Child doesn't really laugh / smile

[delaysdelays]

Dd2 will smile if she sees a TV character she likes or I give her cake, or maybe if we go to the park and she recognises where we are. She's recently started nursery and she does smile when she sees me.

But she doesn't really smile more than a couple of times a day. She never giggles or laughs apart from when I'm tickling her before bed, to be honest it's probably tiredness, and I'm doing it more for me than her as it's really difficult parenting a child who doesn't show much enjoyment.

I'm a lone parent so apart from nursery a few mornings a week we are together.
I'm facing another weekend trying to muster up the enthusiasm to take her out and try and 'have fun' because it's just me trying to be cheerful and pretend we are having a good time.

I say 'trying' and 'pretend' because as an adult I don't really enjoy going to soft play/the park on my own. Because it feels on my own because my child doesn't really fully participate (if that makes sense).

I don't have any local friends with kids my age and if I do meet people their children are much more advanced (my DD doesn't talk either) she babbles when she's alone like in her cot in the morning, or around the house, but not to me.

I think the talking will come. But will the smiles/laughter?

I'm not a grump and I'm cheerful at home and when we are out. I talk to people and I'm friendly.

AIBU to get depressed parenting a child who doesn't delight in life (which I assumed most children did in their own ways?)

That's a lot of signs of autism. Definitely push for a diagnosis, but you also may want to read up on autism and speech therapy techniques so you can start working on things with her yourself. I'd be thinking about facial expressions and social cues, consciously pointing them out in books and TV shows. You could look out for and prioritise shows with human presenters like Blues Clues to support some of that.

It must be disconcerting to see the differences, OP. It sounds like you are doing a really good job with your daughter.

Does she occupy herself at home, or seek you out? If neither of you are getting much out of the park or soft play, is there anything that you would enjoy more so it wouldn't feel so intense if she was engaging on her own terms.

i know we can’t compare our children with others and there’s a huge range as to what is normal/ ‘expected/usual behaviours’ but many parents do have an awareness that something is going on and it’s really important to go with your gut feelings. There’s enough from what you are describing to warrant assessing/monitoring. It could be nothing or it could be something. But it’s important nothing is missed. If it’s possible to make a video of her playing or reacting to something you know doesn’t result in smiling/laughing/joining in the actions of songs etc, that could be helpful info.

Is there any history of autism in the family? My late DF was high functioning, as is my oldest DB, his son and now DGN. My DD has autistic traits too. It’s difficult as no one size fits all when it comes to autistic traits.

DD would play well imaginatively for hours at a time, played appropriately with toys, would laugh and smile but would be massively impulsive and had huge violent meltdowns. No eye contact , defiant , destructive behaviour. Academically bright enough, huge food and sleep problems, lack of empathy, insight and uninterested in others. I wish she had had an assessment as a child but it wasn’t really ‘a thing’ and both she and my DB were just labelled naughty, strange and antiosocial little kids growing up. DB has a happy, lovely life with a career that was perfect for him. A wonderful marriage and a beautiful family. I hope you soon get some answers OP. I hope you can move past feelings of shame. This is out of your control. You sound like a great and very aware parent. If she does turn out to be ND in some way this isn’t your fault. If anything it’s genetics and chance. Be gentle on yourself.

"If I see other parents with their children it really hits me and I feel real shame that we don't have the connection they do. It's like they are 3D and we are 2D."

Oh love. I know this feeling very well. My boy was exactly like this. Completely blank. Hardly any eye contact. Even in anxiety inducing situations when other children are desperate to connect with their parents so they know they are safe (doing something new / swimming / being collected at nursery). In fact he would look away from me. I sometimes felt that the nursery staff would suspect I was abusive as my son was so utterly uninterested in my arrival at nursery. So so shaming.

My boy is 3.5 now and yes I do suspect some ND. However he is much more connected to me now and expresses enjoyment more. We talk to him about how he can show affection and be more likeable socially (saying hello, waving, smiling, asking people how they are etc) and we've seen improvements with this practical approach. But playdates still hit me hard when I see the normal loving interactions other kids are having in comparison.

