Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Needy friend

17 replies

Sara93 · 21/02/2024 15:46

I need some perspectives here…

I have a friend who I’ve been distant friends with since school. She’s always been quite hard work, has strong opinions on everything, and likes to constantly question everything I say/do which tbh I find quite challenging at times, but she is overall a kind person.

We connected a bit more a couple of years ago as she has become close with one of my best friends and I heard she was having a hard time and was down, so I reached out and upped the contact to support her.

Since then, I’ve moved to the town she lives in, and she is now expecting to see me every few days and gets huffy with me if I don’t contact her regularly enough. She will tell people ‘I’m useless unless she has pre-organised plans with me at least a week in advance.’ This has been said in front of me a few times with an eye roll!

I’m slightly introverted and juggling a demanding job with a long commute, spending time with my family, husband, pets, and lots of other friends alongside a full house renovation. She doesn't understand that when I have a couple of hours free I need to have a bit of downtime, do some cleaning or even watch a bit of TV!

When I leave after seeing her, she will ask me to do something again in a couple of days and when I let her know that I am busy for the next few days she gets a bit arsy. I can’t work out if I’m being unkind to someone who is trying to be a good friend. I’m feeling guilty but also quite pissed off that she won’t respect me when I say I’m busy and that she feels that I owe her so much time. I’m not enjoying her company anymore as I feel quite resentful.

I know she has a good group of other friends because she will give me a detailed update of her week when I see her with ‘I spent 9 hours with x friend last week on Saturday and then saw them again on Sunday!’ But she is single and doesn’t see much of her family.

Aibu to feel a bit resentful of her expectation to see me so much or am I being ungrateful?

OP posts:
GalileoHumpkins · 21/02/2024 15:57

Bin her off, anyone who rolled their eyes and called me useless in front of other people would be getting short shrift.

NotQuiteNorma · 21/02/2024 16:08

These people are usually called high maintenance. They are a drain on your energy and you need to limit the time you spend around them because they'll take every last second of your time. They are quite selfish and think only of their own needs. They aren't interested in your need for time to yourself. Decide if this is really for you.

KnowledgeableMomma · 21/02/2024 16:09

Yikes. YANBU. Time to exit this friendship. Next time she says how useless of a friend you are just say, "Gosh, guess there's no reason for you us to hang out anymore....seeing as how I'm so useless and all". In all seriousness, next time she's pissy with you, tell her firmly that you spend as much time as you can with her but you also have other family, people, and interests in your life and can't live in her coat pocket. Then just stop contacting her.

Createausername1970 · 21/02/2024 16:14

From your description, you are fulfilling her need to have constant attention/company which is not the same as a friendship which ebbs and flows. You are being used.

I would reduce contact and also be politely blunt that you don't have the same amount of free time as she does and unfortunately you are pretty much tied up for the next couple of months.

Original poster
Sara93 · 21/02/2024 16:22

Thanks for all your comments - reassuring to know that I'm not being irrational. She tells me that it's so nice spending time together whenever I see her which makes me feel guilty that I'm feeling resentful.

OP posts:
Original poster
Sara93 · 21/02/2024 16:23

Createausername1970 · 21/02/2024 16:14

From your description, you are fulfilling her need to have constant attention/company which is not the same as a friendship which ebbs and flows. You are being used.

I would reduce contact and also be politely blunt that you don't have the same amount of free time as she does and unfortunately you are pretty much tied up for the next couple of months.

Thanks. Yeah, it does feel like I'm being used sometimes!

OP posts:
Offcom · 21/02/2024 16:49

I imagine in her mind she's just being honest by letting you know she's unhappy when you turn her down. But it sounds as though you experience her irritation as an attempt to make you feel bad for the choice you've made.

I voted you're not being unreasonable because I totally relate to feeling resentful at her expectations. I'm definitely not one for bluntly telling people... anything, really. Maybe you are (if so, tell me how, please!) But if not, it could be interesting to try a different narrative in your head the next time she's annoyed when you say no. What if you told yourself something like: "She's entitled to express her feelings, just as I am entitled to choose how I spend my time"?

Wishimaywishimight · 21/02/2024 16:57

I would run a mile from a "friend" who demanded this much attention and as for telling people in front of me that I am "useless"! I would have said "I beg your pardon?" and let her explain herself. She is acting as though you are beholden to her somehow.

I just would not put up with this and would very much distance myself.

OrderOfTheKookaburra · 21/02/2024 17:24

Sounds like she doesn't like ever being on her own!

You need to be clear with her. "You need to stop with these guilt trips, because I really don't appreciate them. I have a busy job, a husband and children and a household to run, which takes up most of my time. Then what's left gets taken up with lots of different friends, and actually, I quite like to have time to myself at times too!"

Original poster
Sara93 · 21/02/2024 17:53

OrderOfTheKookaburra · 21/02/2024 17:24

Sounds like she doesn't like ever being on her own!

You need to be clear with her. "You need to stop with these guilt trips, because I really don't appreciate them. I have a busy job, a husband and children and a household to run, which takes up most of my time. Then what's left gets taken up with lots of different friends, and actually, I quite like to have time to myself at times too!"

Yeah, I think she struggles to be alone. Thanks for the suggestion!

OP posts:
LakeTiticaca · 21/02/2024 18:17

She sounds clingy and insecure. People like this just suck the joy our of everything.

Step away and take back control of your own time x

Porfirio · 21/02/2024 20:25

What is she bringing to your life other than pestering you to spend time with her?

Bin her.

Fionaville · 22/02/2024 18:23

Ooh that would drive me crackers. I couldnt have such a demanding friend, I don't have the time or inclination to spend so much time with a friend.
Which is why an old school friend of mine blocked and dropped me. I wasn't available enough. She was single too and didn't have children, so couldn't understand that I couldn't or wouldn't spend a large chunk of my week socialising with her.

TheSnowyOwl · 22/02/2024 18:29

I’d back right off.

Notamum12345577 · 22/02/2024 22:08

@GalileoHumpkins She didn’t, she (the friend) called herself useless (well that’s what the OP said)

Rosestulips · 22/02/2024 22:12

She sounds as if she’s scared of being left in her own company.

I’d slowly start ‘weaning her off’ her dependency on you

Mamabear487 · 23/02/2024 08:37

Duck that. I see my friends maybe once at a push twice a month

New posts on this thread. Refresh page