To not understand PTSD

[Wtfptsd]

I was diagnosed with this during childhood and had some years of therapy which didn't help although my therapist was lovely.
I have had therapy a few times in adulthood and the most recent bout was the one that really helped.

I can clearly see how it affected me throughout my childhood and early adulthood and was quite a volatile person during those years.
It affected me in different ways as I got older but thankfully in a less volatile way so it did not affect those around me.

So although I see how it affected me I still don't understand why
Many people have been through similar and many have been through worse - there are children living in warzones fgs what I went through was not nice but nothing in comparison to them. They don't all end up as the bad child in school as I did or end up quick to fight as I did or avoid public spaces as I did. I saw a documentary on some Syrian children who managed to get themselves out to see fireworks despite the bangs reminding them of bombs.

Most recent therapist said I should stop trying to find a way to make it somehow disappear and instead learn to deal with the symptoms. Which I did and it helped massively.

However I still don't understand why this happens. Does it change something in the way your brain thinks? If so shouldn't you be able to rewire something there and change your way of thinking?
Well done if you managed to read all the way through.

tldr; what exactly does PTSD do to your brain or thought process to continue affecting somebody so many years after the events?
Why are some people so affected whilst others manage to somehow find a way to live at least a somewhat decent life? Is it to do with personality type or something more?

This is really good. It's so strange that as humans we cling onto bad memories or embarrassing moments but so easily forget the good. The same way you can be told you're clever or beautiful regularly for years but if somebody calls you stupid or ugly once you will forget the good comments and remember the one cruel comment forever.
This is why mindfulness diaries might be good, now I see why people like them haha.

We definitely get better at the things we practice. Paying attention to nice things means we start to automatically notice nice things. Paying attention to mistakes…

Actually a lot of neurodiverse behaviour would have gone under the radar in a world where people are the same food on the same day of the week! Roast on Sunday, cottage pie Monday, fish Friday, etc. also a really restricted range of foods.
Every day predictable, limited sensory stimulation.

*practise 🤭

Autopilot makes so much sense. But you eventually run out of adrenaline. And that can be catastrophic.

As other have said it is a filing error and EMDR can enable you to file correctly. I did it last year and it has been life changing. Was fascinating to discover which memories were holding me back. A very hard process to go through but so worth it.

Another recommendation for EMDR. I have just started mine and weirdly I can already feel that something has changed. It's like my brain is reprocessing memories and they don't feel as scary any more.

What happened to me wasn't really that bad in the general way but my brain just decided that it was very dangerous, even though it probably wasn't so I really empathise with the feeling that I don't really understand why I have PTSD.

Just popping in to second recommendations for The Body Keeps the Score and for undergoing EMDR. C-PTSD diagnosis here,

I'm a content and functioning human despite the trauma because of the way the EMDR and trauma based talking therapy helped me understand the the traumatic memories, the emotional impact of those and the physical impact of those had became detached from each other and kind of scattered across my brain. So other things were triggering the emotions that I felt during the trauma. Therapy helped me stick all the memories and feelings back together and file them away so they couldn't trigger me so much and so I could move on.

My body was in a state of perpetual alarm, and now it isn't. I'm not saying I'm over it or I've forgotten it, it's just that it's appropriately filed now.

Also - remember with a trigger that the feelings and reactions you feel are entirely proportional to the original trauma - even if they seem out of proportion to the trigger, this helped me with self compassion and forgiveness.

It's an interesting question. I've been through a few traumatic experiences and come out relatively complacent about it, or I've found it reasonably easy to put it out of my mind.

Another thing that happened though, I absolutely couldn't stop getting flashbacks, nightmares, panic attacks etc. Even now I'm over the worst of it, I can still get badly triggered or it randomly comes into my head.

I don't know why that particular thing affected me so badly when I've been through other things that are just as bad.

Yep it literally rewires the brain which is why EMDR works. My DH had it for a life threatening car crash and my brother for childhood trauma. Both found it really helpful. Definitely recommend.

