First time experiencing grief

[lifeissobloodyhardsometimes]

Very recently lost a very close family member. It was unexpected and they went in a bit of a horrific way. I've lost a grandparent before but when I was very young so I don't remember it and I was much closer to this family member. I just don't really know how to feel or think. I can't get my head around the fact that they are just gone, I can't speak to them anymore after speaking to them every week. I don't want to give too many details but because of the connection to me vs others im expected to be the support for everybody else and I don't really know how to do that. Im only in my late 20's and didn't expect to be in this position at my age (probably naively). Im just struggling to cope with my own feelings whilst supporting everybody else.

Some days I feel ok and others I don't want to get out of bed and struggle to see how the world is still just carrying on like normal. It's making me rethink my whole life. I don't want to cut down my hours at work and be there more for my young Dc but I know we will struggle financially and don't want to make a rash decision whilst I know I'm not my normal self at the moment.

Not sure really why I'm writing this. I just feel like everything I'm feeling is wrong. I don't know how to get over the fact that they are just gone and we won't see them again. I also don't know how to deal with my closest family who are struggling so much and can't see the wood for the trees. Please someone tell me this gets easier

*want to.

Also I forgot to add that i was there very shortly after it happened and saw the body. I can't stop thinking about how terrifying it looked, nothing like the person I knew at all. I've never seen a body and never want to again. I can't stop imagining it when I close my eyes and feel really frightened by it which probably sounds stupid.

It doesn't sound stupid. I deliberately didn't see my parents after they died. I wanted to remember them as they were.
Google the 7 stages of grief it helps explain why you feel as you do. My mum died at 17 and it did hugely effect my life and my emotion development. I think now if I'd had counselling and someone had told me what I was going through was normal it would have helped.
These days I can think of my mum and dad (he died when I was 24 s month after I got married) remembering the good times, the things they taught me, the things that annoyed me. I can also remember the times we argued, when I let them down. Time has made that possible. It's still so raw for you.
Let yourself grieve, others may actually appreciate you showing your grief and not feel that they alone but feel exactly how you do

The image of the body will soon not be the focus of your memories. I saw my Dad just after he died, then again a few hours later and I was worried I'd remember how he looked then, but I actually don't really now (just over a year on) - I actually think of him more as how he looked in his 'prime'.

It does get easier. The pain is still there but it's a softer pain.

I'm sorry for your loss. Everything you've described is normal. Hard and painful and normal. It will get better. The pain will live alongside the wonderful memories one day. Traumatic grief is very hard to get your head round and it might be that something like EMDR can help in the future with the disturbing imagery. I chose to see my loved ones but would not have done if they had passed in traumatic way and had visible injuries. It's a deeply personal thing though and you don't know how you'll feel sometimes.

Cruse bereavement can help.

I'm so sorry you are going through this. It does get easier. You are allowed to feel whatever you feel - angry, sad, anything. Can you reach out to others to support you - friends etc?

You need grief counselling to cope with the horror of that day. Look up Grief counselling on line. Not sure what area you are but Hampshire have a service called Italk and you refer yourself on line. I used it when my 22yr old son was killed and I arrived shortly after. Nothing is wrong with how you’re feeling, where grief is concerned we all react differently . I will say , it doesn’t get easier but you learn how to deal with the tragedy . Your life has changed but you will learn to deal with your feelings too. I’m coming up to 5 years in June. This is my new normal and you will find yours . Hugs to you💐

Losing a loved one, parent or sibling in your twenties is hard. You are definitely not prepared and neither are those close to you. It can be a very lonely place, friends struggle to know how to help and can be insensitive expecting you to snap out of it.
Talking about it is often the best therapy, when you are ready. If you have a sibling maybe see how they are coping.
When I lost my DM in my 20s I had my DSis to share the experience and we became surrogate mums to each other, in fact we still are nearly 30 yrs on.
No one can or should tell you how to feel.
You sound like you may need to talk things through with a grief counsellor, particularly in view of the traumatic experience of seeing your loved one’s body.

Make an appointment with your GP to have a chat. They may be able to arrange counselling or may suggest anti anxiety medication to help you through.

It will take time and allow yourself space. I found being around people difficult. I didn’t stop socialising but I did pick and choose when I went out.

Often people think you don’t want to talk and will often avoid you. Maybe reach out to a few close friends who are good listeners. Sometimes you have to explain that you may want to talk but most of the time you are happy to avoid the subject. People are often happier to support you when they know what to expect.Very few friends, of your age group will have experience of your situation so may need help, helping you.

I didn't want to read and run. Your grief is normal. My twin sons died at 29 weeks in November. My first twin was stillborn and his twin brother died in my arms 4 days later at 4 days old. I never thought I would bury two my so much wanted babies.

What you are feeling is completely normal. There are days that I can't believe they are gone, I walk past the closed nursery holding my breath in shock and everytine I see newborns my heart aches, however I know in time, it will be more bearable. Time does heal. Grief is not linear, it doesn't follow a straight path and there will be ups and downs.

As for how they looked when they passed. I was traumatised by how quickly my son,'s face changed as he passed in my arms. He literally didn't look like my baby when he died and that's normal apparently. The transition from life to death physically is quite scary and no one told me in the NICU that the change might scare us. It took me ages to come to terms with that but try not to worry, it's natural unfortunately.

Counselling is something I meant to add might benefit you.

I'm very much still in grief. It's only been 14 weeks but I know from talking to others it does get better.

I really empathise with you, to lose family at such a young age. I think counselling is a really good idea, especially as it was sudden and traumatic. Don't feel like you need to support everyone, you can grieve together and get through it together as a family.

I lost my dad in my late 20's and my mum at 30, with my mum especially it was like the anchor in my life was gone.

For me I found the initial months were like a haze where I didn't really deal with it, the next year was probably the harder in some ways, everything seemed a bit bleak but that's because I blocked things off at first, counselling would probably help you with that- I still find it hard around the anniversary, sometimes even if I've lost track of the date I feel physically run down and unwell and then I realise why but generally I'm positive and happy again, it just takes a bit of time to get there.

I'd let friends know whether you'd prefer to talk about it or whether you'd rather avoid the subject. Let them support you though as much as you need, and reach out, sometimes it's difficult for people to know what to do or say.

So sorry, OP. That sounds incredibly hard and sad, with the additional burden of being expected to support others in your family in their grief.

I lost a young relative very suddenly and traumatically just over 2 years ago. It was totally unexpected, an illness..the medics were unable to save him. He was out and about, in the prime of his life, then a week later he was gone.

i literally didn’t believe it had happened for at least a year. I also felt completely frozen. I didn’t know how to deal with family either, especially his father…

It hit me more last year and I became depressed. I was also dealing with a serious health issue, which didn’t help.

My GP suggested Cruse bereavement and I attended an online seminar. This was incredibly helpful. One thing they said was they you never ‘ get over ‘ the loss, that person remains within you. But gradually you put more things round it, other things that become important to you. Also, there is no ‘ right way ‘ to feel and the range of possible ways to react and feel is very broad. When they gave the list, I could tick almost everything on it.

It still hurts very badly at times but I’ve felt a reaching out in myself this year which has marked a change.

It will get easier for you. Hugs.