Checking on DH online activity

[Choclatemonke]

Hi!

I'm ashamed to write this but I've been tracking my DH's online activity on and off for the last few months. It all started about 5 years ago when I viewed a chat history with some ppl he was talking to online, he was sexting and doing it when I was out the house.

I challenged him on it, he denied it, brushed it aside as just 'banter' and turned it on me for snooping on him. It crossed a line for me talking to other ppl online sexually. I'm not an idiot I know the difference between banter and explicit sexual chats. I wasn't a confident lady to begin with and struggled with what to do then we had a family emergency and it got swept away.

It's stuck with me, and everytime I try to raise and talk about it DH just dodges it or turns it on me. He will never take accountability for his actions.

It's massively effected me and knocked my confidence. Even though our relationship is better now it's still in the back of my mind. I'm really worried about him leaving me because I don't satisfy him sexually, some of the things he was talking about in those chats we don't do or get close to doing.

When I get anxious or feel like we are on shaky ground I snoop, I shouldn't It's wrong and I want to stop because I cant live like this. Do I just let this go with it being so long ago and there is no evidence of it anymore or force the issue to resolve it once and for all?

You either trust him or you don’t. If you don’t (and with good reason by the look of it), then your marriage is over anyway.

It does not sound as though you are happy with this person, who makes you feel undermined and unsatisfactory. Are you sure he is the right person for you? Better to be with someone who bolsters your confidence and loves you just as you are.

It crossed a line for me

It's massively effected me and knocked my confidence.

And yet, you didn't end it? Why?

If you’re at the point where you feel you have to do this, there’s nothing worth saving.

Well have you found any online activity you are suspicious of since that event.... 5 years ago?

Probably not because if he’s still doing it he probably deletes it from his history or uses a private browser.

Maybe but maybe not

The issue is that snooping isn't going to settle your anxiety. You will just keep coming back to doing it to get your "fix" of reassurance. You are making the situation worse for yourself.
You don't need to talk to him about what happened 5 years ago but it may be worth having a conversation about sex life. In a non-emotive way. Just figure out if there is anything you want to try as a couple to move things on in the bedroom. Does he satisfy YOU sexually? Because you seem to carry a lot of responsibility for his pleasure and it's often not reciprocated by men, in my experience.

Thanks all, no he doesnt satisfy me. He does nothing for me in the bedroom, all on his terms and when it suits him. If I want to see him he doesnt let me.

This is over, i knew it I just couldnt face it.