I really need some advice

[CuntyMcBollocks]

This may be long, but I want to give as much info as I can.

I've been married to my husband for 8 years, and we've been together for 12. We have a 9yo DD.

My husband is emotionally abusive and I've had enough. He shouts and snaps at me and our DD. I do pull him up on this afterwards when he isn't in such a bad mood, but he never apologises. He thinks that because he spends money on our DD, then that makes everything ok, and he doesn't need to apologise. He recently shouted at her because she felt unwell and didn't want any dinner, and when I pulled him up about it and said how upset he makes her, he was instantly in a bad mood, and snapped, "SO?! Ive spent loads of money on her today!" Most times if I mention how he upsets us, this causes him to start shouting again. He talks to me and our DD like shit, even in front of friends and family.

Another example out of countless times, is when I was ill anout 2 weeks before Christmas. I had a bug and felt horrendous, but had gone to work, but got sent home home. Any decent person would have had some sympathy for their partner, but he took one look at me and started shouting at me that Christmas is ruined as I was going to be cooking for family, even though it was a couple of weeks away anyway.
He screamed at me when my mum was given a terminal cancer diagnosis as I had the audacity to look, and to be upset the next day as I knew my mum wouldn't get better.
Its not ALWAYS like this. Most of the time its not too bad as I have the other room, and me and my DD usually sit in there. He doesn't ONLY shout, but he does shout a lot. Even something like a silly accident such as someone tripping up. Most other people would laugh, whereas he just shouts and goes in a bad mood.

I can't just leave right away, but am starting to save money and am trying to plan my exit strategy. This is what I need advice for. We have a house with a mortgage. We both work full time. If we sold it, I could afford to buy somewhere cheap, but am not sure whether I'd be entitled to any help suxh as tax credits etc as I be buying my own home. Buying would be cheaper than renting and I live in an affordable area.

Any advice would be very welcome. Has anyone else been through something similar?

Well done for getting your ducks in a row. Your soon to be ex sounds horrible and really rude.
As far as I know you can use income from tax credits for a mortgage application, if that's what you mean? And I think you can still claim this benefit even once you've bought the home. Citizens' Advice might be a good place to check for info.
I've not experienced this directly but I'm sure you are 100% making the right decision. Best of luck for the future (no more being shouted at!)

I don’t have any knowledge about the legal/financial stuff, but good on you for realizing that you can no longer subject you or your DD to this abusive monster.

Get everything figured out and be on your way. Have a happy life!

Good decision.
There are no tax credits any more. You can claim universal credit if you're on a low income but they won't pay towards a mortgage so it would only be the single person and child allowance. It's not a lot, only about £600 a month if you earn nothing at all and once you start earning they will deduct money from that. If you pay childcare you can also claim some UC towards that.

My husband was emotionally abusive but in different ways. I used to dread the key in the lock when he came home. He wasn't like it all the time, of course not, nobody would stay in a relationship like that. But he sucked the joy out of everything.

My father was likeyour husband. Although he provided for us financially I spent most of my childhood, and adulthood for that matter, frightened of him. I made poor choices in relationships as I chose men a bit like my dad. I was always frightened of telling my dad anything, good or bad, I don't remember him hitting me, it was the shouting, or the disappointment/resentment/ anger I saw he felt for me (and my mum - even though she was his entire world.

I left my husband when my boys wee 5 & 6. I had no savings, we rally only had our house. I didn't care as long as I got out with my kids so we could live and breath just normally. Not wait for my husband to come home and tell me off for some minor job - like leaving the lights on in the living room when the kids and I had just briefly gone into the kitchen.

It was the best thing I could have done for me and them. He was a much better part time dad than he was full time. He quickly found some one else which toook the pressure off me.

20 odd years later we are actually much better friends then ever we were when married to each other.

Back then I managed to buy a house for the kids and I. I got some help with benefits as long as I worked a number of hours per week. This will have all changed by no but I think there is a site called something like what am I entitled to which will calculate what benefits you maybe able to claim.

I remember at the end of the first month in my new home. I had paid all bills, mortgage, food etc. I had £1:58 left in my bank. I knew then I could do it.

Good luck. Don't waste time with this man. Don't let your daughter live like this. Show her that you and she deserve better.

You’re already getting your ducks in a row so that’s good,op.

Obviously don’t tell him you want to leave until you’re ready to make a move.

Get legal advice. Preferably a lawyer who is savvy in dealing with manipulative abusers.

Contact Women's Aid since he’s abusive.They can offer advice and support.
Call the police of you feel threatened or frightened by him.

