Alcohol

[2024Melanie]

He stayed up to 3am and drank (on his own) 6 cans of lager and a bottle of wine. Im at the end of my tether. That’s a ridiculous amount right?

when i talk to him about the amounts hes drinking he says things like am i not allowed a drink? Its the weekend. Makes me feel bad for raising it almost turns it round to me with the problem. Its so annoying and frustrating. He does work all week but will drink each evening

i have told him he drinks too much and i want to end the marriage if he continues. He tells me hes working on it mostly through drunken eyes.

he wont change will he. I think actually hes getting worse

He won't change, no. Do you want this to be your life for the next ten, twenty, thirty years?

My exH drank like that. I thought that was how my life was going to be, full of excessive drinking and debt. We've been separated and divorced for nine years. I'm with a truly wonderful man now, and I've just been promoted to senior management in my dream job. Your life now doesn't have to be your life forever.

Well what's the point of having this conversation when he's already drunk? That will surely to turn into a drunken argument.

You need to speak to him when he's sober, explain your worried about his health etc, and that you ultimately don't like him drinking so much.

Do you drink as well?

Could both do a detox type thing together? To help him?

But if you're this unhappy, you don't have to stay with him

I left an XH who drank excessive amounts like this.

He has remarried and new wife apparently has no problems with his consumption of alcohol (adult DC reckon she’s trying to kill him off!) and he is HUGE, red and bloated. His eyes are barely visible in his face. It’s tragic.

If he absolutely refuses to stop, then file for divorce. Don’t let him waste your life.

Im not really interested in drinking. I will have a drink if out but dont drink at home. I dont mind people drinking but im concerned about his health and its really lonely. He lives separately in the house to me in a way. If im downstairs watching tv or with the kids, he will be upstairs. If i take the children to bed, thats his que to go downstairs. He doesn’t really help with the kids. I just feel like a single parent as it is.

i dont raise it when hes drinking, its fruitless. I would say something during the day. Evenings are written off with drinking

Give an ultimatum. We both used to drink like this.

I stopped and then asked DH to stop in the house.

We have AF beers on a weekend now, and the rare occasion he goes out.

He objected, of course, but I stood firm.

We both feel a lot better for it.

I have said about no drinking in the house. Its not good for the kids to see it as normal. He think im over reacting. He doesn’t think hes got a problem unfortunately and wont listen to any suggestions that he might be an alcoholic. On the nights he says hes not drinking, I have found empty cans/wine bottle at the side of the sofa the next morning/or inside a cupboard. If hes not got a problem why hide them?

That’s an excessive and unhealthy amount. It’s not acceptable.

His drinking is certainly ticking a bunch of alcohol use disorder boxes. But the most important thing is that it is making you unhappy and is a terrible thing to expose your children to.
Why not talk your situation over with a trusted friend or family member, you don't need to keep his drinking a secret, he shouldn't mind as he says it's OK!
Only you can decide whether or not you want to live with this problem. But this type of drinking only goes one way, it increases, that's what alcohol is - an addictive substance.
I'm no expert in this area but I do have some personal experience.
But you can't change his mind, the only power you have is what you do.

save all of his empty cans and bottles, count up the number of units he is drinking in a week and how many he is bingeing on a night

when he’s sober confront him with this basic truth and how it is affecting you and the family.

im sorry, it must so hard living with someone like that

Ive just added up how much i think hes drank this week its 80 units

the amount doesn't really matter, the point is his drinking is affecting your marriage and it's perfectly OK to want to leave it

https://al-anonuk.org.uk/

Al anon family groups may be a useful resource

If he's not able to admit he's got a problem there's not a lot you can do unfortunately. Confronting him with the evidence (empties, the hiding them in cupboards etc) when sober might trigger him to admit it, but nothing will force him to get better till he decides for himself. Even then, it's one thing to want to stop and another thing entirely to manage it - he will likely need professional help and support.

You can get medication (tablets or implant) that make it impossible to drink without vomiting/feeling awful, but no-one can force him to take it - he needs to get there on his own.

Agree with pp about saving up the bottle and cans. DH and I both enjoy a few drinks at the weekend but if he was drinking that amount I would be very worried about his health. Also your relationship is suffering and it sounds like he’s using alcohol as a sticking plaster.

He’s an addict. Alcohol is so damaging, he’s wasting his life and his money.
I’d have a proper sit down conversation with him, he must get help if he wants to save your marriage. (That’s if you love him). Personally I think it’s so hard, it’d be a long road. I don’t know if I’d have it in me to try. It’s even more difficult with children involved.
A colleagues husband was like this, she would be off on trips with the children and he would be home in bed, watching tv and boozing. They’d have to stay away from him, as she didn’t want the children to see him drunk. He also became verbally abusive as time went on and the alcohol gripped him more.
He lost his job in the end, got a drink driving ban. Then ended up in hospital, lost teeth, bleeding issues.
She divorced him and has set up alone now, it was a hard year but she’s so much happier now.

I think our marriage is beyond saving now. Ive had enough. Ive lived like a single person for so long, doing everything for and with the kids. Hes more interested in staying home drinking or out with friends on nights out.

hes never been violent or hit any of us, but does shout, get angry, slam doors/stuff. If he has to wash up more than twice a week hes annoyed. We both work full time but i dont sit down until 10pm with jobs around the house