To expect to be told?

[mumtotwoplustwo]

I've been with my husband many years and during this time he has been very secretive. I've never liked this side of his behaviour especially when it becomes actively lying about things. We have constantly had to work really hard to stay together with constant promises of being more open etc.

So this may seem petty and I'm not sure if it's unreasonable of me to expect him to share news of his job promotion. I received a promotion in the new year and obviously shared the news as I was pleased.

Roll forward to last Friday and two eldest children both got news of job promotions on the same day. They both came home and shared the news. I actually made comment on how it was a day for promotions. My husband said nothing although seemed awkward, I thought it odd but said nothing. Roll forward a week and I found a letter he'd printed, and obviously forgot to collect from the printer, stating the new terms for his job promotion. The letter was dated 2 weeks ago.

He wasn't trying to hide money from me as both salaries go into a joint account but it's hurtful that he wouldn't share his news in the same way the rest of the family did. I asked him why and he said he didn't know how much the pay rise was going to be but a) he could have just said he didn't know and b) by virtue he had a letter which hadn't been printed the day I found it he did have opportunity to tell me.

I honestly don't know if I'm feeling sensitive over the lack of communication, it feels as though I always share my news but he never shares his, or if I have unrealistic expectations of communication. What do you think? AIBU?

If this was a one-off, it'd be fine, as I would assume that he didn't want to steal the children's thunder, or that he didn't yet know the exact details of his promotion.
However it sounds like this has been one of many things he has chosen to keep from you. And that is obviously not ok.
You mentioned that you've had to work really hard to stay together. Let me put it to you that life is much too short, and it doesn't have to be this way. You are making your life harder than it needs to be.
Best of luck

I would find this extremely odd behaviour from OH or anyone.

If I have read your OP right, he was promoted a week before your children. So he deliberately kept it from you (the lack of knowledge of his pay rise is immaterial)? The day that your children told you about their promotions was a perfect opportunity to tell you, if it had slipped his mind, even if he had waited to speak to you later alone. The only logical reason I can think of is that he wasn't going to let you know his salary had increased, amend his paying in details and keep that portion to himself for some reason. The fact that his excuse immediately went to pay rise would confirm that to me. I would be wondering what he needs to secretly fund.

I couldn't be in a relationship with a liar and the fact that this is part of a pattern would have meant he would be long gone from my life. Not being able to rely on your partner being upfront and lying must make you second guess everything OP and I would imagine makes you feel insecure at times.

That’s really odd, when you get a promotion you want to run home and share it with everyone. Is he ND and find it difficult having attention on him? I don’t think you’re being unreasonable at all and I find this very odd behaviour from a partner

I would start to wonder what other secrets he has. Or money in accounts you don’t know about. My DH isn’t trustworthy and me and dc know it. It’s inevitable there’s a cooling of relationships. Dh is mostly out for himself. He’s only ever been willing to give part of himself to me. Or dc. The rest is kept for himself to enjoy. It’s like a separate world that he controls and we have no influence over or part of.

His business partner had money in accounts he didn’t declare when they divorced but his ex wife did find them in the end. He had the accounts registered at the office, not his home. Some people plan an exit strategy by deceit.

Personally I would talk to him about why he didn’t share this information as it would have given your family something extra to celebrate. Let him know that you love him and enjoy hearing his news.