Coming to terms with 50/50 custody

[LonelyDancer]

I’ve recently moved into my own house after getting divorced. He was emotionally abusive and in the end I couldn’t take it anymore.

Custody is 50-50 (which I agreed because I believe it is the best for our kids).

I’m really struggling with it though. I miss them so much and I don’t feel like a proper mum anymore.

Not really and AIBU, but I’m desperate. Has anyone been through this? Will I ever feel better? How do I get there?

(Please don’t say 50-50 isn’t good for kids. That’s not going to change).

Well if it helps my ideal would have been 50/50. I think it’s the best arrangement personally so I agree it’s good for kids but ex wasn’t interested unfortunately. How old are your children?

Thank you. They’re 7 and 5.

How about finding yourself a new hobbie? Something you look forward to doing that you can't do with the kids there, so you have something to focus on and fill your time when they are not there? 🙂 for what it's worth I think 50/50 is best for the kids too in alot of situations. I know it's hard but I think you are doing the right thing

How long have you been sharing 50/50 custody?

It's tough - but you will adjust. You are 100% a proper mum!

Start planning things for the time your children are with your ex. A drink with friends, cinema watching something that is not PG, theatre, comedy club, pop down your local pub, sign up to an evening class, start a new hobby that you have always wanted to try but not been able to due to small children or your ex.

Or if you don't want to go out, a hot bubble bath, a good book, and a glass of wine!

Being more practical, plan your life admin and shopping etc while they're at their Dads, so when they are with you you can give them lots of positive focussed attention.

You will adjust - how long depends on you - but you will.

Try to reframe it in your mind.

Switch it from,
"Time they're not here and I'm alone"
To,
"Time they're not here and it's time for me to do what the hell I want."

Dating, hobbies, movies, masturbation, or all of the above... at the same time... every night that you're free.

Don't get sitting around and dwelling, get out, live the single life, go away for a weekend and have some fun. Return to being you and not "Mum"
And if you don't know what 'you' looks like anymore because all you've been is 'mum', then it's time to discover what 'you' looks like.

We probably have 90/10 it’s so hard. I work full time and whilst I wouldn’t choose 50/50 at least you can be the best mum 100% of your time. Some days I’m barely scraping “good enough”.

Make the very best of your time x

It is really hard, and it is almost like a form of grief that you need to adjust to.

I used to plan things when the DC were with me (so when I was busy, happy, and feeling motivated) and then force myself to action them when DC were away.

I also did nice things like surprise decorate their bedrooms, or buy them a few nice bits for their return home, as well as forcing myself to go out into town for drinks/dinner/film - stuff that involved going outside of the house and not relaxing/chilling at home or having friends for dinner - always took the going out option instead.

It does get easier but you'll need to do things almost on autopilot at first to force yourself into a new routine.

I have a 50/50 arrangement for my kids, started when they were 5 and 8 (similar to yours) and we're now 6 years on. It was strange at first but we all got used to it. I've used the extra child free time to move my career on, study, do hobbies, lose weight (none of which I would have been able to achieve with my ex, also emotionally abusive). Then when I do have the kids with me, I focus on them as much as I can, and we have lots of fun ☺️

Hi OP
I'm in a similar situation to you. Left emotionally abusive and controlling ex a year ago and have had a 50:50 care arrangement for our 2 year old ever since (I have her from Wednesday after work until Sunday lunch time or dinner time every other week and he has her the rest of the time).
I feel like I'm not a proper mum sometimes as well, but, more recently, I've come to terms with the arrangement and I fill that time with things I enjoy like running, going to the gym, going shopping, getting my hair/nails done, catching up with friends, just being lazy and watching Friends on TV.
I'm also lucky in that I'm back living with my mum who loves her life as a granny and helps out whenever she can even when DD is with me.

Edited to add, I do still get a bit upset after I drop DD with her dad, because I do miss her, especially if we've had a lovely few days together, but I know I'll see her again in a couple of days and there are only 2 full days in the week where I don't see her in person at all so I still see her 5 days in the week (just not necessarily whole days).

If it helps, spend the time they aren't there doing stuff that will benefit them eg batch cook so you don't need to worry about cooking when they are there, work (if you have felxibilty) so that your tjne with then isnt spent stressinf about that, and catxh up on me time.

I had 60/40 custody (me 60) when first divorced exdh (only lasted a few years before t kids were old enough to decide and were then with me full time).
I found it super hard for the first few months but then threw myself into socialising / gym / diy and any distraction basically. Getting a dog helped the most though.

50/50 is horrible. I feel for you. I really struggled with it as a child, but all you can do is make your house feel like a real home for your DC.

You are still a proper Mum, no doubt about that

I'd suggest planning things for your child-free time eg a gym class, or meet friends, or even housework, to get it out of the way

It'll get easier once you're more familiar with it. It's only natural it would take time to adjust