My 13 yr old son has just told me he has been bullied

[justforthisagain]

For the last six months..
I am sick to my stomach and need guidance and wondering if I am being too hasty or unreasonable in my initial reactions about my intended plan of action with the school.

For context ...
We are in Ireland so he is in first year of secondary school.
He has always been very anxious and has had trauma ( all diagnosed. Recently) since Dad left abruptly four years ago.

Dad , towards the end of the marriage became critical, nit picking and verbally aggressive towards us all , all I expect due in part to his ongoing affair ( which I had no idea about) . I removed my children from his nasty ways and we moved out.

Son has always been clingy, anxious and angry.These behaviours have escalated since then.

With many interventions he has made great progress.

However a few months ago he started refusing school and crying a lot. He wouldn't leave the house at weekends . I rang the school to see if they'd noticed anything.
They said he was always in great form, hanging around with a group , no issues.I know he is a follower and that's perfectly fine but he has no firm friend.

I knew from him that one of the classes was bananas .. kids throwing things around, rude and cheeky to teacher , complete loss of control and regular visits to class by the deputies and year head.

The same names kept popping up.
I advised to keep away from them, do his work, chat with others etc.

He told me last night that the ringleader of this little group told him he had a squeaky voice, to deepen it and slapped him across the face, out on the grounds in October.
This coincides with bed wetting and one episode of soiling himself.

The ringleaders friend regularly throw his stuff around and shout at him. The ringleader has now taken to throwing his arm around him in a jokey way everytime he sees my son, in an intimidating way. The rest of the group just snigger .

My sons escalated anxious behaviours make sense .
I cannot tell Dad yet as he will possibly completely over react and attack.

So I've read the policy just there and it's vague. The school have a good rep for dealing with bullying.

This bully has ADHD but I don't accept it as an excuse for bullying under any circumstances but it seems that he has got away with a lot due to this.
My argument is that of ADHD is an excuse for his behaviour, he needs monitoring and supervision at all times.

My initial reaction of course is to track this thug down and deal with him myself but of course that's just instinct.

My son is petrified of him and that group . He is begging me not to mention names to the school but wants it to sti. He cries every day in the bathrooms.
He is adamant that it is not made formal or public as his life would be made unbearable, which it would. His parents don't give a shit.

I want to ring school and tell Deputy all of this is first thing this morning . I want it dealt with but making sure my son is not made a scapegoat for this arseholes behaviour or that my sons name will not be mentioned .
This boy is in constant trouble and has been suspended twice already.
My initial reaction is that I don't want anything formalised yet.
This , ironcally, is to protect my child.
The bully's parents are known to have their sons back at all costs, so I am at nothing here.

It's a small town and this bully holds sway so my instinct is to protect my child both now but also the future .
What will I do here??
Please...

This is a toughie.

Ultimately, it jay be safest/ easiest/ less traumatic for you to move your child to a different school.

You need to mention the problems to school, though surely they are not blind and know there are problems! But also respect your son's concerns - it sounds like the bully is out of control and the teachers for not knowing how to manage him, so your son may be legitimately worried about reprisals.

Could you ask again, without saying you know who the bully is, if there are any issues in school? Talk about how your son is afraid and anxious + ask if something has happened, could they monitor for any possible bullying? But to not single your son out further.

I look after discipline in my school and I am urging you to contact the school. Lots of potential bullying incidents take place when there's no teacher around; at lockers, etc, so can be hard to pick up. Occasionally we get a lucky break - a teacher sees something, a student lets slip something, we catch a look between the students. Contact his Year Head this morning - it's their job to sort this out.

If it's any reassurance, I've dealt with many of these incidents in my career - when the incidents come to light it usually gets sorted pretty quickly. Don't let your son suffer any longer. Contact the school today - they will be very supportive.

Your son deserves to go to school feeling happy and safe. Definitely contact the school and ask them what they are going to do to keep your son safe.

I have dealt with bullying from a few different angles. I was bullied myself at school, my sons have been bullied on occasions, and on other occasions have bullied others. I won't have it either way. I won't have them being bullied, and I won't have them being bullies either.

Sorry that you and your son are going through this. It's a really awful situation. Hope the school stamp this behaviour out 💐

I would also encourage you to speak to the school today and make sure they are aware of everything that has happened inside & outside school. The school needs to know everything so that they can deal with it properly.

You mention you want school to keep your son’s name out of it. I’m not sure how that would work, but definitely explain to school that your son is worried about reprisals. I think it is common for victims of bullying to worry about that, & to feel ashamed that they have been targeted. These are the feelings that stop victims coming forward & allow bullies to get away with their behaviour. @Flufferblub is right, your son deserves to feel safe & happy at school - tell him this & make sure he knows to speak up and take any incidents to a teacher as soon as it happens.

