A wedding WWYD?

[sparklins]

Will try to cut a long story short as much as I can. Me and DF(iance) have been together 10 years (2DC) and are finally getting married this year. We got engaged early on but lots of things have happened and our priorities changed, now we are finally in a position to have the wedding we have always wanted.

I have a LC relationship with my DPs (who are in their 50s) and my DF is NC with them. There is a long history there, they have alcohol issues and whilst they are not unpleasant to be around in small doses like I do now, they have been known to be quite full on and strongly opinionated, in addition my DM is quite sensitive to things. Now that there are more boundaries there my DM especially seems to be a lot more conscious of behavior and careful not to step on toes.

They are happy for the wedding, so far they have been telling me to do what we want for it and don't mind others opinions. The only thing my DM has expressed is really important to her is the 'blessing' part of the day, I am from Eastern Europe and in my home country (where we are getting married) it is customary and traditional to have both sets of parents 'bless' the union in a quick ceremony. To give a bit more context here is a link to how it looks usually the bride and groom will either kneel or stand side by side and each parent will come and sign the cross on their forehead and give wishes.

Now firstly me and DF plan on not seeing each other on the day until I am walking down the aisle so a customary blessing at the brides house pre-ceremony is completely out of the question anyway. DPs have asked if it could perhaps happen on arrival to the venue.

Due to being NC my DP has said that his initial feeling is that he does not want to entertain it. He will be civil and cordial on the day but I think to be quite honest if they turned around and said they are not coming he would not be fussed apart from making sure I am OK.
I am in 2 minds about it as I feel quite neutral about it in terms of its importance to me however I am quite aware I am the only daughter and it's a big part of the tradition, my DGPs will be there too and I know it's something they find important as well. It feels a little harsh just to flat out refuse considering it is the only thing my DM has actually expressed is important to her.

I will not be letting this one thing take over my entire day or planning process and I am trying to approach everything with a calm open mind therefore I wanted to gain some outside perspective on here to help me navigate this subject.

WWYD if you were us?

There is a long history there, they have alcohol issues and whilst they are not unpleasant to be around in small doses like I do now, they have been known to be quite full on and strongly opinionated, in addition my DM is quite sensitive to things.

No way would I be arranging any element of my wedding to appease someone like this.

It's your day, do whatever you want.

As an aside, you don't sound particularly LC if you're actively discussing details of the wedding day with her?

Well what do you want to do.

not them

not your fiance

you

if you want to get the blessing then do it! If not, say no

I’d ask fiancé to do it, on arrival at the venue. I’d ask him once, give him time to consider, and accept his answer. If he can’t, I’d weigh up the impact of skipping this part and if it would be huge, maybe change the nature of the wedding entirely to something more like an elopement, without parents/grandparents there.

@SharkieAndGeorge why can't I discuss the wedding when I see them?

No one is saying you can't
I pointed it out because you say in your OP that you're LC with them. That's generally a step people to take to protect themselves from an unhealthy relationship, limiting the amount of interaction to a minimal amount to regain/maintain control and set very firm boundaries around those interactions in order to protect themselves.

If you're meeting them regularly and discussing your wedding etc then what you're calling LC perhaps actually isn't (but still works for you) or indeed perhaps your boundaries over what interactions you're having need some thought. Weddings are high stress events even in healthy families.

To me this sounds like part of the archaic stuff in weddings that goes back to women being a possession; first of her father then handed over by him to her husband. So for that reason I wouldn't do it.
I also wouldn't do it

1. if my fiance was not comfortable with it
2. if our relationship with my parents was LC/NC

Can they do it the night before, or after the wedding, so it doesn't impact as much on the day you had planned?

Could you do it the afternoon or evening before?

I agree with other posters, if you're discussion your wedding and their thoughts and wishes with your DPs it doesn't sound like this what must people would regard as LC. If for you this is what qualifies as LC then they must have previously been very very controlling, or you were very very dependent on them. Either way, I wouldn't be putting their wishes before either my own or my future husband's.

You are giving them opportunity to cause you hurt. I think you need to make sure they can't.

@DrinkFeckArseBrick My Fiancee won't really be interacting with them pre-wedding. And it tends to be something that's part of the day.

@SharkieAndGeorge I never said I am meeting regularly to discuss the wedding, not sure if my post came across wrong. I tend to see them sporadically maybe once a month and last time I saw them the subject of the wedding came up as I have only very recently told them we are planning it and have not seen them until now.

Oh @sparklins I think this is a really tricky one, normally I'd be like just do what you want it's your wedding, but then I watched the vid and it actually brought tears to my eyes (and I'm not religious!). It was very much the end bit with the lady with the crutches finding it difficult to let go of them in order to make the crosses, and the tall husband bending over so much to make it easier for the old ladies, it just gave me such a sense of how important it might be for the elderlies and how much tradition there is in it. So, not so much for your parents even but for your DGPs, if you can find a way of getting it in there it could actually be very healing and calming of all family relationships going forward and for that alone I think it's worth trying to do it. Presumably part of the reason to travel to your home country for the wedding is to honour the family, history, and traditions?
Congratulations on your upcoming wedding. 💐

I think it's totally unreasonable of you to expect your fiance to take part in some naff blessing ceremony where he will be "blessed" by people he has had to go NC with due to bad behaviour. I also think you are very foolish to give your parents any power or say whatsoever given their history. "What could possibly go wrong?" springs to mind.