Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Worried about toddler’s behaviour

32 replies

themoonisacrescent · 21/02/2024 21:28

My almost 4 year old dd seems to be showing signs of obsessive behaviour but I don’t know if I am overacting.

There has been a few instances when she asks to “start at the beginnjng”.

For example, tonight I gave her a shower, changed her into her pjs and she then went to see her dad in the living room. After a short while, I called her into the bedroom for bedtime which she ignored. I gave her a final warning and eventually picked her up from the living room and brought her into the bedroom. At this point she was grumpy and on the verge of crying.

She calmed down a bit and was about to switch off the lights but instead of doing so, she asked to start from the beginning, which would have meant her going back to the living room and walking by herself to the bedroom before switching off the lights.

This has happened a few times in the past and to avoid tantrums, we’ve always given in but this time I told her no, which ended in sobbing and anger.

After lots of distractions and cuddles, she slept off but I don’t know if I handled it well.

I had already warned her after previous episodes that we are no longer doing “from the beginning” as a way to change this pattern of behaviour.

Her dad told her that if she is in a race and she has to go back to start at the beginning, she will never finish the race, which seemed to appease her.

I don’t even know what I’m asking here. I have requested to speak to a health visitor and they are yet to call back, but in the meanwhile, has anyone experienced this with their toddlers?

Is this a normal part of growing up or should we be worried?

Should we let her get on with it going forward?

OP posts:
Mischance · 21/02/2024 21:29

Sounds like delaying tactics rather than obsessional behaviour. Little monkey!

HappierTimesAhead · 21/02/2024 21:30

From this example alone I would say very normal behaviour which is just about having control and in this case, delaying bedtime!

Slanketblanket · 21/02/2024 21:31

Is a 4yo a toddler?

Anyway, yes delaying tactics. They'll get you looking through books of paint samples just to delay bedtime by 5 mins.

stophummingthecancan · 21/02/2024 21:32

What you've written honestly doesn't sound that unusual to me.

Kindofcrunchy · 21/02/2024 21:33

Completely normal lol. Just put your foot down and she'll realise there's no messing about!

TheSnowyOwl · 21/02/2024 21:33

Sounds normal to me.

PixelFloyd · 21/02/2024 21:34

And maybe she wants to try again, so she can do it the way she knows she’s supposed to and not end up becoming grumpy/sad this time? Like a re-set! Plus all part of the trying to have control thing which is very normal at this age.

Cascais · 21/02/2024 21:34

It sounds quite normal!

Conniethecatapillar · 21/02/2024 21:36

My daughter used to do this. 4 was a tough age I still have PTSD from it! One time she wanted to go back and re trace her steps when we were walking somewhere so that she could walk on every single drain and then came the most epic of all tantrums, it was quite something and I had to apologise to the Chinese takeaway it was that bad.

HappierTimesAhead · 21/02/2024 21:37

At 4 my now 5 year old would regularly want me to start the bedtime routine again if I had done even a little bit of it 'wrong'. It was a balancing act working out when to give him a bit of power and control (for example reading a page of the book again)and when to be clear that it's time to GO TO SLEEP!!!

Didimum · 21/02/2024 21:39

Sounds normal. My now 6 year old does similar and has done for years!

Original poster
themoonisacrescent · 21/02/2024 21:44

It worries me as she has never cried this hard before. Sobbing and unable to speak. She is usually a gentle child but tonight, she was so angry that she tried to pull the night light plug from the socket.

And she said - I just want to start from the beginning. Just one last time please mummy.

It wasn’t a case of trying to delay bedtime. More like she really wanted to reset.

OP posts:
Original poster
themoonisacrescent · 21/02/2024 21:46

Or has it in her head that things should be done the right way.

OP posts:
InTheRainOnATrain · 21/02/2024 21:58

She’s not a toddler and it sounds like just standard delaying, not wanting to go to bed, bring reinforced by the fact you’ve given in before. A calm consistent bedtime routine would likely help e.g. shower, PJs, then into bed for 2 stories and you both say goodnight. My 3YO said beginning a few times at bedtime today too, in reference to wanting to start a story over. He napped today when he doesn’t normally so wasn’t that tired at bedtime. He also requested apple juice, needed a wee twice, said he was hungry and hid in his teepee. Classic preschooler 🤣 Don’t read into it.

HappierTimesAhead · 21/02/2024 22:01

themoonisacrescent · 21/02/2024 21:44

It worries me as she has never cried this hard before. Sobbing and unable to speak. She is usually a gentle child but tonight, she was so angry that she tried to pull the night light plug from the socket.

