To ask if you could live in a building site permanently

[Biggybigbiggles]

Been with partner 3 years. Both extremely happy with each other. We split almost everything 50/50, chores and money. No complaints.

I was renting before we met. He was living at home still (big family house, very close to his work - family business which his dad owns).

Once we wanted to live together, I suggested we rent somewhere close to his work. He felt that would be a waste of money when there is ample room in the family home, so I agreed to move in as it made sense financially and I love his family.

We live in a small 2 bed on the end of the main house. Pay rent but a minimal amount while we renovate our own house we bought last year.

The problem I have is that both houses are a fucking tip and if does my head in. Both partner and his dad borderline refuse to get workmen in as they can do it themselves (tradies) but never actually do the work as they're both busy running the business. So it's this endless loop of nothing ever being done.

Main family house has been half finished for 25 years. Think no flooring, 2 bathrooms started and never finished, steps into rooms that are rubble with towels covering them as they've been started and then left.

The house we live in now has holes in the ceiling where there has been flooding but never patched, the dining room has wooden floor with bits missing so just open rubble, stuff everywhere like tools, boxes etc. The kitchen is half done where partner said he'd renovate it as a thank you for letting us live here and then he just stopped.

The outside of the house isn't much better, bits of wood every where, tools. There is just so much to do.

I have visions of our own house being the same. Partner is doing everything single handedly with help from me when I can do the work.

Some days I feel like walking out and renting a finished place of my own.

No, I couldn't live like that. We had professionals to renovate our house whilst we lived in it and it was hell. And that was just on a temporary basis. I'd be looking to move out because I could not handle living like that permanently.

Well without wanting to do an "I told you so", clearly you saw the state of these places before you decided to move in together. Maybe the fact that you moved in was the indication to them that you were OK living in a place that was a state.

Everyone has different standards that they are prepared to tolerate.

Only you can really answer the question whether this issue is worth terminating your relationship (or at least current living conditions) for.

Everyone else's requirements are irrelevant. Even if you do get a 1000 people saying no way would I live like that, or 1000 that would say they would.

This. It’s irrelevant whether anyone else would find it tolerable or not.

Though presumably you agreed to move in? Are you saying that your own house that you own and plan to move into is also a building site with no progression? Surely you get an equal say in actually hiring tradesmen to move work ahead?

I think with this one, you have no had experience of what one way of living is like. You now need to have a good think, decide on your boundaries and enforce them.

Either your partner loves you enough to see it your way and you have a future together or he lives like his father does and you are expected to live as his mother has always done in which case you may not be compatible at all and then it becomes another whole conversation.

If this is how his father has always allowed his house to be, you might need to put some effort into making dp see that there are other ways of living that are nicer.

You need to be realistic about who you are. I am not made for chaos and I like to feel clean and organised. If you’re like me, don’t do it because it’ll break you.

I did this for 6 months as our house was a major project (back to brick, structural issues, require, new heating system, etc) and it was hell.

We had professionals in to do the big complicated jobs but they were overbooked and flakey. I used to sit crying at night because I couldn’t sleep and I ended up off work for a few weeks with stress.

There’s really basic stuff you take for granted that sent me mad over time - having somewhere to sit down other than your bed, having a bathroom door so you have privacy on your period, remaining semi clean when you leave the bathroom after a shower. I work from home too so there was no respite.

I now live in a house where no room is finished, many are still bare plaster, but it’s all liveable at least. We have no more money to pay trades so it’s DIY for everything that isn’t highly skilled. My partner just isn’t a finisher and he can tolerate living in a hovel so it’s challenging to say the least!!

I’m resigned now to having to do a huge amount of DIY tasks that I wasn’t expecting to do and aren’t within my skill set. I wouldn’t do it again, it consumes nearly all my time and money. I still very much love my partner but renovation life is not for me.

I grew up in a house like that because my mum couldn't stand up to my dad. I studied for exams with no heating or electric. Really damaged my rship with them.

Petrocelli did, albeit he was in a caravan on site.

I don't even know what a solution would look like. Leaving is not a question, we love each other very much and this is my only gripe.

He works long hours, around 60 a week for his dad, 6 days a week (a lot of this comes from his sense of loyalty) and the other day he works on our own house, on his own (with me doing the bits that I'm able).

His dad is the issue in my head, I feel bad but a lot of the time I resent him. He often makes jabs at my partner if God forbid he takes any time off, doesn't even have him on the books as Manager when he single handedly keeps the show going and pays him a pittance in relation to what he does.

So I feel like a dick for moaning when he quite literally couldn't be working harder.

How much can you do? I would do 90% of it myself using YouTube just to get it done. I would leave DH to gas/electric.

Absolutely not!

You must have realised this would happen when you saw how the family operate and their house is an unfinished tip?

Unfortunately unless you draw a very clear line then this won’t change. It’s his normal.

How do you think you could move this forward? Could you afford to pay for the work to the house you own? Extend the mortgage or have your DP take time away from his day job to focus on it? It is quite literally not going to do itself and he doesn’t have time. He can’t dispute that.

This is definitely true - YouTube is a godsend and there’s definitely a fair bit you can do yourself. I was amazed how much I could do once I got going. I took most of our house back to brick with an SDS hammer and ripped out a whole bathroom!!

The only things I don’t do now are fiddly jobs or cutting/making things (skirting, coving, tiling, etc). I’m not very good at maths, measuring or angles and I have poor hand eye coordination.