Is this the start of menopause or something else ? I hate people

[RecluseInTraining]

I’ve always been introverted, although you wouldn’t know it to meet me, and taken the stance that whilst I don’t like many individual people, I love humanity as a whole and most people are good at heart. I have dedicated my professional life to improving communities, even volunteering to that effect too and have been very active politically.

But more recently, I’ve started to feel like the world is an irredeemably awful place filled with greedy, narcissistic, cruel and selfish people. I feel mad with everyone and hate that I have to share this planet with so many stupid and selfish people. Just driving my kids to school I encounter dozens of idiots who either can’t or won’t follow the rules of the road making driving a thoroughly unpleasant and at times, terrifying experience. The state of the roads is another reminder that our leaders couldn’t give a shit about any of us.

I’m even noticing it in people close to me. I’m angry at my mum because I don’t agree with the way she looks after her pets, with my dad because he’s so very selfish and acts like it’s a huge imposition to help his own family. My son sometimes talks like he’s been listening to Andrew Tate. I was hugely betrayed by a close friend a couple of years ago so no longer have any really close friends, just acquaintances.

I’ve heard from other women that you tend to take less crap around menopause so wondering if this is the reason for my shift in feeling or whether there’s something else going on. I’m early 40’s and don’t have any other signs that I’m entering perimenopause but wondering if this is a sign that it’s coming soon. Perhaps it’s natural to lose your idealism as you get older.

Has anyone else felt like they hate the world and managed to move past it? It’s making me feel like retreating into myself and giving up trying to make the world a better place. I just feel beaten at this point.

I’ve wondered if I am autistic too. Your post reminded me actually, I’m only ever happy when I have a project I can hyper focus on, on the go and all of my previous ones have became boring or stalled. I’ve started on something new which is giving me something to focus on.

I think the other issue is that I have a really strong sense of justice and fairness and it bothers me a lot that people get away with flouting the rules that help society function. Maybe I see it more because I work in communities dealing with some of this stuff daily.

I feel similar and am 50 with erratic periods. I think I have lost a great deal of idealism. I trust far less readily. And I am very very clear these days about the difference between friends and acquaintances. I think some of this stuff is related to the environment I've been in for the last few years.
I try to make the best of it by noticing the bright spots and investing in them hell for leather.

Seems IANBU according to the poll. Today has been a pretty bad one as far as encounters with people go.

Driving to work this morning, a driver didn’t give way when there was a queue of parked cars on her side of the road. I’d got pretty close to the queue but there was still space for her to pass. She pulled alongside me, rolled down her window and started screaming at me to the point she was spitting.

I’ve felt upset and angry about it all morning. This afternoon I thought I’d clear my head by going litter picking which always makes me feel better. There was an open path to a garden which I wasn’t sure if it was public as it was bordered by a tall hedge next to an enclosed garden and led straight off the pavement. I could see there was loads of litter piled up at the bottom that has clearly blown from the road so I went and picked it all up.

I’d just finished when a youngish guy pulled up in his car and said this is my garden. I said I was just picking the litter from the path and did he mind? He then got really angry with me and started shouting at me then started saying things loudly about me to his partner as I walked off. Ok, I shouldn’t have been in his garden, it was a genuine mistake for a good reason so I don’t understand what the issue was. If this had happened to me, I’d have said thanks but I’d prefer if you didn’t do that. I’d have apologised but he caught me off guard with his attitude.

Shortly after that, I was walking along the road and a woman passed me and started scowling at me, turning her head to keep scowling as she passed. I smiled and said hello so she looked away. I have no idea what I’d done wrong.

This is just one day. I’m starting to wonder if it’s me but I can’t see what I did to deserve such anger and aggression from complete strangers. The problem is that so much of my identity and moral code is tied up in the idea of community and kindness. But it all feels so pointless when you get so much shit for trying to do good things. What’s the point?

@RecluseInTraining "The problem is that so much of my identity and moral code is tied up in the idea of community and kindness. "
Very relatable. When you feel like the only person who cares about community, it's pretty awful. The mere mention of community seems to make some people angry.

Also @BusterGonad BusterGonad I'm in the same lonely place and trying to meet people has been awful.

Just hope these days will pass quickly.

Just add, I don't get why MN so often blames this sort of thing on peri.
My boyfriend (of last year) was very similar and far too young for peri 😂

There are real social factors at play here. Community centres and so on are closing down, and people are still obsessed with taking selfies etc, it wasn't a phase that passed.

Fortunately, it seems to be quite MN specific that peri is the answer to every bad feeling.

I feel pretty much like you and I’m nowhere near menopause but it’s definitely got worse as I’ve got older. I do think there is some accuracy in it. People have definitely become more egotistical and selfish these days. I think a lot of it is to do with social media
and the need to be validated and in competition constantly that spills over into real life situations

Yes my first signs of peri was having the rage with everyone. Like having PMT all the time, but worse, a lot worse.

Re the driving thing, I’m sure it’s happened since covid. A lot of people became very angry drivers over that time and appeared to stay that way.

Sounds like you live around a bunch of really grumpy people tbh after yesterday's nightmare encounters!

I also think being betrayed by your very close friend is a big factor here.

I did get more grumpy and less tolerant of the world and seemed to find that I 'saw through' things and people more.

Hrt helped with physical things like sleep etc which helped tolerance but didn't really work brilliantly till I started the other self care things like upping exercise, eating better, prioritising sleep etc. it still wasn't brilliant though and then I had to come off it anyway. Some women can't live without it but Some women really find it doesn't work at all. And it gets a bad press (and I get why) but some really do find anti depressants more helpful.

