AIBU a mother should not behave like that?!

[Chypre]

My FIL has died recently, very tragically and unexpectedly in a commercial property accident. We have found out by a call from MIL - although they were divorced for decades (DH went on to live with his father in his teens and ever since relationship with his mother has been very strained), her cousin was among the first responders so that is how she came to be the first one to know.
So the phone goes on at 5 am and she wails like a banshee: he died, he burned, he burned alive, your father has burned alive, he tried to escape but couldn’t, oh my god he was in so much pain what a horrible death (we found out the very same day none of it is true, he died instantly on impact). You should get the first plane here, you should go to the morgue to identify him, you should take care of the funeral - because he had NO ONE (not true there are 2 sons, brothers, sisters, and a partner). And then she was repeatedly calling - when are coming here, when is your flight, they can’t take it to the morgue without a family present (not true and WTF), it's only you and ME (mother), we should make it right.
I told her that the information she had was not quite correct, we’re in touch with authorities and the rest of the family, the death was not as horrid and everything is taken care of, thank you very much & we got it from here, no need too worry. To what she replies - this is MY son and ONLY I decide WHAT my son KNOWS. (wtf)
She then goes on to immediately call my husband, who has just lost his father, gets the news in the most horrible way, and is torn between funeral directors/authorities/lawyer/family, she calls him and rolls into another hysteric of how dare I speak to her like that. He hung up and is not picking up since.
What in the world is this behaviour? Shock? Mental illness? Why did she make up those terrible lies? Even if he would die in the most horrible way (which he didn’t - I’ve seen medical papers, he didn’t burn/suffocate and it was a funeral with an open coffin, there were no burns) the "loving mother" should not spill it all out on her son in such manner surely?

PS She then showed up at a funeral all dressed in CREAM. Why, just why...

and I expect your dh is nc with her.

People react to grief in really different ways. Did you feel she was saying these dramatic things almost because she was enjoying the attention? That she wasn't upset about his death? It may have set a lot of things off for her. I'd say it's a shame but the accident sound extremely shocking. I'm so sorry you have had to deal with her though. Please try and keep your distance for a while to grieve with your husband and closer people.

Attention seeking.

Attention seeking sympathy vulture

avoid her as much as possible

Attention seeking because people would be thinking about the DF and not her.

My first instinct is to question if she has been drinking, attention seeking histrionic behaviour is characteristic. (writing as an alcoholic who is in recovery).

You got a few big details in your post wrong but this is what my mother did. Differences were he died at home, they were divorced and she declined to come to the funeral. Raging because she wasn’t allowed to exclude all my dads friends and family. She just wanted to invite her friends and family 🤣

NC is the way forward. Well, that’s what l did. The peace was amazing

Obviously she wanted the mil show.. Not a funeral.. I hope you have now blocked her...

I wouldn't have high expectations of her behaviour and conduct from what you've described.

Some people just love the drama, they live their lives as if in a telenovela.

I still have no idea why he did this as we hadn't spoken in years, but one day my ex FB messaged me out of the blue. 'Hey, remember <his stepdad's name>? Well, he had an operation and went home, got up in the night for a piss and bled out on the bathroom floor. Literally every drop of blood was drained from his body'.

First of all, why tell me this. We weren't even together that long. Second, does your mother know you're telling apparently everyone the sordid details?? And of course, third, it turned out not to be true at all. A highly embellished, bordering on completely fabricated version of what was a terrible tragedy.

If she has a history of behaving inappropriately then the answer relates to why she generally behaves like that.

But grief can do funny things. I was present with my mother when the hospital explained my father's death to both of us. But the next day my mother was telling others what he died from and said the hospital had ended his life in a mercy killing. That is not true and I have no idea why she thought that had happened. She was besides herself with grief.

If her relationship with your DH is strained then she saw this as an opportunity to bask in his attention and to control what he does for a few days (e.g. you must come to the morgue, get here now, it's just you and me son). It's classic narcissism.

Narcissism. Leaping on the opportunity to make it about her. Trying to control the flow of information. I bet she will dine out on it with her friends for ages (if she has any).

I’m sorry for your loss.

Attention/sympathy-seeking - she’s making it all about her.
Sadly not unusual.

I can't imagine these are the first signs you or your DH have ever noticed?

Attention seeking sympathy vulture

This. My mother is exactly the same. It doesn’t matter who’s tragedy it is, she reacts the same way. I also can’t tell her anything remotely personal about me or my kids because she’ll be straight on the phone to everyone she knows hamming it up like it’s all about her every. single. time.

We’re (me and siblings) are extremely low contact with her as a result. I think some people can’t help it, they genuinely don’t understand that they need to consider other people sometimes and I’ve no patience left now.

Im sorry to hear about your fils accident, it sounds awful. I hope your husband is ok x

Is she usually an over-dramatic loon?

Sorry for your loss.

She's attention seeking and making it all about her. No wonder your DH doesn't live near her. I'm surprised she wasnt banned from attending DFILs funeral by his family!

Shock and grief can do strange things to people and result in some extreme and unusual behaviour

the woman has lost her husband

try having some compassion

Awful behaviour and very selfish. Sorry for you and DPs loss.

That is appalling behaviour. It wouldn’t even be excusable if they were still together.

Condolences to your DH. It’s lucky he has you to deal with some of the batshittery for him.

Thank you everyone for the words of sympathy! She definitely is not an easy person to be around, and I was not around often - we are living thousands of miles away, and my relationship with her was always limited to Christmas cards (written by me on behalf of DH...) and other formalities. I have always stayed out of the rift between them, thinking that DH has his truth (she left his father for nothing, ruined the family and his childhood by not allowing him to stay with his father initially only to leave the kid with grandparents, while she went to live abroad etc) but also genuinely tried to see into her motives - a woman surely can leave a relationship she's not happy in, is allowed to try to build a new and better life for her without being blamed and judged, isn't it? Nah how wrong I was... How she just latched on to my DH on that day, perfectly knowing he is going through an absolute tragedy (he was always very close to his father and had an overly idealised image of him in his head) so knowing all of this and how hurtful it would be for him she still proceeded to execute an absolute shitshow. That's just beyond my understanding. I generally try to avoid labelling people as narcissists/abusers/psychopaths, but here is my lesson, I guess. Some people are psychopaths, no doctor's note is needed.

@LuckySantangelo35 she divorced the man 30+ years ago.

It's not her husband.

It is her ex husband. There are still feelings there.