AIBU to think a lot of men want a mother figure not a relationship?

[Supernova23]

I’ve been single for over a year now. My last relationship also made me think this, in that some men don't transition between the teenage boy phase and a man. My ex would job hop the moment he got bored or something didn’t go his way and sulk like a teenager. His hobbies were sitting on his games with his head set on, smoking weed, and getting drunk. All of that which quickly gave me the ick.

I have friends that are in this situation too. The man is all perfect until he gets his feet under the door and then starts to show his true colours. He wants someone to cook his dinner and wash his skiddy pants but not have an actual adult relationship with while he gets pissed at the pub. Then when kids come along, the woman does most of the work while he’s “too tired” and slobs on the sofa.

Is this “man child” thing a relatively new phenomenon or am I missing something?

Some men maybe. It doesn’t reflect my experience.

I would have said it was an older person's thing - men go out to work for 40-50 hours and then deeming themselves exempt from housework or childcare is something that's slowly becoming more unaccepable, especially among younger people (very slowly, and when kids come in the picture it's somehow still seen as acceptable for him to do his 40 hours and a SAHM to be on 24/7 because he's 'paying for her to stay at home'... by saving 1000s on childcare)

Sorry, realised I wasn't clear - as in, I actually think there's less of it about these days, as in times gone by it wasn't seen as 'man child' behaviour it was presented as 'well he works HARD to PROVIDE why should he have to do anything other than that??'

Some men are definitely like that. But plenty aren't. I don't think it's a new phenomenon though. Men historically didn't lift a finger at home - women did all the cooking, cleaning, childcare etc. Men went out to work and relaxed when they got home. And their social life was spent with other men.

When I dated a 50 year old man, absolutely, he'd whinge if I asked him to put his own clothes in the washing basket, it was like having a teenage son.

Now I date a 29 year old and he's not that way at all. Funnily enough, he seems less mature, he's more playful and jovial, but he's more mature in the sense that he considers himself an equal adult in our house.

Women are like that too though, had I not gotten married or had kids I’d have been happy to be a woman child, stay at home and do what I wanted, work jobs I wanted to be in (not do drugs but I’d have kept going out) Totally not a man thing, just a personality thing. Ye just weren’t suited

Just as many as there are women with "daddy issues" of variable degree.

I think the important thing here is "had I not gotten married or had kids". Lots if people of both sexes are like that in there teens and 20's, but once the demands of adult life arrive, then women tend to 'grow up' whereas a significant amount of men don't seem to.

Not my experience.
Yes, I do the vast majority of housework but this is because my "tired after a day of taking calls in front of a laptop at home" is different from his "being tired after 10 hours on a building site". I actually did go and help him out once over the weekend at work and, although I have been given "easy jobs" I still was dead after 8h. I don't want or need him to do anything except get himself home safely, shower and put his clothes in a laundry basket.
On the weekend, he does plenty including cooking, cleaning, laundry, entertaining the kiddo and me, planning family trips. He is also in sole charge of all the family admin. And he pays 75% of all the bills. Seems quite fair to me.
I have never been with a gamer or dope smoker so can't comment.

There are plenty inept adults of both sexes. The key is to spot the ineptitude before you tie yourself to them financially/by having children. And by teaching our children how to spot them so they eventually die out.

Having been on mumsnet many years OP, yes it does seem relatively common from many of the posts on the relationships board. Other men are available though.

Don't fall in love so early then, clock on to their lifestyle a bit.

I've not had a man child tbh. I wouldn't tolerate it.

Exactly this.

My DH (2nd time around) is all about his experience with me as his best friend, lover, confidant, and then wife!

To give you an idea, he does ALL the DIY. He's very talented, and it's part of how he unwinds. It's a strength.

I LOVE to cook. It's how I unwind.

Neither of these things are to do with our gender or 'perceived' roles. We just enjoy these aspects.

He also loves yoga, adrenaline fueled experiences, globe trotting whenever he can, theatre, is very spiritual, and he'll talk to anyone and everyone.

I, on the other hand, am not a fan of people in general, cannot abide yoga (no issues with anyone that enjoys it), I am a runner, and do weights. My idea of a good 'show' is a horror movie like Paranormal Activity, I look to science for my answers, and I do not enjoy bungee jumping.

We are both so different, but what bonds us is how we feel about one another. He's not my 'son' - we have far too much sex, are equals, and respect one another as such for that to ever be something I'd feel is even remotely part of our equation.

I think that's the key. Our time outside of the things we HAVE to do is geared towards being with one another. No one goes off to the pub while the other 'stays at home'.

These men definitely do exist, but I’m afraid I wouldn’t be in a relationship (let alone marry or have kids) with someone who games, smokes weed and drinks as his main hobbies.

If all women just avoided these types
of men then they would be forced to change/grow up!

It's easy to vet for these things in partner now you know what to look for? Problem solved?

My dp is nothing like that and he's 57.

I don't spend time with weed smokers, cocaine takers or drunks. Not judging but also not interested. Contrary to media belief, this really doesn't reduce my choice very much.

Dp does game but it's mostly tabletop games and it doesn't affect his ability to participate in life. The question with any pastime is whether it impinges negatively on you imo.

I don't understand women who know their dp is a bit of a dead beat then has a dc thinking they will suddenly change and get on board, or think having a baby will mend the problems in the relationship.

I've not had a man child and I think taking things slowly not moving in together early and not letting bad habits get established helps. I'm wary of the sort of man who wants to cohabit early. I also think some women go overboard on the people pleasing early on so it's not surprising the bloke involved starts to expect that.

Yes I've seen a lot of men who want the mother figure at home but sleaze away at other women.

If women want better from their partners they need to expect and insist upon better from their sons. Teenagers unable to do their own washing, cook a meal, expecting parents to organise their university accommodation and buy them underwear won’t suddenly morph into considerate, respectful adults.

At 18-20 there are probably a large number of equally inept men and women. As a young adult, I enjoyed slobbing, lazing and having my laundry done and being cooked for by my mum.

Something happens particularly when women have children which means that women are pushed into the 'default' caring role and vilified if they live in a messy house or don't feed their kids proper 'family meals'. So they raise their standards to meet these expectations - heaven forbid that the children are served beige grunge or sat in front of the TV on mum's watch, though it's ok if dad does this during his weekend stint because "it's only a few hours" and "they'll survive".

A job hopper who has a hobby sitting on computer games with a head set on, smoking weed, and getting drunk...

I'm really sorry but I just don't know any people like that at all.
Read about them and seen that sort of character in tv / films etc so I get it. But I just can't imagine the sort of life choices I'd have made to even consider being in a relationship with that sort of person.

No really my experience. I'm sure it's probably the case for some men but not the majority from what I see.

Some men are like that but no woman (or man) needs to accept that behaviour. It amazes me that so many women tolerate it.

It’s harder to “correct” a man if he has been spoiled by his mother or a previous partner but if they refuse to behave like an adult, bin them. Absolutely do not have children with them.

Some do and this is why you don't start with the cooking them dinner, they take you out and don't wash their clothes.