My son was targeted at school last year (aged 13) by a boy who would physically attack him and taunt at every opportunity. Luckily he told me & his teachers very quickly, and school dealt with this child very firmly & the bullying stopped.

Wishing you & your son all the best. I hope this is resolved quickly for your son. Just as an aside it might be worth encouraging your son to look at lunchtime clubs at school to see if there is anything he is interested in going to. This worked really well for my son as it gave him a break from the playground and he made some new friends.

Thank you all so much. I will update later today.

This is so tough poor lad, my heart goes out to you and your son.
My son got bullied in primary school in final two years, very sly leaving him out and when he would join in they would walk off and cursing him if he missed a goal, told the school it took a long time to sort out ( as done so slyly), he also bed wetted and the horrible feeling I still have ( 6/7 years later) thinking about when he told me and was crying in bed saying didn’t want to go in.

He changed from very outgoing to a quiet lad but he is very happy at school has group of friends he doesn’t overly socialise with them.

I found out through friend that the school does has a counselling fund and my son did about 6 sessions when he was in 3rd year as he came to me saying he felt sad but hadn’t any reason to.

It was the best thing ever TG he has been fine since.

I would say to keep talking to him, definitely go into the school, get appointment during school hours when in class or afterwards, I too was/am a separated mum with a v angry/moody ex husband.

Is there a uncle/ god Father figure that he is close to, get them to spend extra time/chat with him, if he could take on martial arts and/or another hobby that will boost his confidence and self esteem.

Sending you both my best wishes, keep ye in my thoughts and prayers, keep fighting for your son, remind he that he is equally as important and special as everyone else and to try and say why are ye bullying me ( easier said that done I know)
🥰

Hope you got on OK @justforthisagain

Thanks.
I contacted the school and told them everything. The deputy was horrified but acted immediately.
My son is no longer taking that subject as I feel that it t is more important for his mental health than to achieve academically at that subject which he hates and does badly at ,anyway.
I explained that I do not accept violence or bullying as an excuse re ADHD. It simply isn't part of it as these behaviours are deliberate and we know that deliberate behaviours do not feature across the ADHD profile. I also asked why said child does not have constant supervision considering his form for these behaviours with others esp in view of his ADHD .
Anyway it ended well. She will ring me today. I've emailed the specific teachers also as it's a huge school and I want to make sure nothing is lost in translation or communication.
My son is relieved and feels more confident now.
I explained that I wanted that child kept very far away from my son at all times.
Hopefully, things will settle.
I cannot contact his parents as I know that his parents think his behaviours and m' messing' and cheek are funny . They simply back him all the way , all the time by all accounts.

Wow. You are a brilliant mother. It couldn't have been handled better. You are completely right about ADHD - it is no excuse for bullying.

I am so glad of this outcome. A good school will always handle these situations well. But your son will have been impacted by this. I'd still do some gentle work with him to convince him that this in no way reflects on him - it doesn't make him a 'victim' type. It doesn't mean he's an easy target or unlikeable and it is absolutely vital that he never gets his sense of self from people who put him down. His sense of his own self worth, his value, his personality, likeability and agency in the world all come from him, from his own self-confidence and self-belief. And if he needs some boosters to these after such a horrible experience, help him find some and work on his confidence until it is shatterproof.

I really do t know how to work on his confidence . His self esteemi is so low. He is deeply traumatised by his dad leaving and his disinterest in Our children. He also has anxiety for all of his young life . I don't know where to turn anymore . He's had so much therapy and treatments . It's heartbreaking .

I know. It eats at you. I did so much work on boosting DS2's rock bottom self esteem so I have a lot of tips. I have PM'd some to you. There are more!

Glad to hear all went well with school, sounds very positive. I hope your son is feeling better soon, I’m sure he must be relieved. Confidence & self esteem take time to build, but speaking up about his bullying is a big step in the right direction and you having his back at school is going to add to his self worth & confidence too. 👍

Delighted you contacted the school and it went well. Do you know any student in 5th or 6th year? I know when my son was I'm 6th year I was asked if he'd keep an eye on a younger child who was being bullied, he and his mates basically formed a friendship group for the child, they made sure he was with them during breaks and that he was seen with them. It worked, all bullying stopped and the child self esteem soared.

Is there another school you could move him to. It sounds as if this bully is terrifying your poor boy. If he were my son I'd get him out of that school and into somewhere else.

I was bullies in school and I wish my mum moved me

Could he join a few clubs out of school to try to make some friends? It would also take his mind off the bullying and raise his self esteem, especially if he becomes good at something.