Relationship degrees of seriousness/committedness

[GilbertBlytheWouldGetIt]

A recent conversation with someone has made me wonder whether my perspective is unusual.
To me, relationships have degrees of seriousness or committment.
Dating
Boyfriend & girlfriend (or boyfriend & boyfriend, girlfriend & girlfriend)
Cohabiting partners
Engaged
Married

However the person I was speaking to disagrees and thinks the above don't make a difference in how committed a couple might be.

I sort of see their point - but also think I'm right!
Am I being overly simplistic?

I think the biggest jump is into cohabiting partners. Once you’ve lived together for several years, it doesn’t make much difference if you’re married or not as to the ‘depth’ of your relationship. I suppose marriage is more of a financial commitment.

Hmm. I cohabit, but have no intention of getting married. I am 100% committed to my partner for life, exclusively.

So, I’d say it depends on the couple!

It's easier to walk away when cohabiting than when married though - not easy per se, but easier. I need to refine that one though, obviously harder if you buy a place together.

There have been numerous threads discussing the issue of "partner" and what that entails, with many posters saying a non-cohabiting couple aren't that serious. But I think these days with so many people forming relationships post divorce and kids, it's eminently sensible if you want to avoid the whole blended family issue or simply wary of combined finances. I'm 8 years in with my partner and it's very serious. We talk about and plan a future together but we won't be cohabiting until all kids are settled independently and we will not be throwing all out finances together. We've both been badly affected by the divorce experience and value our independence and autonomy. But we support and help and love each other.

I think there are many more categories and overlaps that affect commitment. Co-purchasing, any action ending in a child, and Married are all very big steps that need lots of unpicking if started. That said, a childless couple renting who are fully emotionally committed for life are still more committed than a married couple with a child and house who have one partner planning an exit.

Date
Exclusively date
Cohabit
Co-purchase home
Agree to be together for life
Engaged
Shared finances, mirror wills etc
Expecting a child
Have a child
Foster a child
Adopt a child
Married
Grandparenting

Then of course you have the flip side with having affairs, separated, co-parenting, in mediation, divorced...

Where does cohabiting with children fit in? @GilbertBlytheWouldGetIt

Having a child with someone is way more of a commitment than anything else- you can sell a house, divorce, and never speak again. Co-parenting is something you’re stuck with, and too many people don’t think that through properly, leading to a lot of misery for everyone involved. And that’s the same for adoption and biological children- they shouldn’t be considered differently. If anything, you owe more commitment to an adopted child because they are more vulnerable.

I agree with the other person. You can be married, and absolutely fucking hate each other. But it makes practical sense to stick around or it's just too much effort to break up. That's not commitment. That's laziness.

You can also have a child with someone, but not live together. Or be in a committed long term relationship but choose to live apart and so on.

I think the idea that relationships are some sort of linear progression and that if you are married you've completed 'the game' causes a lot of people a lot of issues.

We own a house. We have joint wills, POA, massively entangled lives. It wouldn’t be easy to walk away. But I don’t think the difficulty (or expense) of unpicking a relationship directly equates to the commitment of it. My uncle has been married 4 times. He views marriage as an interlude, not a permanence 😂

Totally agree with your last paragraph here. I have a colleague who is desperate to be married and “achieve” that level of commitment, and she has stuck with a few very obviously awful people because she thought if they married her it would mean she’d found “the one” and it would fix all of her life/relationship problems. She’s so lovely, and she deserves someone wonderful rather than fretting she’s on some sort of shelf being unmarried at 38.

I find it odd that some people call their boy/girlfriends 'partners' after a month of dating.