With mum after bereavement?

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My dad passed away suddenly in Sept 2023. I was 25. It was tough. Generally I’m at the stage where normal life has resumed and I feel alright on a day to day.

I found out via my friend seeing her social media post, that my mum is now dating someone and I’m a bit taken aback

She deserves love, but it feels a bit like I’m the only one who remembers my dad and he’s slowly being forgotten about? I think I’m just at a different stage of processing the grief than she is.

Aibu to want to distance myself from my mum for a bit? I just need a bit of time to process how I’m feeling as I don’t want to project anything on her. She’s messaged me saying she noticed I didn’t comment on her picture and asked me to meet up and get to know her new partner and I don’t feel ready for that. She also said they’ve been together for a few months, so wish I didn’t find out through social media!

She’s messaged me saying she noticed I didn’t comment on her picture and asked me to meet up and get to know her new partner and I don’t feel ready for that

YANBU!!

Despite the fact she is also grieving, and is choosing to “move on” on in her own way, I also don’t think she has the right to make a comment about you not posting underneath her picture.

lt feels like she is pressurising you to support her in whatever decision, no matter what it is or how it affects you, and also that you have to accept whichever method you find out.

Thats too much a burden on you, someone young who has lost their father too.

YANBU and I wish you all the luck, distance yourself if you have to - this is insensitivity. While your mother has every right to make choices which support her, that doesn’t give her a licence to stop supporting you either.

No one can tell you that your feelings are wrong. They are your feelings. However I think you are not being fair to your mother—or even to your late father.

I am happily married for 30 years—in fact my daughters are close to you in age. If I lost my wonderful husband I would happily start dating again—and I hope he would too if the situation arose. I wouldn’t be “forgetting “ about him! How could I when I love him and have shared so many memories and the life of our children? But I remain a person with needs and dreams and hopes. I won’t stop eating or sleeping either. My husband is a part of me. A new love just continues that life that my husband cherishes now. New memories are added to the old.

Your mother’s life and her relationship with your father didn’t end with his death. Her life is transformed but continues. Just as yours does.

Everything you do and experience from now on is an honor to your father’s memory. Mourning is natural but temporary. Try to forgive your mother for being able to imagine being happy again. Im sure your father would want that for both of you.

That was unthoughtful of her to let you find out through social media. She really should have given you a heads up.

Can you communicate with her how you feel? It hasn't been 6 months yet so I don't think yabu with how you feel, we all process grief differently.

From your mum's point of view, what was her relationship with your dad like? I'm not trying to assume, but if they had been living separate lives, maybe that's why she has found it so easy to move on. Some people can't bear being alone. There could be a multitude of reasons, but until you can gather your thoughts and speak to her you won't find out. Maybe pen a letter if writing it down would help you or see a grief counsellor to talk things through?

Sending hugs x

My mother died in July many years ago and my father started dating in September 2 months later. I was polite to the new woman because I did not believe that my emotions were more important than the respect I owed my df, who was never anything but good and kind and loving to me. It was hard, but it was the right thing to do. Feel all your feels, but don't ruin your relationship with your mother. She doesn't deserve that.

I’m not ruining the relationship. I haven’t commented on her post or replied to her message just yet.

She can do whatever she wants but I’m not really ready to meet him and spend time with him. so I’m probably just going to reply something like that.

You aren't being unreasonable.

But, and I say this very gently, your mum might need to move on to grieve. My best friend lost her life partner about 6 years ago. Three months later she had a couple of casual relationships. She needed that emotional intimacy in order to help sort out her feelings.

YANBU - you are still grieving.

But to offer you a slightly different perspective, we lost my Dad when I wasn't much older than you. Many years on, my siblings and I all wish our Mum would start seeing someone. Some people thrive outside relationships, but she certainly isn't one of them, and we'd love to see her loved and happy.

@Spencer0220 thanks, yes it’s a different relationship that she’s grieving but I think I’d rather not get involved this soon in. It hasn’t even been 6 months yet, and they were together right up until he died. I’m not saying that she can’t move on, just that I’ll likely need to sleep on it and be more receptive in time

You don’t have to be receptive to it or to jump to meet this person. But just try not to let your feelings about it affect your relationship with your mother. Just say “Im not ready to include new people in my life right now. Id prefer to just see you/talk to you without hearing about new guy.”

She’s being very unreasonable to tell you through a social media post and expect you to comment on it that way!

Besides that, do what you feel is right for you, your dad’s passing is still very recent and whilst your mum may feel ready for new relationships or may need that to grieve, it’s fine if you’re not ready to meet him yet. “I’m really happy you’ve found someone, I’m not quite ready to start welcome new people into my life yet, but until then I’m happy for you and will let you know when I am”.

Condolences on the loss of your father and I appreciate how difficult bereavement is. My dh died at approximately the same time as your dad and I've been seeing a very old friend, one of my oldest friends in the world and an ex boyfriend,for several months now, although I've done so in secrecy.
Whilst we had a family together and still shared a home our relationship had been non existent for well over a decade. To an outsider it would probably seem that we had been a couple but this just wasn't the case. There was a long and painful history of financial abuse and control perpetrated on me by my husband but I chose to remain with him due to his declining health.
I really don't ever want to have to explain these circumstances to strangers nor believe I should have to but introducing a new partner to family and friends is still tricky.Being painted as some sort of scarlet woman or black widow is also really difficult.
Can you accept that your mother's relationship , whether it was positive or not, was totally different to your own relationship with your father. One issue for me is that I simply don't want to waste time serving some sort of prolonged grieving period for my dh. It's also possible to grieve and still start another relationship.

Grief takes people in so many different ways but personally I think it’s tacky and disrespectful to be throwing yourself at another man when your poor dad is barely cold in the ground. So YANBU not to want to acknowledge it, I would be the same.
so sorry for your loss.