I can stick up for myself and put him in his place, but the aftermath isn't very nice so sometimes I just shut up to keep the peace. I'm also very badly depressed so that doesn't help.

I'm autistic and wouldn't have been able to behave like this when I was his age.

I say this with kindness…..

I don’t have ND children - but do have a mother & nephew with it and a SD who it’s suspected.

Years ago - behaviour like this would have been deemed ‘bloody rude’ and unacceptable.

Nowadays - many people are classed as ND and we seem to accept behaviour that IMO is rude.

IMO this behaviour is being rude & disrespectful.

My SD used to say unkind things to me (or her frail / unwell grandmother) I would pick her up on it every single time. My go to statement would be ‘did you mean to be unkind / rude’? And wait for a response. Every single time - to get her thinking about what she had said.

Good luck 🤞