Rights of Women offer free legal advice (England &Wales)
Or
Scottish Women’s Rights (for Scotland)

You might be able to get an occupation order and have him removed from the house if he’s harming you and the dc.
So every time he shouts, secretly record on your phone as evidence.

I don’t seem to be able to add links but definitely Google the above for a wealth of information, advice and support.
I got free face to face legal advice initially from Scottish Women’s Rights. They were fantastic.
Women’s Aid were great too.

I’m free now. I bought him out and it’s wonderful having my own man-free home.Its my little sanctuary.

There’s light at the end of the tunnel, op.
Things may seem bleak at the moment but you’ll get there.

Thank you all so much for your support and replies and avice. It's made me tear up a bit, and I know I'm making the right decision. I don't want my DD growing up and thinking that this is acceptable behaviour from anyone. I will contact Womens Aid and see if they can help me.

I've written down all of the places to contact (where my husband won't see) and will get in touch with them in due course. Thank you all again

You might be better to ask Mumsnet to move this to the Relationships board. AIBU can be odd and you may get some unkind responses.

Are your bank accounts and finances separate? If they are, can you try to get proof of any savings he might have? I couldn’t prove my ex had anything and therefore got nothing, when I suspect he had some money somewhere. Obviously don’t take any risks if you think he might become violent.

I know you mention selling your current house, but would you want to stay there if that was possible? I ask because I chose to move out rather than stay as I didn’t want to be lumbered with the house, for various reasons. Do you think he will want your daughter 50:50? If not, he will have to pay maintenance.

Your most important act right now is probably to find a really good lawyer. Do you know anyone you can ask for recommendations?

Well done for making the decision to leave. It's never ok for our children to grow up walking on eggshells waiting for the abuse and shouting to start.

Get this moved to relationships, lots of advice on that section.

Well done op for making plans to leave him and deciding you & dd don't have to put up with this. You're so brave & others have said, you & dd deserve to live peacefully, without the worry of him kicking off. It must be so unsettling and frightening for you both not knowing what sort of mood he's going to be in & when he'll start his antics.

Just keep imagining what it will be like to live away from him & keep that in your head as your motivation. I don't know you but I'm proud of you! x

Op I just wanted to add a little something. If you need to you can leave before you save. You don't have to stay there. Womans aid can help you find a refuge, you and dd . stay can there whilst you save.you can sort the house at arms length to.

One of the main reasons I haven’t left my DH is because he’ll get partial custody of the kids. At the moment he shouts at them and I’m there to intervene, to comfort them and tell him to stop, or take them out of the way. But if I leave him and he gets partial custody, he can be verbally abusive during his custody time and I won’t be there to protect my kids. How can I in good conscience walk away to protect myself from having to be around him, when by doing so I’m condemning my kids to exactly that, but without my protection.

I'm so sorry I never thought of that side of things . How old are your children? I have heard that once children hit a certain age they can decide for themselves if they want to see their father. 💐

They’re 6 and 7. My littlest guy regularly comes running to tell me Daddy’s being mean again. I hear him wailing because DH has raised his voice and made him cry, then I hear him running up the stairs to find me (because I’m probably sitting in the bedroom out of DH’s way). He bursts into the room sobbing and I have to keep him with me out of DH’s way, and give him an iPad and a biscuit to calm him down. My other son is nearly 2yrs older so he’s better at staying out of the way, but he still cries sometimes. I can’t just leave them with DH but legally I have no other choice. I stay to protect them. My job is to stand between them and their father until they’re big enough to stand by themselves.

We have a joint account together for all bills, mortgage etc, but the rest of our money is separate. We earn roughly the same amount now as I've recently had a pay rise, so to be honest I'm not looking at getting anything from him. I'd be happy with an equal split. I'd rather have peace of mind that I would have my own place and my DD and I wouldn't have to put up with his moods constantly.

I don't think he would ever be violent towards me or DD, but I'm not even going to give him an inkling that anything is wrong until I have our escape plan ready.

I'm so sorry that you and your children are stuck in that situation, and I totally understand why you're staying put for the time being. I wish you all the best and hope that your future brings better things to come ❤

You are 100% doing the right thing op. Your DD needs to learn to expect better behaviour from a partner.
Remember to clear your internet search history if you’re using a shared device.
Good luck op.

Sorry to hear this.
Have you asked for advice or contacted Women’s Aid for help? If you’re given refuge , he would have no access or contact and bear in mind that men often ask for 50:50 to stop their partner/dw leaving.
It’s a known tactic. In reality many couldn’t cope with 50:50 because it’s hard work, time consuming, impacts on work and social life and the nature of an abuser is that they’re always in it for themselves. They don’t care about anyone else.
Good luck 💐