And she said - I just want to start from the beginning. Just one last time please mummy.

It wasn’t a case of trying to delay bedtime. More like she really wanted to reset.

Pulling a plug out of the socket is quite mild in comparison to my two who, at times, have thrown stuff at me when I didn't 'start at the beginning'! Shouting/Screaming/Uncontrollable sobbing is quite a common occurrence for lots of children.

Notimeforaname · 21/02/2024 22:05

I think you're worrying about nothing op. I agree with all pps, it just sounds like she's delaying things or trying to distract you from telling her off.

The crying will be her not getting her own way. Your child doesn't have ocd. I'd bet my life on it.

Original poster
themoonisacrescent · 21/02/2024 22:28

To all of you who have responded - thank you very much for taking the time to do so. I really appreciate it and can now see sense. Sobbing always makes me feel guilty 🫣

OP posts:
HappierTimesAhead · 21/02/2024 22:36

themoonisacrescent · 21/02/2024 22:28

To all of you who have responded - thank you very much for taking the time to do so. I really appreciate it and can now see sense. Sobbing always makes me feel guilty 🫣

It's so hard to know what is normal! Motherhood is the wildest ride and little ones really push us to our limits. Bedtime pushes me to my limits daily 😂

Sticksareforlookingat · 21/02/2024 22:38

Bless her, maybe she just wanted to get things right. A little do-over.

If it happens again I would reassure her with a big cuddle and say she doesn't need to do it again from the beginning because mummy and daddy are not cross with her and everything is ok now.

Then I would say "why don't we pretend to go back to the beginning?" And you can talk it through without actually doing it. In this way she gets to say what she should have done (i.e., listen to mummy and come to her bedroom straight away) and you can talk it through so she can imagine going back to the beginning.

This is a good technique for dealing with children's nightmares (talking the nightmare through but changing a detail to make it not scary anymore) so I think it would help her to process her desire to go "back to the beginning" and make things right.

This is the same as we do as adults. If something went wrong in my day I can't go back and do it again. So I talk it through with my husband or a friend. We all need to be able to process things this way or we mull over them endlessly, obsessing and becoming upset. She'll soon get into the way of "let's pretend to go back to the beginning". It will help her process and stop worrying and will also lay a foundation for her talking to you about her worries as she gets older.

Vgbeat · 21/02/2024 22:42

Very normal. Every trick to delay going ro bed but also lots of kids especially this age want things to be on there terms and as she didn't get to go as she wants then wants to do it again her way.

Everydayimhuffling · 21/02/2024 22:43

My two (3 and 5) have done similar things. I also find that they easily get totally distraught at bedtime when anything doesn't go their way or if some small thing is "wrong" like they don't have the water bottle they want. I tend to go with it if it's small or something easy to do fix. I think a lot of it is just tiredness really.

On a side note, I think slightly obsessive behaviour is quite normal. I would only worry if it had some bad consequence in their mind. So, for example, totally normal to want to avoid all the cracks in the pavement but not normal to think something terrible will happen if you don't. That's what I would watch out for.

NoliteTeBastardesCarborundorum · 21/02/2024 22:50

I know exactly what you mean and it's not just procrastination, they get incredibly invested and emotional about it. My DS went through a long phase around age 4 of saying 'we're going to have to start [the day/bath/getting dressed] all over again'. He still does occasionally at 5. Sometimes it worked to call his bluff eg see exactly how he wanted to start the day again. But mainly distraction and waiting for the phase to end! A friend's child also did the same. Both hers and mine are very sensitive.

Bobskeleton · 21/02/2024 22:56

To me it sounds like a delaying tactic. Maybe her outburst tonight was simply down to being tired?

I wouldn't worry too much.

Pinkpromise · 21/02/2024 23:26

Could she have heard this from a teacher in nursery or school?
I recall if my son did something at school like running to the door instead of walking or if he flung his coat down instead of hanging it up he would be told to go back and start over again.
Abyway, it doesn’t sound worrying to me either.

TealPoet · 21/02/2024 23:27

I’m going to go against the grain and say you might be right to be concerned. I have diagnosed OCD and whilst I never did exactly this, I do recognise that a lot of my childhood behaviours which were ignored/laughed off were definitely symptoms of this. Had they been identified earlier, it’s possible I could have been spared a major breakdown as an adult.

I’m definitely not saying you should worry or assume something is wrong, but it’s worth talking to the HV and keeping an eye out for any other obsessive symptoms.