To not enjoy spending time with my DD friend

[arthumcph]

DD, 4, has a friend she really loves and they play really nicely together. But I can't stand her..she is rude and obnoxious and tried to override everything I say to DD.
She also likes to tell me what she is going to do in my own house, constantly, which is grating.
Her mum is lovely but a permissive parents with zero boundaries. I'm a primary teacher so I both like and am good with kids but I find her so difficult, and feel like I end up parenting her a bit.
DD also changes when she has seen her and is rude and bossy for a good few hours after, when normally she is chilled and just lovely. I'd feel awful not seeing them but it just leaves me feeling annoyed and grumpy, DH (also a primary teacher) agrees.
AIBU to not see them as much and make it out of my house? We are never invited to theirs. I also appreciate she is four!

I'd be annoyed that the friend was setting a bad example which your DD is imitating. Can you encourage other friendships?

i would be encouraging other friendships

@SheSaidHummingbird
Without sounding like a knob, DD is very easy going and has quite a few lovely friends. But she particularly likes this girl and always asks to see her, they do really enjoy each others company, other girl hasn't got many friends but it's more adults she tried to assert some authority over, which does not fly with me.

Maybe your "this won't fly with me" attitude is actually what the girl wants from the exchange. Kids need boundaries to feel safe. Perhaps her attempts to assert herself over adults is actually a search for boundaries? She probably needs to know there's someone at the helm as it were.

Also perhaps this girl's behaviour annoys you because it's something you yourself used to be told off for? With kids sometimes what is triggering is actually really personal. It's the behaviour you don't like, not necessarily the child.

Not sure if these angles on the situation are helpful but coming at it from a place of curiosity/compassion for both yourself and this child might change your perspective on it? She's not deliberately trying to p you off, and it's ok that you are pissed off tbh, but it also seems like ending the friendship isn't on the cards either, so finding a new way of looking at it could be your way forward.

@Biffbaff
Maybe ref boundaries..she always looks a bit shocked when I say no we can't hit the cat with a wand and her mum just stands and says nothing. She is never told no and gets whatever she wants whenever she wants. Her dad is more firm.
I get she's not trying to piss me off, she's four.
No I wasn't told off for this, I just don't like rude kids and I've taught over 500 in my time. I just don't want to parent someone else's kid while their parent is there, it's so so awkward.

I think it's fair enough for you to draw boundaries in your own house to protect your own pet/belongings/child. The mother sounds very permissive so she probably won't get confrontational about you correcting her daughter in any case. And why shouldn't you if no one else will? Clearly you can't let her just charge about doing whatever she likes poking your cat and suchlike.
Totally get that it's awkward and annoying that you're finding yourself in this position but it's hard to see an alternative unless you decide to let it go, which I don't think would be right anyway!

@Biffbaff
So permissive it's unbelievable.
But unlike in my work I am not in charge of her child when they are with us, yes don't want to be spoken to like shit so what would you say in this situation? I'd normally be totally confident in handling this..but the mum makes me feel uncomfortable if that she obviously thinks I'm draconian is wanting manners/boundaries. I feel like she wants to play the earth mother while I set the boundaries for both kids.

I've always had a rule with DD that if we'd invited them twice with no invite back that's enough.
I also do that with adult friends (including DH's cousin who considers inviting DH out, but not me, an invite back - we're now on 9 years.)

I was always the strictest dm of dd's friends.. Oddly they all came back.. Nowt wrong with disciplining a dc in your home if the dm is a sap ime.
Or meet at soft play where they can buggar off and play!

If I dislike one of my children’s friends then I definitely don’t feel I have to have them round. I want to like them, I am keen my kids have friends, but I have a low tolerance for rude children. That’s fine. It’s part of parenting.

(Am also a teacher so I know a lot of children)

I wonder if you being a teacher impacts how the other Mum parents in front of you?

Although if her DD behaves that way it didn't happen overnight.

I think you stick to your boundaries and try and encourage other friends as you and DH both see the negative impact the friend has on DD.