I really feel for you as those first years were such a thankless slog. I sometimes wondered if his real mum was out there as it certainly didn't seem to be me. The worst thing was wondering if there was something wrong with me that my DS was repulsed by. If you feel this - trust me it's her not you!

@Naptrappedmummy thanks the post and the link - I've skimmed it and I do all those 'activities' already which is a relief, but I'll print them out and make sure I really make the effort.
I've stopped eating face her because she now eats so well and doesn't really need encouragement, but we eat together and I show her pleasure in eating etc still.

Call the HV and say you don’t want to wait for her 2 year review and can they do an ASQ and a Wellcom now. They should then do a salt referral at the very least and don’t need a hearing test first. Push for a paediatric referral too but at the very least salt, because early intervention is important.

Thanks everyone, you've made me feel less shit about it all.
I think because being a lone parent is incredibly lonely anyway and without affection between us (hard to be affectionate with someone who isn't bothered, especially these days when we are so much more awareness of consent/boundaries!) it's tough because I feel I'm faking my way through life and it's definitely taking its toll on me.
The shame and fear for our futures as well as the guilt doesn't help either.
Hoping as she grows she'll be content in her own way and find her niche in this world and we'll find some things in common to connect over.

Sorry if I missed it, but have you had her hearing tested recently?

It could be asd. There's a good assessment tool on line called mchatr.

I'd keep pushing services -hv, salt etc. Also asked nursery senco to assess her. There's also a at home support service you could contact called portage. Or if nursery are on board they could involve your councils sen team.

The issue is if it is asd as some as she goes to school all services - referral pathway, salt etc are initiated by school so you are reliant on school to do the right things. The more you can get in place now the better.

With regard to reactions she may be enjoying things but not expressing it. I'd continue to take her places/give her experiences. Does she show displeasure/anger?

Please don't stop being affectionate because she doesn't seem to need/crave it! Give her cuddles, kiss her all over, tell her a million times that you love her. I'm sure that's what strengthened my dd's connection with me. She was listening the whole time and when she was ready she started responding. All children need affection. She will show you if she doesn't like it. Blank face (in my limited experience) doesn't mean dislike.

I would keep pushing for a hearing test. It surprises me they can't offer you anything to be honest.

The thing about the Tube is moot for me; she may be really hard of hearing or just totally zen - glue ear would make loud sounds more reverb-y and ASD children can be sensitive about noise. That said, I feel I've observed more meltdowns in ASD kids due to noise when it interferes with what they're trying to do, rather than just loud noise in itself.

Just to say, I don't think you should feel shit at all.

Whether she's nd or not, it's not as a result of your parenting. You're doing a good job. How you raise her won't determine if she's autistic or not.

Autism or other ND/SEN doesn't mean less good as a person, just different. I have a friend with autism who has a string of degrees, good relationship and job.

You can only parent the child you've got. Every child brings challenges and joys. I wouldn't be comparing or wishing your child was different, just do your best.

This sounds like my first daughter! She rarely smiled. In baby classes, all the other kids would be grinning at bubbles and puppets and she would be stony faced. I used to lie on the bed with her trying to make her laugh and she'd just gaze back at me. Even on swings and roundabouts she wouldn't crack a smile. I have to admit I wondered about autism. However, she is now nearly 9 and I know that she is just quite a serious, bookish child who takes her time to contemplate things! She does laugh and smile but sparingly. That's just her personality. Hope this reassures you a bit.

Hi, was wondering how your LO is doing now?

Hi OP, how are things going for you and your daughter now?

Sounds exactly what my mum said about me as a child. Apparetntly i spdidnt say a single word until i was 3,5 years old and only then as mums friend offered me 10p to say sausages. Apparently i never smiled or laughed much either. Can believe this from photographs.
Grew up perfectly normal