I'm actually better and calmer now I'm off it but with the self care stuff going, had some counselling, and also resistance training. One massive issue for me was the ups and downs of the peri cycle even with hrt, which made bleeding worse.

Friends have been invaluable for me
Which is why I do wonder if that's a bigger issue for you.

Another day, another crop of arseholes.

Had to tell DF, yet again, not to talk about the situation in Gaza with me anymore because we do not agree and it just upsets me when we’ve spent an hour arguing and going round in circles. I’ve noticed he gently goads me into a discussion by continually trying to talk about it before dropping in a talking point that I can’t ignore because I find it repugnant.

Today a man in the litter picking group posted a passive aggressive message aimed at me because whenever he requests our group do his street (a couple of times a month) I say it will get done when it’s scheduled. He has never come to a single group pick although he does his own street and expects others to help with it. We have a huge area to cover with places much worse. It’s a voluntary group and I give up a lot of time to run it. Not a single person has stuck up for me or messaged me about it.

I absolutely hate conflict and I’m finding it difficult to absorb this much nastiness and vitriol. Feel in danger of sinking into a depression and I’m only just recovering from a bout triggered by my ex-friends’ betrayal. I’m an optimist at heart but I feel myself being dragged down.

And today, my friend was supposed to come and help me take a delivery of large item of furniture. I had to ask him as I don’t know anyone else who can help and after discussing with the company, we decide it’s probably too heavy for me. It’s been arranged for weeks. I go to the train station to pick him up, he’s not there. He then calls me and tells me he’s not even left his place and is still two hours away. I rush home and help the delivery guy bring it all in myself. Thankfully it was manageable between us.

What is even the point in having friends? Everybody lets me down in the end. I feel so on my own and I’m crying yet again because people are such a let down.

I say this kindly @RecluseInTraining, but the litter picking in someone's garden, whilst kind, is still you being in someone's garden without permission or invitation. Yes, the man didn't need to be rude, but I guess you don't know anything about him, he could have previously been burgled and therefore jittery about strangers in his garden.

Asking your friend to travel 2hrs on public transport to assist you with a delivery sounds like quite a big ask; of course he could have said no, and called to say he was running late, but perhaps he wasn't sure how to, as it does seem like you have quite high expectations of other people and their behaviours/actions?

It might be worth adjusting your own behaviours in some situations, and reducing your expectations of others perhaps.

Thanks @Biscuitsandpizza. I don’t know if my expectations are too high - the man didn’t need to be rude which was the bit that upset me. I just can’t imagine being that aggressive to a stranger. I suspect he’s doing something illegal at the property which would explain it.

Regarding my friend, I’ve done many a favour for him over the years, he helps me with stuff as a way to pay off his debt as he owes me ££££ for helping him out with legal fees but can’t afford to pay me back despite signing a loan agreement. This was his suggestion but he often lets me down. If I agree to do something for someone, I will do it bar exceptional circumstances.

My only expectation is that people treat me as I treat them but that just doesn’t seem to be the case and just lately, people seem to be so nasty and angry for no reason.

I feel exactly the same. I'm not a big fan of driving but at least I can sit in my car and not interact with people.

When I'm walking, I've realised that absolutely nobody attempts to move out of your way for example if their facing on coming traffic, they still make me step into the road and if they're walking side by side, they make no attempt to move one behind the other. Nobody says thank you when you do inevitably move out of the way. People just lack basic manners and it makes me despair for humanity.

This morning a secondary school kid barged into me and then she told me to Fuck off. Nice.

Regarding my friend, I’ve done many a favour for him over the years, he helps me with stuff as a way to pay off his debt as he owes me ££££ for helping him out with legal fees but can’t afford to pay me back despite signing a loan agreement. This was his suggestion but he often lets me down.

He would be told to start paying his debt according to the agreement. He's clearly thinking he can take the piss. Stop letting him. People will treat you how you let them. It's an uncomfortable truth.

I’m sorry you experience similar @TheChippendenSpook. The girl telling you to fuck off sounds particularly upsetting. My 15yo was barged into with a pram at a train station and the woman verbally abused her for it. Nobody stepped in or comforted her.

I always move out of the way for people but you’re right, it’s rare that anyone else does it for me.

I despair too.

I definitely think there’s something in that. I’ve been a people pleaser my whole life. Something has snapped in me though and whilst I would never be rude, I’m done taking it.

My friend’s financial circumstances are genuine and something he can’t help but that should be even more reason not to let me down when he’s made promises and I organise my time around him doing what he says he will.

I just ignored her and carried on my way but I'd already encountered 5 separate people who didn't move, or say thank you when I moved for them and that was on a 10 minute walk to work.

Your poor daughter, that's awful. You would have hoped that somebody would have stepped in and helped her.

I've been getting in touch with my Inner Curmudgeon, in the face of stupidity, obliviousness and meanspiritednesss, ever since I was 45 or so; I don't think it is a biological phenomenon, just an unwillingness to play nice all the time. I am still a pretty nice person 90% of the time, but reserve the right to mobilize the Death Glare and the Dark Sarcasm if needed.

@RecluseInTraining sorry to hear your friend isn't behaving as one, him owing you money puts a very different spin on things.

I learnt through CBT that rather than expecting someone to treat you the way you treat them, is actually to just not expect anything. You can choose to be nice, kind, thoughtful, etc., but other peoples' versions of those things may not be the same as yours, indeed they may not choose to be any of those things at all. So all you can do is choose how you want to respond or react.

It sounds like your 'friend' is taking the piss, so I'd be having a serious chat with him at the very least. I hope he steps up.

Stop being a victim
These things happen to all of us most days , try n grow a thicker skin
Notice the better people and better actions and focus on those.