To end relationship...?

[mercymercy]

Hi,

I am 33. Been dating a man for the past six months who has two children. Two girls aged 16 & 12. I do not have children and have never been married.

Things have been great so far, but I am fully aware that the 'setup' isn't an ideal one. I don't mean that in any kind of disparaging way.

He recently admitted his ex would want them to still be together and be a 'family unit'. They are still very much in each other's lives (as they should be) and live within walking distance of each other.

He has also told me she suffers from mental health issues and that he wouldn't 'go back there' due to the hell it was. Whilst I have seen instances of anger and jealousy - and there has been a bit of 'drama' and a few issues - it's hard to know how much is 'too much' of a dealbreaker here.

Frankly, I take men describing women in that manner a bit jarring. I am not the type of person who blindly believes a man when he describes an ex as 'crazy'. (My immediate thought is to think: "Was she crazy - or did you make her crazy?") Whilst I've seen some irrational behaviour, I can't help but feel for her too. This is her family, after all.

I am not one of those women who immediately 'hates' another woman for no valid reason - especially a biological mother. I have huge respect for parents and navigating that tricky territory. I grew up with parents who were under one roof - and still are. So a 'separated' family makes me quite sad. Even if said separation was the 'right' decision.

It is not entirely selfless of me, of course. I have no shame in admitting I don't want to get dragged into any headaches/drama (which if it were to increase, fills me with dread) - and I can foresee things heading that way. To clarify, I am not 'blaming' the biological mother for anything or feeling any type of way and I am not parking anything at her door.

He keeps putting forward his 'case' and offering reassurance - and whilst I am grateful for that, I can't help but wonder if I should just walk. I don't want to be this 'doom merchant', but it is playing on my mind all too often.

I do think children deserve the very best though - and right now, I feel like the person who is standing in the way or their ideal family setup.

AIBU to walk away now - even though nothing fatal/catastrophic has happened - as yet? I don't want to harm anyone - nor do I want to get 'in too deep' here either.

At the end of the day, they are - and always will be a family. I have great respect for that and for all involved.

Run for the hills before you're too invested.

Leave them to it OP.

If I am ever single again, I would consider a man with adult children as I am middle aged. But at 33, I wanted a baggage free man, I think you should aspire for that too.

The fact you are questioning this tells you all you need to know. Plus op, you’re only 33, you don’t need this baggage in your life.

These are things you should have considered long ago and given you have so many concerns already, just finish things. I can’t imagine his daughters will be overly accepting of you either.

There is a lot to think about but what I would say is in no way you are standing in the way of the children's happiness. If the parents wanted to be together, they would be. If he wanted to be with her now, he would have left you himself. Don't be a martyr, assess the situation for what it is - do you want to be in this situation for YOUR own wellbeing?
I have a 14 y/o step daughter and my partner and his ex are pretty close. She (the ex) is also not entirely the kind of person I would choose to be around and my partner would never go back to her no matter what. Kiddo is very happy to have some stability and freedom in our house and it is more beneficial for her to see a loving relationship her father and I have than to see two distressed parents and slightly chaotic households.

Thank you for your response. This is his 'argument' too. I totally respect both sides. You're right though - there is indeed a lot to think about. If it comes down to ultimately not being compatible or happy; so be it. Just thinking - and I'm glad to be thinking^^ carefully.

I'm afraid I agree with this OP. There are so many threads on here on MN about this situations where the woman has decided, for whatever reason, to continue the relationship and see how things go, maybe adding a child or two to the equation. So many of them end badly, the man pinballing between his difficult Ex, being Disney dad to his children with his Ex because he over compensates as he's desperate to maintain contact to keep them and their mother sweet, you at the end bottom of the pile trying to fit in... Think very carefully indeed before you get more involved. 🌹

Just leave him already. It's so overwrought. You don't have to be with this man.

Maybe I'm missing something, but they're never going to be together again, as your partner doesn't want it to be so.
So it's not like you're stopping them from becoming a happy family.
If you really, really like this man then why not just see how it goes.

You're 33 and I imagine (apologies if I'm wrong) looking to settle and start a family of your own:doing so with a man with a toxic ex who wants him back and two teenagers who are being poisoned against you by a angry bitter mother who'll make your life hell is not a situation anyone would willingly want to be in.

It's just too messy;if you choose to stay; you're doing so knowing the shitshow you're getting into.

and two teenagers who are being poisoned against you by a angry bitter mother who'll make your life hell

Did the OP say that was actually happening?!

Nah sod that

I would leave them to it. They may well not be meant for each other and should not be together, but at 33 I wouldn’t put myself in that situation.

I’m 34 and have a DSS who I adore and who lives with us. I would never trade him but simply the fact that he existed meant my relationship with his dad was fast tracked and the stress of dealing with his mother (who has a lot of issues herself and lost custody of all three of her children) has been enormous and if I could go back I don’t think I’d put myself in this same situation again, despite my love for my partner and DSS.

I don't particularly see the issue with the ex, feels a bit abstract and not really a barrier to your relationship. However as you're still early 30s and not had DC, I think you could get a guy without DC and an ex-wife and keep your life simpler. Is he much older than you or did he have his DC young? Being the second wife and blending families etc obviously can work, but as you have the choice and time and you don't sound all that invested in him, I'd sack it off and explore other options, ideally a guy close to your own age and on the same page.