Childhood trauma especially repeated trauma actually affects the brain's development and architecture - physiological changes. I don't know if you can ever make up for that. I have CPTSD because of my childhood and it shows up in emotional dysregulation and executive function creaks and groans. I shut down mentally when overwhelmed. I don't sit and dwell on things that happened but still get the effects. I also have regular PTSD symptoms - not easy but I have learned to go easy on myself.

Have you heard of structural dissociation which can be a result of Complex PTSD?
When you suffer trauma, your psyche splits into parts, one of which is the critical inner voice part.
This part was initially created by your mind as a defence mechanism to keep you from antagonising your parents who could have done you even worse harm.
When you realise that this part is a part of you and you talk to it and accept it, then it starts to integrate and you can start to heal.
Structural dissociation sounds complicated and scary but is actually quite straightforward when you read about it and discuss with a good therapist.
https://eggshelltherapy.com/a-split-in-our-personality/is a good website to read about structural dissociation.

Another book recommendation: Any Other Day by Leigh Sales.

it talks about people witnessing awful things eg terrorist attacks and why some people cope okay in the aftermath and other people do not

@Wtfptsd as per the previous posters I'd strongly recommend "The Body Keeps the Score". Even though I'd worked in the legal area for many years, and have had lots to training, conferences, workshops and so on, that book gave me a lot more understanding.

I read the book, but many people have told me that they much preferred to listen to the audio book version rather than reading. While reading the book people are inclined to jump to specific sections or skim to topics of interest, but listening to the audio book presents a much more coherent story. I;ve heard MANY people say that, so though it was worth mentioning.

Based on your post, I think you'll find the book a valuable read.

I think this is interesting as I also have cptsd but I think there's lots to consider. If you have had traumatic experiences through important developmental years, if you had adults even outside of the home that were supportive this can aid the child to have stability growing up. Also, children of war may have strong home foundations as a pp mentioned, but a lot of memories are buried in the unconscious and sometimes we don't know what's actually repressed as the brain does that to keep you 'safe'. I gave large gaps in my memory of childhood, like years worth, this worries me as I wonder what went on around them years for my brain to shut down. Psychodynamically speaking, ages 5-11 are the most important time for a child. If events occur between this time then it can have a ripple effect into adolescence, I think it's interesting when I personally look back and can note times in that time frame where things had a big impact on me. Also, don't underestimate your own trauma and think in comparison to someone else it wasn't as detrimental, because as I previously said there's so much to consider in an individual and what possible predisposition a child may have that leads to cptsd in later life. Your personal traumatic experience is different to someone else's xx

x

I heard Body Keeps The Score being criticised recently for its chapter on repressed memory (fully repressed memory isn't something we have evidence for, it turns out - it was a thing in the 90s). I haven't read the full book, it's towards the end of it. I found descriptions of how trauma might work at the start of the book we're useful for my own stuff and also found EMDR helpful (although I know it hasn't been for others, seems to be less clear cut for complex PTSD as a general observation and I think the person who came up with it was a wrong'un). As you can tell, I'm no expert - I just wanted to mention that the book isn't perfect. I don't think we actually know how PTSD memory (or any memory) is encoded in the brain. The current theory makes sense to me, I think I mostly like it, though it feels slightly the wrong shape. I file it under 'brains are weird and I'm glad mine got a bit less weird with help'.

I didn't have a good start to life. At all. However, I read a lot and I think that gave me empathy.

I don't think it's as easy as to say if you've had a good childhood you'll be okay. I think it's much more nuanced than that. The most unable to cope people that I know - some have had pretty solid childhood, some have not. Some have never actually had any 'proper' issues bit seem to have more issues than I'd expect.

I’m a mental health nurse working in secure mh services with women who have experienced significant trauma. Agree with posters re EMDR. Very tangible outcomes. If you can find a therapist PP then would recommend it.

It was definitely the beginning of the book that I read and thought YES!! this makes sense. I can’t recall the bit that you have referred to so I’ll have to dig my book out!