DD4 struggling with taking turns and kindness- how can I help her ?

[angelha]

I've been told this by nursery and want to support at home.

She can be a bit impulsive in the moment, if she wants a toy- struggles to wait her turn and always wants to go first.

She doesn't seem to care if she's upset someone by taking the toy etc.

At home, she has a little sister, 2.

She has days where she gets it and other days where she doesn't get it.

I play board games with her a lot and I'm trying to teach her to take turns there and not go off in a huff if she loses or when I win a point.

I have books on kindness and how to wait your turn etc that we read every day.

I intervene every time there's a situation with her little sister.

My DD is much better than she was. But what else could I do to support her ? It's like she really understands the concept that in order to have friends, she needs to take turns and not take things from children / not make them upset. However I feel in the moment at nursery, she can be impulsive.

Not always, thankfully. But enough for them to have raised it with me. Apparently it's worse when she's tired. So I'm working on earlier bed times and more down time.

I really want to help her.

Sounds fairly normal for her age. Maybe playing board games would be good. That’s learning turn taking and can bring in congratulating other when they win etc or being graceful when the other person loses.

She is still very young and still learning how to interact with other people and manage her feelings. Encouragement and modelling good behaviours is the best way to go I think.

You say you have seen improvements so carry on doing what you are doing. If you want to start adding consequences for this behaviour, then start with fairly mild ones. But make sure you recognise all good behaviours and reactions really praise those.

The behaviour isn't out of the ordinary for a nursery aged child. More empathy will come with brain development, it's not something you can magic up.

Thanks. I think that's a really good idea.

I also talk to her about it a lot, just to make her understand the concept of kindness.

And like I said, books and stuff.

I also reward her with a star on a star chart, when she's done the right thing and let her sister have a go at things or generally when she seems to be taking her sister's feelings into account.

I use time outs for consequences. But I don't thinks he cares that much about a time out. Sometimes I take a toy away or I'll tell her she will not get a star because her behaviour wasn't kind etc. thanks for the heads up.

The nursery didn't really say it was normal for her age.

Just putting another perspective here, is autism possible?
My kid was recently diagnosed, some of this behaviour was part of it.

No one has mentioned that. I don't think it's that.

Our twins are 2 and we have an autistic 3 year old and they all happily share,say please and thankyou. I guess we taught them from very little that sharing and playing together well is a very good thing,lots of praise when they do.

I really don't think my DD has autism.

She doesn't display any other flags. I think she just needs to mature with support.

Of course it could become apparent later on, but when I read the signs, I'm not concerned that's where she is now.

Are you saying that we haven't taught our children that or what is it you're saying ?

Or are you saying that not playing together well, isn't always an indication of autism.

I think it’s normal for this age. They understand turn taking but they also lack impulse control and sometimes they can’t help themselves. Board games are good. As is modelling at home with DH (presuming there is a DH/DP, ignore me if not) about whose turn it is to cook dinner, do the kids bath etc. I have nothing against time outs when DC is being destructive or hurting but natural consequences might help understanding better so not playing fairly and by the rules instantly shuts the game down. Nursery is where she has to learn it amongst her peers though, and she will because they simply won’t want to play with her if she’s ruining it for everyone.

It sounds like your doing everything that you can right now. Just keep doing what you're doing. My dts are in their teens now. They both went through phases of struggling with the idea of sharing before they actually got it. It's completely normal.

I think it’s pretty normal, she is only 4 and there is still time to learn. She also has a sibling and will learn to share this way.

You are not doing anything wrong, just keep on enforcing it by what you’re already doing

Also I think a 2YO sibling is significant- it’s the age where they become a proper little person with their own wants. And parents are more understanding obviously because no one expects a 2YO to understand turn taking in a way you expect a 4YO too. So there’s probably an element of it’s not fair and boundary pushing going on too. I’d also make a fuss of what a big girl she is, and say how nice it is to play a big girl board game with her that her sibling can’t do because they’re too little to understand the rules.

Yeah the 2 year old is REALLY coming into her own! In a bad way. She hits and pushes the 4 year old. The 4 year old is quite good. She doesn't hit back, but comes and tells me instead.

2 year old also pulls 4 year olds hair, hard ! It's horrible.

I've started putting 2 year old in time outs as well.

It's a battle. But honestly I feel the more I intervene, the worse the fighting is !

No I don't think k it is normal for a child at 4!

My son struggled with this and still does at 15. I think sometimes part of their personality. You are doing the right things. x

I found a firm "NO HITTING" / "NO SNATCHING" and immediately scooping them up and removing the offending toy etc, easier than trying to enforce time outs. For both the 2 and 4 year old.

They still did it of course, as kids that age do, especially when tired. But I found a quick NO and forcibly removing them was more effective than trying to appeal to their sense of empathy, especially when tired!

With some kids you can teach them endlessly to share and be kind but it often comes down to personality rather than parenting. She’s very young and it will come with time, try not to worry.

Do you think it's always important to remove the offending toy immediately too ?

"Books on kindness"? That's a thing? Hope there's also some books around the house on standing up for herself. Especially given that by your description that's half the issue here.

The way the nursery have described her, she just takes other children's toys and doesn't care that it upsets them.

She does fight back occasionally with her sister, but I've taught her not to and come to me instead - which is what I thought I was supposed to do ?

I have no concerns that she can't stand up for here, the opposite in fact.

In terms of the book, it's sweet, it just explains different scenarios and then it asks ' how could Bobby be kind ? ' and then she thinks about it and says how she thinks he could be kind, then she opens a flap and it says what he could do to he kind.

Just continue with what you are doing.

It's normal child behaviour.

I think the nursery can be a bit ott - and not everything is as it's presented to the parents. (Been there... )

She's young and learning how to interact with her peers. That's what nursery is all about.

Having dealt with hundreds of 4 year olds, I can say that it is very normal to have difficulties with sharing and losing games. Not all 4 year olds, but many. Playing outdoor games/ sport is also helpful as well as play dates or park meet ups and praising whomever is doing good sharing and turn taking. Children notice when the person next to them is praised for good behaviour and often copy.

You sound like a great mum. It's so hard dealing with these things - they feel huge at the time. I would keep doing exactly as you're doing and just constantly reinforce, consolidate, give consequences as needed and praise immediately when she gets it right. I would also let her know that the nursery teachers talk to you (if you haven't already). I am a teacher of 4-5 year olds and often find kids' behaviour improves when they realise parents and teacher are on the same page and communicate. Finally, I would ask the nursery to make a big deal of telling you about GOOD moments in front of her.

Also feed her some lines she can use if she wants a toy - to the teacher "can I play with that toy in 5 minutes?" We have huge sand timers in my classroom and use them to help with this kind of thing. Good for both parties to be able to visualise the 5 minutes passing.