MIL taking my divorce from her son very personally

[Pinksparkles84]

My STBXH and I are separating. We have a 7 year old DS. I instigated the separation because X had been emotionally abusive and controlling. I am due to move out in a week and am instructing a solicitor as we haven’t agreed on childcare arrangements. STBXH is a narcissist. We are currently living in the same house (but separately) for the next few weeks. We have been spending time away from the house to give each other space.

My MIL saw DS teacher after we had told her about the split and started crying in front of the teacher when collecting DS from school.

MIL picked up DS from school today and the teacher told her that DS had an incident at school with another child. I was WFH today and saw MIL this afternoon and spoke to her for about an hour when I finished school. STBXH got home and helped his mum into the car. When he came back in STBXH told me that his mum had said DS had an incident at school today. I was shocked as she hadn’t mentioned anything to me and he said she needs to tell me these things. I am shocked that she didn’t say anything.

we did speak a bit about the split and I could see that she looked upset. I previously got back with STBXH because she got so upset before. She doesn’t have any idea of the things that her son has put me through, so I am finding it difficult.

AIBU to think this isn’t normal?!

I only put YABU because it is kind of normal for her to be upset, especially if she doesn't know of any issues in the relationship (not saying you have to tell her, just that I'd expect more upset this way!).

Of course she will feel protective of/worried for her DS, that's natural. She should of course have told you about the incident at school and she shouldn't be crying to the teacher. I can imagine my MIL being very similar though!

I previously got back with STBXH because she got so upset before.

That’s very odd.

She can’t be that shocked you’re splitting up as it’s happened before though.

Of course she’s upset. Imagine your son getting divorced in future and worrying about how things would change for him and his children if he has any.

@Pinksparkles84 why are you having mil collect your child from school when you are home? does she often not tell you things concerning your child? i think it is time to tell her exactly what her son is like then she might realise why this is happening!

About time you let her know what sort of a shit her precious son is.

Er because she was working @allthemiddlechildrenoftheworld! It's quite clearly written in the OP!

It can't be that hard to appreciate her being very upset because her son's marriage is ending, can it? You're a mother. You know how much it hurts when your child is hurting and going through a difficult time.

Its not uncommon for children of a narcissist to have narc traits. I'm not saying your MIL is a diagnosed narcissist, but she does seem invested. There's also a type of narcissist called a 'covert' narcissist, it might be worth checking that out on google.

This. It's time for you to pick up your child from school and not let the MIL do that anymore. Particularly if she withholds info from you. Be sure to tell the school she is not allowed to pick up your child anymore.

Why do you think that is OP?
Put yourself in her shoes, that may help

Children always lose out on marriage splits, then its the grandparents.

FGS. Of course she's invested. This situation involves her child and her grandchild. It would be quite odd, and honestly quite worrying, if a woman had no emotional reaction whatsoever to her son's marital breakdown.

She’s his mother, and your ds is her grandchild. Is it really that hard for you to understand why she is upset?!
Of course she’s going to take the side of her son, especially if she doesn’t know all the details of why you are divorcing- she’s his mother! Baffled as to why you think this is odd…

YANBU she should have told you and I don't know why she didn't but you need to stop asking her to pick up your child now.

I would be heartbroken if my dc split from their partner, whom we love and think of as a daughter, but wouldn't be crying in front of teachers!

Naturally she is bothered by her son's marriage ending, he won't be telling her it is because he is abusive. If she collects your DS from school in the future make a point of asking if there is any information she needs to pass on, or ask the school to contact you directly about any 'incidents', not relay messages through a third party.

My MIL is coming over tomorrow to have DS, I decided to text her to say that she should pass on messages but equally that the school shouldn’t have put her in that position. I have told MIL it would be nice to get on with each for the sake of DS and I have nothing against her.

STBXH went away to his parents this weekend and apparently she was constantly talking about the divorce and getting very emotional. We have been discussing childcare and I spoke to a solicitor and she came up with a plan which meant that DS routine wasn’t disrupted too much. MIL said that she thinks this is very disruptive to DS but didn’t come up with an alternative. Thankfully STBXH hasn’t listened to her and has provisionally agreed to the childcare plan (he’d have DS 6 out of 14 nights and I’d have DS 8 out of 14, which includes every Saturday as he works every Saturday). I do understand her point of view but I am trying to keep positive for DS and move on with things. She’s been talking to everyone about it and STBXH has told her it was his marriage and separation and told her to butt out.

i would like to maintain some kind of relationship with her but she is making it very awkward and difficult. Maybe in time she will come to terms with it?

I hope things have calmed down with your (overly dramatic) MIL, OP, and that the split is going smoothly for the sake of you and your son.

Surely the OP is divorcing her husband-her child is not divorcing his grandmother!!

I hope your poor lad is being shielded from all this drama?

It is normal for her to be upset but not ok for her to be so opinionated and involved in the whole thing. This should be entirely about what you and your ex decide. I think you are doing the right thing to keep things on an even keel - if they wind each other up, she and her son have the potential to cause you all sorts of trouble over the coming months.

But maybe she doesn't pr can't keep a relationship with you.
What do you mean the school shouldn't have put her in that position? She's the one collecting him.

And also she did pass all the relevant info on to the child parent.
You aren't her contact anymore. Her son is.

This is the new status quo.

It's one of those situations that's inevitably going to be difficult, parents prefer to think well of their children and a divorce isn't something you hope that your children will go through. All you can do is remain civil with her and give it time.

She's probably very self centred too if her son is a narcissist. It doesn't come from nowhere

Ex mil made my divorce all about herself too my ex sil did try to stick up for me but ultimately she is married to his brother and must toe the party line gems from ex mil included her bellowing my "failings" from the footpath to my front door (exes bail conditions kept him away from my house so she did drop offs etc)

THERE ARE NO BIBS IN HIS BAG
YOU NEED TO PROVIDE MORE NAPPIES
THE MONEY IS IN HIS BAG FOR THE BOYS (I have dd from a previous relationship)

• *she thought she was embarrassing me but she was really just showing herself up she toned it down when I told the social worker it was effectively destroying my child's mental health having her screaming at his mother twice a week step grandad was forced to step in

The social worker also told my ex supply your own nappies and bibs and don't pass on money through the children use the bank account like you have been TOLD TOO

Ten years on she has zero contact with her own grandchildren because ex fell out with her and because she treated me so poorly I wasn't inclined to support contact (not that she wanted it anyway tbh) ex falls out with everyone currently he is speaking to her but not his own children 🙄

I would be cautious of having your children around her alone at this point. she's likely gossiping about your divorce to anyone who will listen, and I wouldn't be surprised if she was bad mouthing you and your children were hearing her complaining.

Thanks. I don’t really have much contact with her anymore, but I do feel for DS as he is in the middle of it all. I’m trying to keep as level headed as possible but it’s difficult. I’ve started communicating about what DS is up to when he’s with me over a group WhatsApp chat and have sent pictures of DS on the group. Ex started sending pictures of him with DS (which I found a bit strange) when he’s with him. It definitely triggered me and I had a bad day the other day thinking I’d made the wrong decision.