Are all teens selfish?

[Underdeniablyexhausted]

Just had an utter blowout with DS (again). He is 18 and lives at home. Works 18 hours per week in a supermarket job in the evenings (3 nights) and pays no rent or expenses - we pay for his phone too. He is doing a summer abroad this summer and then going to University next September.

DH and I both work FT in stressful jobs and have 3 other younger DC (16,14,10). Whilst DS is at home in the day we do leave him some jobs but not many - he has to walk the dogs everyday but often that's it. He would never think to do anything off his own back - for instance if the dishwasher is finished he wouldn't think to unload it, he would just leave his dirty dish on the side. I don't really ask him to do housework as I can't stand the fact that it's generally half a job. I have stopped doing his washing as he couldn't even be bothered to put in his washing basket. I don't clean his room either.

On Saturdays DH and 2 of the DC do the same sport. Often they are at different venues but DH generally coordinates it. DS is very poor at organising himself which will often have a knock on effect. So for instance, he is unreliable at informing us of his fixture which then means DH has to adapt plans or wait around at the last minute.

This morning they are all off playing. DS is playing at a far off venue which requires him to get the train. DH will have to leave an hour early to drop him off in time. We got up early to walk the dog. Get home and DS is still in bed. We're then rushing around trying to get lunches ready, kit etc whilst he just sits there eating his breakfast and watching something on his phone. DH asks him to help. He does nothing but get himself ready. When he comes back down all the jobs are mostly done but he's just stood there listening to music. DH gets angry at him to which he responds loudly and aggressively as if somehow this is unreasonable. It is at this point I lose the plot and I did really shout which is not ideal and I did apologise for that after. I'm just so angry that everything is such hard work. He does not seem to grasp how utterly privileged he is. He is so, so incredibly selfish.

I thought this was a DS thing but my other DC is 16 and is also quite similar. Absolutely no concept of the needs of others.

YANBU - all teens are selfish arses
YABU - your dc are just entitled and selfish

Yes they can be selfish but they have only just reached adulthood at that age so can't be expected to change overnight. You need to shape their behaviour rather than get annoyed they can't do x properly or that they are disorganised. So teach him how to do the dishwasher. Don't give the lift to an event he forgot to inform you about - let him miss it or sort out the problem himself.

It's time to change the way you approach him. You can't force compliance, but you don't need to be the parent who sorts everything out either, like you were in the past. Let him deal with his lack of action. Then he will gradually learn to be more self reliant.

That's the thing about ADHD, they can organise things they are strongly motivated to do. You need to think of ways to motivate him to do some of the other things.

I thought I'd posted this in my sleep! This is our situation too.

I wouldn't run around after someone who needed to get to a football fixture, particularly if they were causing me hassle and doing nothing. If he wants to play in matches he needs to get himself there. Arrange a lift with a team mate. Whatever. He's an adult.

Many teens are selfish. They do tend to grow out of it.

The fact that you don't clean his room or do his laundry is a good start.

If he's off to uni in Sept and he's earning now then I'd sit down with him and agree how much financial support he is going to get at uni. I'd then say that it's time he started practising budgeting and running his money so stop paying for his phone or anything else you pay for. He can then choose what to spend his money on and or whether to earn more money.

Ime you feel a lot less resentful if you aren't paying for stuff!

Re the sports stuff, if your DH wants him there then I guess he has to suck that up. The obvious threat otherwise is that either he requests lifts 7 days in advance or you just don't take him.

We actually had a written lift request policy at one stage.

Have a long family meeting and fix the tasks to be performed and the rules to be obeyed by each child.

Let it be fair to everyone and allow for some compromises from all sides.

Fix appropriate penalties for not following what has been agreed.

But also reward them from time to time for following the rules.

If as you later say he has a bit of ADHD, he will be happier with fixed rules.

I find they don't use their own initiative. They will do the bare minimum so if you ask them to something they will do only that and wouldn't think to do anything extra.

Match his energy. Stop paying for his phone, stop running him around everywhere. Just go about you business and let him fend for himself.

My 17yo DSS has certain chores to do and if he doesn't then we don't make his dinner that night and he needs to sort his own food. He works and doesn't contribute financially but is expected to contribute in other ways to the household. If he's not contributing then he's also not reaping some of the benefits of living here.